Tom and Craig productions

Following the joint sketch about the children's entertainers me and Craig H have been working on a joint sitcom.

With Craig in Scotland and me in Dorset it's not easy but through MSN and this site we have managed to string together a first scene.

The first scene is very long at the moment but let us know what you think.SCENE INT. CLOCKHOUSE PUB – DAY 1 9:00PM
STEVE (MID 20S, DISTINCTLY NORMAL) IS SAT AT THE BAR READING A PAPER. BOB (MID 20S, OVERWEIGHT) ENTERS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AND CREEPS UP BEHIND STEVE AND GIVES HIM A FRIGHT.

BOB:

Ahhhh!

STEVE:

Jesus Christ, Bob. You scared the life out of me.

BOB:

Alright cheer up Coco, talk about tears of a clown. Anyway shouldn't it be I scared you to death?

STEVE:

It's the same thing.

BOB:

I know, but I had a bet in my head that you were going to say the death one. I had a joke set up and everything.

BOB POINTS TO STEVE'S NEWSPAPER.

BOB:

Anyway, your just angry cos I caught you staring at the page three girl.

STEVE:

I was actually reading about those Clown town robberies. They're getting more work than we are.

BOB:

And better advertising.

STEVE:

It's not really advertising though is it?

BOB:

If it's anywhere on page three it's great publicity.

STEVE:

Problem solved, let's just do a few armed robberies dressed as clowns and ask The Herald if they can fit us on page three.

BOB GIVES HIM AN ENTHUSIASTIC NOD

BOB:

We've got the costumes.

STEVE:

I'm kidding Bob, Jesus; we're not that desperate (pause) yet.

Anyway you're late.

BOB:

Yeah and do you wanna know why?

STEVE:

No, I've just eaten.

BOB:

GUESS (pause) who I've JUST met?

STEVE:

I guess your psychiatrist would be wishful thinking?

BOB:

Only Alan bloody Willis, you're idol.

STEVE:

What? Are you sure it was definitely him? Remember the time you thought that kid was Jimmy Krankie?

BOB:

He looked just like him.

STEVE:

Do you know I never knew Jimmy Krankie was actually a woman until my mum told me. Just shows you.

BOB (CLEARLY UNAWARE JIMMY KRANKIE WAS PLAYED BY A WOMAN) LOOKS CONFUSED AND LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

STEVE:

I still don't believe you met Alan Willis, I mean YOU, come on, I've tried to contact that guy God knows how many times.

BOB:

Read it and weep Steve-o. Alan Willis, TV producer.

BOB OPENS HIS WALLET AND HANDS STEVE ALAN WILLIS BUSINESS CARD

STEVE:

Jesus Christ, it is him, where did you meet him?

BOB:

He was in The George.

STEVE:

What were you doing in The George?

BOB:

Eh (pause) drinking.

STEVE:

I didn't mean what were you doing in The George; I meant what were you doing IN THE GEORGE?

BOB:

You're confusing me. You just said the same words but shouted a bit more the second time.

STEVE:

You were supposed to meet me here like half an hour ago.

BOB:

Yeah sorry about that, I hadn't eaten since lunch and the smell of The George burgers; oh they're to die for (patting his belly)

STEVE:

It's literally 500 yards down the road.

BOB:

Yeah, but those burgers. (rubbing his belly)

STEVE:

I've been sitting here like a right clown.

BOB STARTS LAUGHING.

STEVE:

I don't see what's so funny Bob.

BOB:

Clown, you said right clown.

STEVE:

Yea, so what?

BOB:

And we're clowns.

STEVE:

We're ENTERTAINERS! If you were ever here you'd know that.

BOB:

Yea, but we're children's entertainers.

STEVE:
Bob, I've been sitting here waiting to discuss our business, or lack of it, and you have been out stuffing your face, drinking, hanging out with God knows who, what next?

BOB:

Well I like to relax after work

STEVE INTERUPTS

STEVE:

All you've had to do all day is go and buy a new set of juggling balls

BOB:

Oh yeah. I knew I forgot something

STEVE:

That part IS a joke, right? tell me you're kidding Bob.

BOB:

I'm sorry, I'm just not used to all this full time malarkey.

STEVE:

Malarkey? This malarkey keeps a roof over your head. I've put all my savings into this business and you're treating it like a passing hobby.

BOB:

So, how did you get on with the bookings today?

STEVE:

None, but at least I'm...

BOB:

That's one less than I got.

STEVE:

(Finishing his sentence) trying. (pause) You (pause) YOU, got us a booking? How did you manage that in between fannying around?

BOB:

It's Alan's son's birthday party tomorrow. He want's US to perform.

STEVE:

Eh? Who hires a children's entertainer in a pub? (pause) Don't answer that! (pause) Where does he get his babysitters from? He must look for a hooker on the street corner who doesn't look too busy.

BOB:

He was desperate.

STEVE:
(sarcastic)
No, really?

BOB:

I overheard him on the phone to his wife. He'd forgot to book the entertainment for the party. I thought what would Steve do.

STEVE LOOKS PROUD.

BOB:

So, I went over to his table and started juggling some empty glasses.

STEVE'S FACE FALLS.

STEVE:

So rather than pick up a yellow pages or have a quick search on the Internet he just asked the nearest alcoholic to perform at his son's party?

BOB:

No, he asked me.

STEVE LETS OUT A SIGH

STEVE:

You put lager on your coco pops.

BOB:

That's not fair...it's corn flakes. Anyway he didn't have time for any of that. The party is tomorrow afternoon. He wants us to do a little half hour show for him, fully paid and he may even get us more work if we're any good.

STEVE:
(serious, focussed)
Okay, We need to impress this guy, he's big Bob, he's really big. I'm thinking maybe I should take the lead. add in some really dramatic stuff, give me a chance to show off my acting skills, you know what I mean? We can really show him what I'm made of.

BOB:

What we're made of?

STEVE:

Yeah, that's what I said.

BOB:

(Enthusiastically) Oh, I know, how about using those new stilts I bought?

STEVE:

I thought I told you to take them back? Neither of us can even walk in them.
This has to be perfect Bob and preparation is key. This is the opportunity of a lifetime; this could lead to bigger and better things.

BOB:

Yea, coming to think of it he did mention his mate Johnny (beat) it's his kid's birthday next week.

STEVE LETS OUT AN EXASPERATED SIGH AND PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE.

BOB:
Right boss, it's your round.

STEVE:
No, I'm going home to prepare something for tomorrow. One of us has to be sensible.

BOB:
Fair enough, double Scotch please Daisy.

STEVE:
Go easy for god's sake Bob; I don't want you with a hangover tomorrow.

BOB:
Come on Steve-o, it's me Bob, do you really think I'd ruin this opportunity for us?

STEVE:
Sorry, I just can't believe we're performing for Alan Willis that's all.

BOB:
Plus, I've only got a tenner on me.

STEVE:
Right (smiles), well remember you NEED to get those balls tomorrow morning.

BOB:
Okay, okay.

STEVE LEAVES THE BAR

DAISY:
That's £3.60 please love.

BOB SEARCHES HIS POCKETS AND COMES ACROSS A £20 NOTE HE DIDN'T REALISE HE HAD

BOB SMILES WITH EXCITMENT, WAVING THE TWENTY.

-

DAISY ROLLS HER EYES

This is about 2 edits back Tom?

and is unfinished? >_<

COMING SOON?

Isn't that a sitcom about premature ejaculation?

Schoolboy. Not enough ellipses.

ROFL!

Well, it got more feedback than I had anticipated Tom.

I don't like it.

Quote: don rushmore @ April 27 2009, 6:27 PM BST

I don't like it.

View original

Liar.

Quote: Morrace @ April 27 2009, 6:20 PM BST

.
This is much too short.

Is 'COMING SOON' the title? A character? Or a piece of (shouted) dialogue?

A good start though. Very promising.

.

View original

Thanks Morrace. I think so too.

Ok the real deal is now posted! fire away!

The two characters are clearly enough delineated, but there is an awful lot of them telling one another things they already know; I think by assuming more intelligence on the part of the audience you could trim the scene down considerably.

Any views now it's uploaded properly?

It seemed to dip in and out for me. Bits of it flowed very nicely but there were other parts where it just seemed to crawl along. Also, a few of the jokes fell flat, but I did enjoy most of them, particularly the £20 note bit at the end.

The characters are good and the premise is interesting so I think with a bit more tightening you could be onto something.

There are a few pleasant jokes there but nothing really lit up the screen just yet. As you already said, it is a long scene and I think it needs a BIG trim. At the moment you have a lot of banter and if the end result was that they got a gig then I felt it gets a little lost in the back and forth chat.

It might be useful to know they were clowns/entertainers in the description because it comes across as a mix of exposition meets forced dialogue when reading it in their conversation.

As always these types of extracts suffer from what we don't know as the reader. Tom & Craig, you might have a good idea of the characters and where the plot is going but obviously we, the reader, don't. Not a lot that can be done about this of course, unless we all read the full script.

I imagine it must be a fun project with two people at the opposite ends of the country sorting everything out via MSN. Best of luck with it. As an aside it would be interesting to find out how that type of partnership worked out for you both.

Def.

Thanks Tim, Chris and Def (your comments were particularly helpful Def, very insightful - ie. losing track of plot - point noted).

Def > This is scene 1 from episode 2 - so by this time you would know they are children's entertainers.

I did the final edit and added quite alot of gags/banter to it – perhaps lengthening it too much?

It's good news though that the feedback so far has been complimentary to the characters, it means we're on to something.

I actually really like this as it is. Will no doubt be changed though as we progress.

It's good to throw ideas around and bounce them off one another, that's where I guess you can address what works and what doesn't – working yourself and thinking up good ideas is all good but then you only have one perspective and you're never really 100% sure if it's good/will work – having someone else to say yay or nay helps alot.

I'd say me and Tom have worked it pretty well together and pretty quickly too - I've also learnt quite alot from his as well.

Cheers guys.

Quote: Deferenz @ April 28 2009, 12:10 AM BST

I think it needs a BIG trim.

View original

It needs a Brazilian!

Quote: Craig H @ April 28 2009, 2:10 PM BST

I'd say me and Tom have worked it pretty well together and pretty quickly too - I've also learnt quite alot from his as well.

View original

You've learnt a lot from Tom, really?