CHARITY AUCTION SKETCH
HOST:
Ladies and gentlemen. Esteemed colleges and fellow celebrities. We are gathered here today for one cause. What I say next may shock you, but it has to be said as we cannot ignore it any longer.
The rumours you may have hearted are true. Today in 2009! Children in Africa (EMOTIONAL PAUSE) are sober! I know it's hard to believe but it's true. In fact every six seconds a child dies of boredom…. Not literally of course, it's just a saying. No one can die of boredom – ask Jonathon's Ross's audience. (HOST LAUGHS AT OWN JOKE). But I used that phrase to emphasise the seriousness of the situation.
We all take alcohol for granted, look at you guys tonight. Your tables and bellies are full of it, apart from Gazza of course (WINKS). However in Africa it's a different story. Children were sober yesterday, they are sober today and if we don't act now they will be sober tomorrow.
We do have footage of a young African child but the content is so horrific we were told we could not show it. However I will tell you the basic details. The film shows Tabu, a five year old African girl who is so sober she can walk five miles with a pot balanced on her head! (HOST LOOKS DOWN AND COMPSOSES HIMSLEF) And what is waiting for her after her trek. A chilled bottle of Crystal? Or maybe a single malt. No! Not even a cheap generic cider. All there is after her hard, hot journey is some dirty water that an alcohol content of 0.01%.
So what can we do to stop this outrage? Well fortunately, due to the fact they are also starving, a small amount of alcohol will intoxicate them. In fact just 50p a day will buy enough super strength lager to inebriate a toddler for most of the day – solving an inhumane infliction.
So please dig deep and remember our motto "Give a child a keg of beer and he can inebriate his family for one day, but give him a home brew kit from boots and he can inebriate his family for a lifetime."
