Quote: Marc P @ April 28 2009, 2:15 PM BSTIt needs a Brazilian!
Funnily enough, Ronaldinho is in our next scene.
Quote: don rushmore @ April 28 2009, 2:15 PM BSTYou've learnt a lot from Tom, really?
Really really.
Tom and Craig productions Page 2
Quote: Craig H @ April 28 2009, 3:07 PM BSTFunnily enough, Ronaldinho is in our next scene.
You've lost me. Is he something to do with that wrong version of football?
Quote: Marc P @ April 28 2009, 3:26 PM BSTYou've lost me. Is he something to do with that wrong version of football?
Not sure what the wrong version is, I do know it's the most popular sport in the world, if that helps.
You're obviously a girl, but girlier 
.
I have been told I have very pretty eye-lashes.
Quote: Marc P @ April 28 2009, 4:06 PM BSTI have been told I have very pretty eye-lashes.
Eye-lashes aside. What do you think of the scene extract? do you genuinely not like it? I would appreciate your feedback Marc.
Quote: Craig H @ April 28 2009, 4:31 PM BSTEye-lashes aside. What do you think of the scene extract? do you genuinely not like it? I would appreciate your feedback Marc.
Sorry Craig it was just a bit too padded for me to really tackle it. I'll have a look tommorrow properly if that's alright?
Quote: Marc P @ April 28 2009, 4:36 PM BSTSorry Craig it was just a bit too padded for me to really tackle it. I'll have a look tommorrow properly if that's alright?
No need to flash those lashes at me - you know it's alright.
We realise its too long but its good to get others opinions about what does and doesn't work so we can make a decision what to cut. if one of you likes a joke and the other doesn't its good to get that third opinion.
Quote: don rushmore @ April 28 2009, 2:15 PM BSTYou've learnt a lot from Tom, really?
Oh dear Don.
Quote: Tom G @ April 27 2009, 5:43 PM BSTSTEVE:
I didn't mean what were you doing in The George; I meant what were you doing IN THE GEORGE?
BOB:
You're confusing me. You just said the same words but shouted a bit more the second time.
Hi there
I agree with the others that it needs a lot of editing but that's how you find your way with characters etc. It's what I do anyway, write loads initially then see what's needed and what's not.
I did like the above bit though - I found it funny and it tells you a bit about their relationship which is what you need more of.
I've written a couple of things via email with other people - I think if you can be blunt with each other and cut what either of you don't like it can work.
Jx
Hi Craig,
I think as you know it can do with a bit of brutal trimming. I like the premise of a couple of children's entertainers. And I think you have a couple of strong characters here hidden in the badinage. I think you need to focus on what this scene is really about and strip out all the extraneous stuff. I did mark it up in word and italicised where I think you could make some cuts but when I pasted it here the italics all disappear and I can't be arsed to go through it all bit by bit. I can paste up here if you like with the bits excised that I think are clogging up the scene if you like. I know some people don't like that. In essence it's a likely lads set up which isn't a bad thing. Didn't hurt MBB or Peep Show. Or OFAH.
Quote: Jane P @ April 28 2009, 9:21 PM BSTHi there
I agree with the others that it needs a lot of editing but that's how you find your way with characters etc. It's what I do anyway, write loads initially then see what's needed and what's not.
I did like the above bit though - I found it funny and it tells you a bit about their relationship which is what you need more of.
I've written a couple of things via email with other people - I think if you can be blunt with each other and cut what either of you don't like it can work.
Jx
Thanks Jane.
Well if we weren't a aware it needs trimming there's no doubt in our minds now. It is good to see what people like and dislike in our characters. The part you like I think really does sum up our characters. We are still trying to carve out their personalities and complete them so to speak and it helps alot when people let you know how they appear/sound from an outsiders perspective (it seems they are going down well, which is good).
Quote: Marc P @ April 29 2009, 2:05 PM BSTHi Craig,
I think as you know it can do with a bit of brutal trimming. I like the premise of a couple of children's entertainers. And I think you have a couple of strong characters here hidden in the badinage. I think you need to focus on what this scene is really about and strip out all the extraneous stuff. I did mark it up in word and italicised whee I think you could make some cuts but when I pasted it here the italics all dissapear and I can't be arsed to go through it all bit by bit.
No need to paste Marc, but thank you for taking the time to read and leave feedback.
I think we know where to go with this. The length was due to me adding alot of extra banter in the final edit. Too much too soon sounds about right.
Quote: Craig H @ April 29 2009, 3:27 PM BSTNo need to paste Marc, but thank you for taking the time to read and leave feedback.
No worries. I think you can lose fifty percent by my calculations.
Good luck it all.
Quote: Marc P @ April 29 2009, 4:59 PM BSTNo worries. I think you can lose fifty percent by my calculations.
Good luck it all.
You can Pm or email over your suggestions to me Marc if you still have them, would be good to see. Thanks
Quote: Tom G @ April 29 2009, 11:19 PM BSTYou can Pm or email over your suggestions to me Marc if you still have them, would be good to see. Thanks
Sorry Tom I cut and pasted in word and had a look at how I would do an edit and then binned it as I tidied up my desk top. Main thing is to ask yourself what is the scene about - really focus on that, anything that isn't to do with it cut out.