Scene from sitcom. Thoughts?

This is a scene from a sitcom I am writing. They are plumbers sitting in their van chatting. The scene is intended to focus on diet, and is a running theme, along others in the sitcom.
Steve is mid 40's, short, overweight, set in his ways, and a stereotypical tradesman, thinks he's a mans man.
Scott is a young apprentice, whose dreams are far greater than being a plumber.

Steve and Scott are pulled up in a lay by ready to eat their lunch. Steve reading the paper.

SCOTT: What we doin in a lay by steve?...not gonna do bad things to me are you?

STEVE: Huh........(long pause)...........Nar....

SCOTT: What we got for lunch then Mr Steve.......Still doin the atkins diet with your misses and her sister..?

STEVE: Nah.....

SCOTT: Come on...what you got..what you got...
(Steve puts paper down and pulls out his lunchbag, with an eager look on his face)

STEVE: Oooooo...what havent we got my son.....(Pulling things out the bag one by one)
A ham and pickle batch, with....tiger bread, a rolo yogurt (showing it to scott)

SCOTT: oooo...got your spoon

STEVE: Yep...got a rolo yogurt...

SCOTT: what another one...

STEVE: No...same one......got a kitkat, a pack of midget gems,.and a muller light mandarin yogurt......for the old health kick

SCOTT: Was gonna say, the diets going well then, (sacastically) if it werent for the mandarin yogurt there, I was beginning to think you were abandoning the diet...how much you lost then

STEVE: (Opening the kitkat first)....erm I reckon about a stone......

SCOTT: Bout a stone?...well don't you know, when did you last weigh yourself?

STEVE: I dont...

SCOTT: What you mean you dont?...how'd you know you've lost a stone

STEVE: Well, I reckon its about a stone, cos every inch off your waist they say you've lost about a stone don't they..

SCOTT: What?....

STEVE: A stone for every inch off the' old love handle...

SCOTT: Steve no they dont....where have you heard that shit from!...I swear you make this shit up...

STEVE: Nah its true....serious....

SCOTT: OH serious....your the next Gillian Mckeith then steve.....So you've measured your waist then, and you've lost an inch?

STEVE: Erm...I reckon so yeah...

SCOTT: You haven't measured your waist have you Steve?

STEVE: No......... its a guess...........(long pause)..................

SCOTT: So............ you could actually still be the same weight then....

STEVE: well.........guess so................feel slimmer though...

(Steve puts the whole kitkat into this mouth)

There's some nice dialogue in there and you seem to have the characters well planned out. Viewing them through their packed lunch choices is an ineteresting device. The dieting chat certainly made me smile.

But with out more knowledge of your sitcom it's hard to tell where it's going.

Thanks Sooty, yes I understand what you mean. I certainly do take them two on a journey throughout. Did you feel like you could read more of where it could go with them?

Yes I'd like to see it.

Hi. Just to say you don't need all the .... it's a bit off-putting to the reader and you don't need them.......
...

Well I think you do, I think it shows pauses of speech and the flow of conversation. Thanks for the feedback though.

Quote: Scottidog @ April 26 2009, 8:12 PM BST

Well I think you do, I think it shows pauses of speech and the flow of conversation. Thanks for the feedback though.

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Actors don't need that. Have you seen many other sitcom scripts?

Have you ever seen the office scripts?.......

Your sweet.

Dolly is correct. You don't need it.

Maybe. But I write it like that. Thanks anyway.

Quote: Scottidog @ April 26 2009, 8:20 PM BST

Have you ever seen the office scripts?.......

View original

Yeah, I've read The Office scripts. There's certainly quite a few ellipses at the end of speeches, but not as many as you've used - certainly not within dialogue anyway.

I also believe that The Office scripts, and correct me if I'm wrong, are also more like transcriptions of the show, rather than the original shooting script as Gervais would ad lib and change lines as he went.

Of course you don't have to listen to me, but I for one was put off reading your scene when I saw all the ... It might be brilliant but I found so many ... distracting.

did you say my scene was brilliant?........oops.....(sorry).......il cut that out......shit! done it again. :-)

What did you think? x

I in the past and still am a comma addict.

It can be easier just to add a (Beat).

Sometimes the straighter you write something the more faith it shows in your writing.

Still like your writing.

Ok Ok Peeps....GIVE me a breather please! Ive just been literally punched in my literacy. I feel like a little girl taken to her headmaster! and no, its not cos im wearing little red shoes and an alice band! (beat) what?

C'mon it's a good script I want to see more and maybe a few less elipses.