British Comedy Guide

Afternoon Play (In Colour)

After months of searching I think I've finally found the ideal comedy vehicle for the ancient greek God Hephaestus. It's a play set in an old english manor house in the early 1990's, it's mostly about white people. I would say it's a cross between a yarn and a fable, a yable if you so prefer. Although the guy who reads my gas meter reckons its more a surreal allegory, I happen to disagree.

Key:
(AWATPBITL) = audience would at this point be instructed to laugh
(IAMAW) = insert aide-mémoire at will
(DP) = drop pencil
(SOODC)= spill onions over duck cage
(LACIM) = light aircraft crashes into moat

butler (Goodwin): good morn sir, would one like a coffee with your newspaper

Holmes: why yes certainly goodwin, may I take it in the drawing room

butler: why break a habit of a lifetime (AWATPBITL)

holmes: thankyou goodwin may I also have some quails eggs on toast

butler: very good sir (DP)

holmes: what terrible weather today goodwin, (LACIM) I fear I shant be able to play croquet on the lawn with afternoon tea

butler: well I don't know sir, I hear you often like it wet (AWATPBITL)

holmes: no, I'm afraid I hate the rain, ever since daddy left me outside in the pouring rain for 4 hours when I was a boy. All because I put frog sprawn down Mrs Gutteridge's summer dress.

butler: How frightful, will you be seeing Hephaestus later?

holmes: I'll never (IAMAW) forget the look on her face. I might as well of just eaten her eyeball.(SOODC)

butler: yes how terrible, (DP) that reminds me of something (IAMAW)funny Hephaestus said the other day........

holmes: I think perhaps (LACIM) I shall play croquet, regardless of the weather.

butler: Very good sir (AWATPBITL)

holmes: (DP)

butler: perhpas (SOODC) a quick sherry before you play? You know who loves sherry? Hephaestus, he can't get enough of it.

holmes: OK(AWATPBITL) I'll have a sherry, what would (SOODC)i do without (IAMAW)you goodwin? (SOODC)(DP)

That's all I've got for now. My gas meter reader suggested I tone down the pencil dropping, he said less is more. Although he liked the idea of the audience being encouraged to insert their own aide-mémoire, as audience participation is always fun.

Yes. The next Giro cheque has come through has it?

who is this chump?

At first glance I disregarded this as purely another winding tale leading to the lost land of Forgotten scripts and shakin' stevens but then I had a change of heart and I must confess, I laughed.

I threw a little paddy and deleted this post.

Quote: WoodMeister @ May 4 2009, 4:06 PM BST

I absolutely love this stuff. I know it's not a popular opinion round these parts but this made me laugh far more than most of the muck posted here. 'Light aircraft crashes into moat'. Providing a key. Loved it.

I actually took the time to read this after originally put off by all the 'extras'.

Thought it was brilliant. Alot of random sketch's banded around on here, with people just trying to see how many sketch's they can pop out in a day. But this one, took time, and precision. it's great work

:D

.
Hi Nitram. May I suggest a higher key? Hope you can reach it.

Key:

(GOTMILK) = gets off trolling mundane insignificant lumbering krap
(HENRY) = habitual endless numbing rambling yawns
(THURSTON) = troll heaps utterly rotten tales on net
(FROSTYBOY) = frequently rambles on same troll yarn bored of you
(JONNY2) = joint offerings naff narrative yawning twice

The following would work best on radio. Also, may I suggest some tiny changes in dialogue, etc. and a title?
________________________________________________________________________________

For Whom The Bell Trolls

A Radio Sketch
________________________________________________________________________________

SFX: DISTANT BIRDS. RUSTLING OF NEWSPAPER.

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

BUTLER: Good morning, Sir Trollalot.

TROLLALOT: Good morning, Martin.

SFX: DOOR CLOSES.

BUTLER: Would one like a coffee (GOTMILK) with your cut and pasted newspaper?

TROLLALOT: Why yes, certainly, Martin.

BUTLER: Here we are, sir...

SFX: CLINK OF CUP & SAUCER. RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER.

TROLLALOT: May I also have some Doritos?

BUTLER: Of course. Why break a habit of a lifetime.

SFX: CRINKLING OF DORITOS PACKET

TROLLALOT: Thank you Martin.

BUTLER: Will you be posting silly time-travel stories this morning - or just posting the usual sitcom samples?

TROLLALOT: The latter. Those silly time-travel stories are too easy to cut, paste and re-write from my other posts.

BUTLER: Well I don't know sir, I hear you often like it.

TROLLALOT: Frankly, Martin; I hate being ignored, ever since daddy left me outside in the pouring rain for 4 hours when I was a frosty boy. It made me put frog spawn down Candy Sandy Armstrong's (THURSTON) summer dress.

BUTLER: How frightful! Lovely name though.

TROLLALOT: Thank you. I'll never forget the look on Henry Thurston's face. I might as well of just eaten her eyeball.

BUTLER: Eaten Her Eyeball - good title for a nonsense fable, sir.

TROLLALOT: Indeed, Martin; I'll make a note. However, I think I shall post a play for today.

BUTLER: Play For Today - very clever, sir. All your – ahem – friends will love it regardless.

TROLLALOT: Who needs friends when you've got alter-egos? (SIGHS) What would I do without them?

BUTLER: Be able to write, sir?

TROLLALOT: Ha! Very troll. Take this down on my semen-stained laptop, Martin...

BUTLER: Certainly sir.

SFX: KEYBOARD TAPPING AS TROLLALOT DICTATES

TROLLALOT: After months of searching I think I've finally found the ideal comedy vehicle for the ancient greek God Hephaestus. It's a play set in an old english manor house in the early 1990's, it's mostly about white people. I would say it's a cross between a yarn and a fable, a yable if you so prefer...

SFX: KEYBOARD TAPPING STOPS

TROLLALOT: How's that for starters, Martin?

BUTLER: Yable. Ha! Very clever, sir. I like the way you put more effort into your preambles. It makes you sound genuine.

TROLLALOT: (OUTRAGED) But I am genuine! How dare you?!

BUTLER: Then why are you living under this bridge, with eyes as big as saucers, and a nose as long as a poker?

________________________________________________________________________________

.

Quote: Morrace @ May 4 2009, 5:24 PM BST

.
Hi Nitram. May I suggest a higher key? Hope you can reach it.

Key:

(GOTMILK) = gets off trolling mundane insignificant lumbering krap
(HENRY) = habitual endless numbing rambling yawns
(THURSTON) = troll heaps utterly rotten tales on net
(FROSTYBOY) = frequently rambles on same troll yarn bored of you
(JONNY2) = joint offerings naff narrative yawning twice

________________________________________________________________________________

.

:D

Quote: Fred Sunshine @ May 4 2009, 5:27 PM BST

:D

Where's the 'S' on Thurston? :D

Quote: Fred Sunshine @ May 4 2009, 5:27 PM BST

:D

Where's the 'S' on Thurston? :D

Excellent Morrace! Though I think this bit:

Quote: Morrace @ May 4 2009, 5:24 PM BST

Key:

(GOTMILK) = gets off trolling mundane insignificant lumbering krap
(HENRY) = habitual endless numbing rambling yawns
(THURSTON) = troll heaps utterly rotten tales on net
(FROSTYBOY) = frequently rambles on same troll yarn bored of you
(JONNY2) = joint offerings naff narrative yawning twice

could go on quite a bit longer.

Laughing out loud
Morrace's that is - not the other crap.

Morrace as ever funny and very professional.
But you're like Batman only funny in response to other malfecence.

When will we see the true face of Morrace?

Quote: sootyj @ May 4 2009, 5:42 PM BST

Morrace as ever funny and very professional.
But you're like Batman only funny in response to other malfecence

kapow!

Quote: Badge @ May 4 2009, 5:29 PM BST

Excellent Morrace! Though I think this bit:

Key:

(GOTMILK) = gets off trolling mundane insignificant lumbering krap
(HENRY) = habitual endless numbing rambling yawns
(THURSTON) = troll heaps utterly rotten tales on net
(FROSTYBOY) = frequently rambles on same troll yarn bored of you
(JONNY2) = joint offerings naff narrative yawning twice

could go on quite a bit longer.

Various BSG members collectively shitting themselves (hopefully)

Shitting themselves in the woods?

:)

No we don't shit ourselves. We never need to shit ourselves. But we do often use small animals to wipe ourselves with afterwards...

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