Another sitcom Page 2

I really liked the registers scene as well. I agree with others than the sex jokes needs to be cooled down a bit but personally I saw promise in this as an idea, especially if it goes off in a surreal direction, I'd like to see more!

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Just to answer your questions, Chris.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 29 2009, 2:26 PM BST

Which parts in particular did you find ageist and patronising?

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It was the general 'feel' of it.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 29 2009, 2:26 PM BST

Would you like to read the whole script?

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I can't really commit to that.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 29 2009, 2:26 PM BST

Just it really does pick up after this first part

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That's a bit like a bloke who's in bed with a girl saying;

"it really does pick up after this first part,"

Chances of a second date are nil.
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While I'm at it; may I make these observations on the script? - Thanks...

(1)

FRANK
Why are you pulling on my ear?

This is radio dialogue. You already have the visual direction, 'SHE TUGS ON FRANK'S EAR'

So: –

FRANK
Why are you pulling on my ear?

Becomes:

FRANK
(BRUSHING HER HAND AWAY) Oi!!
________________________________________________________________________________

(2)

This dialogue is stilted, especially as Doris has 'eyes' for Frank.

So:

DORIS
Morning Bill.

BILL
Good morning.

DORIS
Morning Neil.

NEIL
Morning Doris.

Becomes:

DORIS
Morning all.

ALL MUMBLE 'MORNING/MORNING DORIS'

SHE HEADS STRAIGHT FOR FRANK

DORIS
And how are you Frank my love?
________________________________________________________________________________

(3)

HEAD NURSE
Good morning everyone. Before we get going for the day let's just take a register to see who's here. Now then, Jack?

This is clearly exposition. The head nurse takes the register every day;

so it becomes:

HEAD NURSE
Morning all. Right then - register! (CONSULTS CLIPBOARD, LOOKS UP) Jack?
________________________________________________________________________________

There again; one man's meat is another man's Quorn!

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Quote: Peter Gash @ April 29 2009, 3:40 PM BST

Also - if you are submitting anything for consideration (by producers) you really should set up headers and footers with your contact details on (although I appreciate you may have taken them off for privacy reasons in this case).

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Not sure about this, just on the front page should suffice I reckon.

Thanks for that Morrace. Some good points there.

Cheers for the comments everyone.

I'm not too sure about the characters too. The people I know of that age group aren't infirm bingo-loving, etc.

Maybe write about characters you have more in common with or write the elderly people as not much different to yourself and your friends. This setting could also suit a really thought-provoking comedy where 'young' people are trapped in these failing bodies (not literally).

The bingo thing is a example of what I mentioned earlier of exaggerating certain aspects. Some old people like bingo so I've made it so that they all absolutely love bingo and play it religiously.

Also, I do kind of have an interesting thing going on whereby the staff treat them like you would expect in real life, even though they act completely differently. Kind of a 'Toy Story' thing going on.

Cheers

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 30 2009, 12:58 PM BST

Also, I do kind of have an interesting thing going on whereby the staff treat them like you would expect in real life, even though they act completely differently. Kind of a 'Toy Story' thing going on.

Cheers

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You mean like a kind One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, type thing or play it up like a prison camp? Maybe they have a fear of being taken to the showers...

Well it's like they are all perfectly fine but will act their age when it suits them, and they also give in to certain things like bingo, a bit like how Brian in Family Guy can't help but act like a dog every now and again.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 29 2009, 2:26 PM BST

Would you like to read the whole script? Just it really does pick up after this first part

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I've heard this said so many times, Chris.

It translates as:

"Yeah, I know this part is a bit sh*t, but carry on reading because it gets a lot better, honest."

The problem is, if your first ten pages are dross, the script is going into the bin. People won't have patience with it.

Next time - just post your best stuff.

It's not that I think the first 10 pages are crap at all. It's just that a lot more starts happening after this part that might change his mind about it feeling ageist.

Chris I enjoyed it, and wanted to see more. Which is good, thought the sexual jokes just need toning down a tad, but the format for a sitcom is great. Got to remember though, don't change a thing if you are happy with it, these are people's opinion's, and only you know where it is going and nobody else.

Cheers Scottidog.

I think I will have a tinker with the sexual jokes since that's what alot of people have mentioned, but yeah if I like something it's staying in there despite what other people say about it.

Cheers

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ May 2 2009, 2:40 PM BST

if I like something it's staying in there despite what other people say about it.

Cheers

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Good! that's the attitude.

I thought I had already responded to this Chris, but seems I haven't.

I'll try to break it down the best I can.
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JACK
I think he's dead.
HEAD NURSE
That is a shame. Margret?

Like it.

JACK
He didn't look too well yesterday.
HEAD NURSE
Right, I'll put him down as dead
for now.

I would suggest toning this down a tad, it's too similar a joke to the last one. Rather than putting him down as dead - something a little less grim, but still funny?

FRANK
Check out the new kid.
DORIS
Ooh I am.
NEIL
Fancy a bit of that do you eh
Doris?
DORIS
I'd like to wake up next to him.

I like it.

NEIL
She's just trying to get into your
long-johns son.

Long johns, lol.

Frank and Doris open the door and enter. There are pictures
of mostly naked men on the walls and lots of magazines
scattered around the place of a similar nature.

LOL. I like it.

_________

Good going Chris, I like the characters. I'd drop the sex talk at the end (where Doris keeps waking) but the rest of the references are good and funny.

she's a sex obsessed old lady in a wheelchair.

I'm sure I've heard of this before, only it was the man who was in a wheelchair and a decrepid old lady crawling across the floor to come and fondle his nuts.

Thanks Craig. Appreciate the specific comments aswell.

Lime: Where the hell did you see that??

Cheers