The not so cruel sea.

THE DANK SWEATY HOLD OF A UBOAT IN WARTIME, THE CAPTAIN IS LOOKING THROUGH A PERSICOPE.

FX THE SOUND OF SONAR PINGING THE HULL.

CAPTAIN
Acch my Britisher foe you can not escape me. I will sink you even though this terrible war is already lost for German.

LEUTENANT
Captain do you know what day it is?

CAPTAIN
Tuesday why do you disturb me?

LEUTENANT
But captain it is also your birthday!

CAPTAIN TURNS TO SEE THE WHOLE CREW IS STANDING IN PARTY HATS, WITH PARTY POPPERS AND PARTY WHISTLES.

LEUTENANT
We sunk that Yank party supplies ship and well we couldn't let it past.

CAPTAIN
Silence you dumbkopfs! There are 10 Royal Navy destroyers circling us looking for the slightest sound.

AN EXITABLE YOUNG SEAMAN
Captain I can't stand it this war can not stop us being human, I'm going to sing happy birthday.

CAPTAIN SHOOTS HIM (WITH A SILENCED PISTOL)

LEUTENANT
You shot Ernst, poor Ernst he was just married. Well there's only one thing for it...

CAPTAIN (WAVING PISTOL)
Back off back off I'll shoot the first man to try and shoot me.

LEUTENANT
And that's to bring out your cake.

THE CREW PUSH OUT A HUGE WHITE CAKE IT IS ABOUT 6 FOOT TALL LEUTENANT GOES TO CUT IT.
HANS LEAPS OUT OF THE CAKE. HE HAS A WIG MADE FROM A MOP HEAD AND A STUFFED BRA.
iary
CAPTAIN
Hans what are you doing in the cake? And why are you dressed like a Hamburg prostitute? Oh I see that is most sexually confusing and amusing.

CAPTAIN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING

SCENE2
THE BRIDGE OF A BRITISH DESTROYER.

LEUTENANT
Captain! I've got a fix I think it's laughter!

CAPTAIN
Oh my wiley Nazi foe, let down by something so human. Fire depthcharges!

LEUTENANT
I can't captain.

CAPTAIN
Why not?

LEUTENANT
Ensign Jones is sulking you forgot his birthday.

This is very good Soots. I think maybe the British captain should discount the idea that it's a German U-boat because of the laughter. Maybe he thinks it must be the yanks but decides to depth charge them anyway?

Sooty, instead of posting 18 sketches a day, why not work on one, make it as good as you can, and then post that?

I'd rather read one great sketch than trawl through 18 that are mediocre at best.

I thought this one was rather good.

Oh simple enough really.

1 Topical sketches for News Revue and Treason Show where I hope for a quick bit of feedback so I can make changes before I send them in.

2 Generic sketches where I'm usually interested in the initial reaction to the 1st draft. So I can improve on it before draughts 2-3.

3 I like writing and sharing it's fun.

Now Don why do your posts always feel negative and slightly resentful?

Quote: sootyj @ May 4 2009, 4:46 PM BST

Oh simple enough really.

1 Topical sketches for News Revue and Treason Show where I hope for a quick bit of feedback so I can make changes before I send them in.

2 Generic sketches where I'm usually interested in the initial reaction to the 1st draft. So I can improve on it before draughts 2-3.

3 I like writing and sharing it's fun.

Now Don why do your posts always feel negative and slightly resentful?

View original

Soot, I've heard alot about this News Revue and Treason show for sketch's, but what does it do? i.e in terms of career, how does it help anybody including you to forward their career as surely it's just for those two shows only?

I don't send anything out, im not a sketch writer. but just enjoy having a go.

Well there must be half a dozen threads on here about them but they do the following.

1 They pay. Not much but you know it's nice.
2 Chance to see your stuff professionally performed.
3 It's the easiest writing credit to get and they want material all the time.
4 It gives me a target to focus at which helps keep me in practise.

Quote: Scottidog @ May 4 2009, 5:09 PM BST

Soot, I've heard alot about this News Revue and Treason show for sketch's, but what does it do? i.e in terms of career, how does it help anybody including you to forward their career as surely it's just for those two shows only?

I don't send anything out, im not a sketch writer. but just enjoy having a go.

View original

Are you assuming that everyone who writes wants a career in it? Isn't there room for people who enjoy having the odd bit of their work performed?

Quote: sootyj @ May 4 2009, 5:13 PM BST

Well there must be half a dozen threads on here about them but they do the following.

1 They pay. Not much but you know it's nice.
2 Chance to see your stuff professionally performed.
3 It's the easiest writing credit to get and they want material all the time.
4 It gives me a target to focus at which helps keep me in practise.

View original

So what do these shows do for you? I mean, do you want to further your career as a writer? can't you send your stuff to production companies, or the bbc/ channel 4 etc.

Quote: Badge @ May 4 2009, 5:15 PM BST

Are you assuming that everyone who writes wants a career in it? Isn't there room for people who enjoy having the odd bit of their work performed?

View original

I did actually think that yes, especially on BSG yeah?

This one didn't do much for me Sooty - but can't fault your range of ideas.

Where would the world be without loads of Sooty sketches everyday?

Quote: Scottidog @ May 4 2009, 5:20 PM BST

I did actually think that yes, especially on BSG yeah?

View original

Don't make assumptions about people you've never met just because they post things on the internet! Different people have different reasons for posting things in Critique, and different ideas of what they want out of it. There's room for everyine to breathe.

Quote: Badge @ May 4 2009, 5:32 PM BST

Don't make assumptions about people you've never met just because they post things on the internet! Different people have different reasons for posting things in Critique, and different ideas of what they want out of it. There's room for everyine to breathe.

View original

Not for me Badge, I live in a 1 bed flat with an iranian family in hiding

Quote: bigfella @ May 4 2009, 5:26 PM BST

This one didn't do much for me Sooty - but can't fault your range of ideas.

Where would the world be without loads of Sooty sketches everyday?

View original

Hey I have days and days I write nowt.

I think this one could work if it was longer with more developed characters. I may rewrite it or put it in on nice.

Thanks for the feedback.

Quote: sootyj @ May 4 2009, 5:44 PM BST

Hey I have days and days I write nowt.

View original

Not bloody many though

And it's good - a high % of your stuff is excellent!

Quote: sootyj @ May 4 2009, 4:46 PM BST

Oh simple enough really.

1 Topical sketches for News Revue and Treason Show where I hope for a quick bit of feedback so I can make changes before I send them in.

2 Generic sketches where I'm usually interested in the initial reaction to the 1st draft. So I can improve on it before draughts 2-3.

3 I like writing and sharing it's fun.

Now Don why do your posts always feel negative and slightly resentful?

View original

You've answered my question very well, Sooty - especially with reason 1.

To answer yours:

I just wish more people would learn the basic mechanics of sketch/sitcom writing - how to tell a gag, if you like. Time and time again, good advice is given and not taken aboard. It's always the same old people on here, making the same old mistakes.