Hey everybody
Here is the first 10 pages of my latest attempt at sitcom, entitled "Oldies". It is set in a retirement home and follows a group of people who don't really act their age. Well, they do but not all the time (Think Stewie in Family Guy and how he acts like a baby every now and again.)
This is still very much a work in progress but I'm at a stage where I'd quite like to get some opinion on it.
http://jebsly27.110mb.com/oldiessamp.PDF
Cheers and look forward to your replies.
Not too bad! The fanny ploughing bit seems a bit of a stretch (at least the way it's written). I could see it for a character who constantly tries to make something smutty out of things said, but not a mistake like that.
How are you going to make sure all the actors survive long enough for a second series?
Cheers for commenting.
I do kind of agree with you on the fanny ploughing bit. Looking back it is a bit muddled from what I had in mind, so I'll give that another look and see if I can clean it up. That is what Doris' character is though, she's a sex obsessed old lady in a wheelchair.
As for the actors, the way I have it in my mind I think it would be better to have younger actors made up to look old.
That or cryogenics.
Cheers 
Hi Chris,
I enjoyed reading the script but I must be honest, I don't think it's an idea that will work/appeal. Firstly with regards to the title there's currently a sit com out called 'old guys', so that might need to be changed. Whilst I think there can be comic potential in people who are getting old e.g 'one foot in the grave' 'dad's army' I'm not sure if elderly people in a retirement home would have the same appeal.
I found the script quite negative in it's portrayal and didn't really challenge sterotypes or perceptions of old people, there was a sense of it having been done before. I think the gag about the old lady being a sex maniac would be funnier if it was more subtle, (like rob brydon's closet gay in Gavin and Stacey) Then it's less blatant and I think more funny, as there was far to much reference to it in the first 10 pages, it would become exausting to the audience if that rate of sex gags was kept up.
Just my 2 cents though, I'm not sure if I know what im talking about. You have the vision I don't.
Just one more point. I advise against using younger actors to play old people. It could end up being a bit like a college revue.
Hey Vance
I think I landed on that name last night and I'm still trying to come up with a good one. Why is naming the damn thing so hard??
What I've tried to do here is set it in an old people's home, yet have a bunch of childish characters in there for contrast, and I think that's why I ran with this setting. I also like to add a bit of surrealism into what I do which mixes it up a bit more. With regards to challenging stereotypes, as I said these characters are quite youthful so are pretty able of body and mind, but I've also exaggerated aspects of old age as well. Most of that doesn't really come across in these first 10 pages though. You can just start to see it coming in when they go to Doris' room.
The problem with using older actors for this, and why I think it would be better to use younger ones, is that what I have planned is quite full-on.
Cheers and appreciate the feedback.
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I agree with a lot of the points Vance Crabbe made.
Frankly, I thought it was ageist and patronising - especially in this day and age. 'Old people' get out more now - I do! Maybe you should.
"I used to love this one cock we had, massive it was" - Ooh Matron! Leave that to 'Carry on'
And 'Moor Gue Retirement Home'? Surely you must be able to do better than that!
Sorry if this seems harsh but I felt your script was written back in them 'good old days' when the BSG was fields.
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Hey Morrace
Which parts in particular did you find ageist and patronising?
And yes Moor Gue retirement home is bad, but I'm going to name the sitcom before the building. Too many names!!
Would you like to read the whole script? Just it really does pick up after this first part and I don't want to leave you thinking I've written an entire sitcom patronising OAP's.
Cheers for commenting.
There was a sitcom called Waiting for God set in a retirement home. Not been on for a few years but you might want to check it out.
I thought this bit was funny:
Head Nurse:
Lewis?
Jack:
I think he's dead.
Head Nurse:
That is a shame. Margret?
I read this as though the nurse was like Basil Fawlty, with dead pan sarcasm, as though a death was less important than his job of taking the register.
Def.
I'm sorry but it didn't quite ring true to me - please don't take this as a dig, it's just my thoughts and they're offered with good will - the opening pages establish Frank as the key character, and it seems as though he's been there some time and knows the others reasonably well as they have their own in-jokes going on.
So it struck me as wrong that he hadn't been in Doris's room before - or at the very least didn't know from the others what to expect, as they seemed to have the knowledge of what happens in there.
Like I say, it's just my thoughts so feel free to disregard.
Also - if you are submitting anything for consideration (by producers) you really should set up headers and footers with your contact details on (although I appreciate you may have taken them off for privacy reasons in this case).
Thanks everyone
Marc: I have heard of that before but never really watched it. I'll deffo give it a look.
Deferenz: That's exactly what I was going for there.
Peter: Frank isn't really the key character but he does play one of the biggest parts in this episode. The reason for never having been in Doris' room before is that in retirement homes (as far as I'm aware), the bedrooms are only really used for sleeping and storing their stuff, they spend most of their time in a day room or elsewhere.
There will be contact details on there when I get round to sending it out, but like I said in the first post this is just a work in progress so I haven't bothered yet.
Much appreciated everyone
Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 29 2009, 3:54 PM BSTThanks everyone
The reason for never having been in Doris' room before is that in retirement homes (as far as I'm aware), the bedrooms are only really used for sleeping and storing their stuff, they spend most of their time in a day room or elsewhere.
Chris, you know what people say about 'Assume'. If you are intent on making this comedy a real deal then you may want to do a bit of research on what actually goes on in a retirement home. Visit one if you can arrange it and chat with the residents. See how it works, get them to share some anecdotes with you. Talk to the staff too. If you are not too shy to do this, or to think it's a waste of time, then you'd probably come away with more ideas for character traits, jokes and plots than you could ever wish for.
Def.
Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 29 2009, 1:08 PM BSTI do kind of agree with you on the fanny ploughing bit. Looking back it is a bit muddled from what I had in mind, so I'll give that another look and see if I can clean it up. That is what Doris' character is though, she's a sex obsessed old lady in a wheelchair.
I'm sure it could be reworded so the mistake seems more natural instead of stretching for it.
And yes, you should check out Waiting For God - that was the first thing I thought of when you said it was oldies acting younger! You definitely want to steer clear of copying that show.
Quote: Deferenz @ April 29 2009, 4:19 PM BSTChris, you know what people say about 'Assume'. If you are intent on making this comedy a real deal then you may want to do a bit of research on what actually goes on in a retirement home. Visit one if you can arrange it and chat with the residents. See how it works, get them to share some anecdotes with you. Talk to the staff too. If you are not too shy to do this, or to think it's a waste of time, then you'd probably come away with more ideas for character traits, jokes and plots than you could ever wish for.
Def.
What I meant when I said that was from personal experience of visiting my great-grandmother in a retirement home that was how it was. This was years ago now so I don't know if it's still the same, or if it was ever the same everywhere else. Her room wasn't much more than a bed, a wardrobe and some drawers so there wasn't much point in going in there except sleep. Like I say, I don't know if this applies everywhere but this was inspired by my experiences.
Cheers
Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 29 2009, 4:37 PM BSTWhat I meant when I said that was from personal experience of visiting my great-grandmother in a retirement home that was how it was. This was years ago now so I don't know if it's still the same, or if it was ever the same everywhere else. Her room wasn't much more than a bed, a wardrobe and some drawers so there wasn't much point in going in there except sleep. Like I say, I don't know if this applies everywhere but this was inspired by my experiences.
Cheers
Fair enough. Bare in mind though that you probably weren't looking for sitcom titbits back then, wheras this time it would be a deliberate fact finding mission.
To give a different slant on it, I helped an old great aunt move into a retirement complex. She had her own flat in this building but there was also a communal lounge, kitchen area and games/activites room. This meant she could entertain vistors or go communal as she wished. After she had settled in, one of her passtimes was to get invited to lots of the flats for dinner so that she didn't have to cook. - There's a plot idea for an episode right there.
Def.