Stand up material. Feedback?

Stand up material for relationships. Feedback wanted, does it work?

My partner wants us to change our relationship and spice things up, she said it is very routine, she wanted to pick a row with me, she said this whilst getting into her 'Winnie the Pooh' pajamas before bed, I said how can I get excited when it's like undressing a f**king 8 year old! She didn't like that, especially when I said she had Pooh on her pajamas.

Again the other night me and my girlfriend were in bed, and she turned and said to me, ' I feel the relationship has lost it's spark, we need to spice things up, I want you to want me again, I want to feel sexy again, it's just got so plain and boring and routine, I want you to take me by surprise, I want you to surprise me' (beat)
So I shit on her.

And then the ultimate blow comes (beat) 'Im thinking of going to Ann Summer's' (beat) oh great, I thought, how do I get out of this? She's gonna come back with something bigger than a cucumber, something huge like The blackmambo 2000, not that I've heard of it or anything, y'know, so I said 'Well don't buy anything that is bigger or thicker than mine!'... else she would never be satisfied by me again. Bit worrying really (beat) off she went, I was worrying about it all day, so she came back after work, with a bag, and I casually said, 'oh so you went to Ann Summer's did you' (beat) yeah, she said, well what did you get? 'well I couldn't get anything in Ann Summer's so I had to go to Costcutter, I said why, and out of the bag she pulls out a Pepperami. (beat) bit embarassing.
I said well that certainly will spice things up (beat) down there, she didn't look happy.

They say if you want to know what your girlfriend will look like in the future, just look at her mother (beat) Not for me (beat) her's is a fat Jamaican lady (beat) well she is adopted.
But having said that we do have a small half cast son together, bit strange.

First two routines certainly work - laughed out loud at 'So I shit on her'.

Next two aren't really for me - but see what the others think.

Do like that 'shit on her' line chief.

Quote: Rick Allden @ May 3 2009, 9:57 PM BST

First two routines certainly work - laughed out loud at 'So I shit on her'.

Next two aren't really for me - but see what the others think.

Do like that 'shit on her' line chief.

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Thanks alot Rick. Much appreciated.

I have a few thoughts on this. Mainly I can see about three jokes and a lot of padding.

The 'shit on her line' is a bit of a catchphrase in an episode of Mighty Boosh, so not sure if you should/want to use it...

Haven't got time to go through it now, but will give more thoughts tomorrow.

A few thoughts? You wear Winnie the Pooh Pj's too?

Padding sets up the joke Dolly? else it would just be words that were meant to be punchlines all the time?

Plus it's more storytelling.

I have never seen Mighty Boosh, Noel Fielding does my head in!

Okay, here's some more considered feedback.

"My partner wants us to change our relationship and spice things up, she said it is very routine, she wanted to pick a row with me, she said this whilst getting into her 'Winnie the Pooh' pajamas before bed, I said how can I get excited when it's like undressing a f**king 8 year old! She didn't like that, especially when I said she had Pooh on her pajamas."

This isn't really a start to the routine. You need more of an intro and a laugh in the first few seconds. I don't think the 8 year old line works as a joke - it's too uncomfortable. The only other gag is the pooh on the pyjamas. Cut the rest and work around that.

"Again the other night me and my girlfriend were in bed, and she turned and said to me, ' I feel the relationship has lost it's spark, we need to spice things up, I want you to want me again, I want to feel sexy again, it's just got so plain and boring and routine, I want you to take me by surprise, I want you to surprise me' (beat)
So I shit on her."

Again this is way too long and repeatative for a weakish punchline. Use that as a throwaway instead.

"And then the ultimate blow comes (beat) 'Im thinking of going to Ann Summer's' (beat) oh great, I thought, how do I get out of this? She's gonna come back with something bigger than a cucumber, something huge like The blackmambo 2000, not that I've heard of it or anything, y'know, so I said 'Well don't buy anything that is bigger or thicker than mine!'... else she would never be satisfied by me again. Bit worrying really (beat) off she went, I was worrying about it all day, so she came back after work, with a bag, and I casually said, 'oh so you went to Ann Summer's did you' (beat) yeah, she said, well what did you get? 'well I couldn't get anything in Ann Summer's so I had to go to Costcutter, I said why, and out of the bag she pulls out a Pepperami. (beat) bit embarassing.
I said well that certainly will spice things up (beat) down there, she didn't look happy."

Again, there's way too much here and only one punchline. It work much better as "my girlfriend asked me to buy something 12 inches long that will spice up our sex life. I got her a Pepperami."

"They say if you want to know what your girlfriend will look like in the future, just look at her mother (beat) Not for me (beat) her's is a fat Jamaican lady (beat) well she is adopted.
But having said that we do have a small half cast son together, bit strange."

Okay, you seem to be applying that there's something wrong with being a large Jamacian woman. You're also presuming your audience will think your girlfriend must be white. 'Half-caste' is also a dodgy phrase to use, so I advise you don't use any of this - unless you want to be the next Jim Davidson of course.

I would also be very careful about the overall tone and delivery. The first thing you have to do as a stand-up is make an audience like you - especially as a new act. This routine doesn't make you sound that likeable (especially to half the audience). So think carefully about the persona you want to use. Get the audience on your side and that's half the battle won and it's easier to get them laughing.

Quote: Scottidog @ May 4 2009, 1:19 PM BST

Padding sets up the joke Dolly? else it would just be words that were meant to be punchlines all the time?

Plus it's more storytelling.

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Yeah, but you're not doing Jackanory, you're doing a 5 minute open spot to paying punters who expect you to make them laugh. A lot. Which is quite often in five minutes. Standing there and not getting many laughs looks bloody painful - though I personally wouldn't know

You want to get to the funny bit asap.

Thanks Dolly. much appreciated, it is about taste, and you have your own opinion's.

I do still believe, that it is storytelling. Il put some more on later, on other topics to see what you think?

Most forensic Dolly you should critique more often.

Good advice and worth following, especially as you've obviously taken some time over this.

Quote: sootyj @ May 4 2009, 1:31 PM BST

Most forensic Dolly you should critique more often.

Good advice and worth following, especially as you've obviously taken some time over this.

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Your quite cutting sometimes Soot, aren't you? it's material I have had a while and wasn't sure of it. But keep typing up the lovely sketches, let me know when you want me to finish one off for you again?

(not in a gay way)

Quote: Scottidog @ May 4 2009, 1:31 PM BST

Thanks Dolly. much appreciated, it is about taste, and you have your own opinion's.

I do still believe, that it is storytelling. Il put some more on later, on other topics to see what you think?

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I don't think it is about taste, more about being funny. Have you seen much live-stand up? I wouldn't want you to go along and stand infront of a room full of strangers without decent material. It wouldn't be fun for you and it certainly wouldn't be for them.

I truly thought this was the worst "stand-up routine" imaginable.

Quote: LIME5000 @ May 4 2009, 1:42 PM BST

I truly thought this was the worst "stand-up routine" imaginable.

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Yes, Jimmy Carr, Frankie Boyle, Ricky Gervais...

But yes. F**k you all. I love it!

But Dolly, if Jimmy Carr had said it, people would be rolling.

Dolly is spot on with her feedback Scott.

Quote: Scottidog @ May 4 2009, 1:45 PM BST

Yes, Jimmy Carr, Frankie Boyle, Ricky Gervais...

But yes. F**k you all. I love it!

But Dolly, if Jimmy Carr had said it, people would be rolling.

View original

If you think it's brilliant, why ask for feedback on it? >_<

Quote: Scottidog @ May 4 2009, 1:45 PM BST

Yes, Jimmy Carr, Frankie Boyle, Ricky Gervais...

But yes. F**k you all. I love it!

But Dolly, if Jimmy Carr had said it, people would be rolling.

View original

Maybe, but that's because he's established. When people go to see his shows they're fans and have paid a lot of money and are determined to enjoy it. But as a new open spot you don't have that advantage and have to work harder in a way, to win the audience over. It's tough, but bombard them with jokes (rather than telling stories) and then you've got a good chance of a higher hit rate of laughs. The audience then remember they laughed a lot and forget about the jokes that fell flat. By using up a lot of your time building up to a joke, if they don't work and you just get a titter or silence (it happens), you look terrible.

I won't go into detail with regards to the mechanics of the jokes, but I think the material in general is of a poor standard and has been done over and over and over and over again. Try to do something more original. Harsh maybe, but I think honesty is important on this forum.

It doesn't feel like this would engage much with the audience either. If you were to perfom it how it reads it would seem like you're just talking "at" the audience as oppossed to really engaging with them. the "shit on her" gag is delievered far too early, you need to develop trust with an audience before saying things like that, otherwise it seems to random and out of place. It just seems like you're looking for impact rather making people laugh.