Not posted here before, so hello ! Would appreciate any feedback on this, as I am having trouble knowing what to cut out. Thanks.
A MIDDLE AGED COUPLE SIT IN AN INSURANCE OFFICE. PHONES RING, PEOPLE CHATTER.
AGENT
So, Mr. and Mrs Tomlinson, I need to go through some details with you for the claim. Are you both alright for coffee?
MR. TOMLINSON
I'd love one …
MRS TOMLINSON
(Low) No Colin, I saw yeast on the milk frother.
AGENT
So if you could tell me?
MRS TOMLINSON
Colin decided that we wanted to go on holiday, what with all the worries he'd had about his job and all those allegations that mother superior made. We never gave it a second thought, leaving the house with Daphne and Tom … well (sobbing a little) you don't expect your own family to do something so stupid! We've watched them growing older and wiser, we never thought (sobbing a little more) they'd be so foolish!
AGENT
What did they do?
MRS TOMLINSON
(Sobbing) No sooner had we packed up the Focus and sedated the spaniels than they decided to throw a party in my through lounge-aservatory … a few drinks, a few friends … but Tom, (sobbing) ... Tom decided to advertise it on MySpace … under the link 'Some heavy shizzle going down here tonight'. And they came – bloody coachloads of 'em.
AGENT
How terrible! I can't imagine my children …
MRS TOMLINSON
(Interrupting him) They're not our children.
MR. TOMLINSON
(Sheepishly) They're my parents.
MRS TOMLINSON
And it was a swingers party! Have you ever tried swinging with a plastic hip? The neighbours said they couldn't hear Hollyoaks for ambulance noise! And the whole house – ruined! Barley wine sodden through all my carpets, all my objets d'arts broken – bar the Vera Lynn collectors plates, strangely; windows smeared in what I can only describe as Horlicks … and as for what I found in the master bedroom …
AGENT
(Expectantly) What did you find in the master bedroom?
MR. TOMLINSON
A blow-up Gloria Honeyford.
THEY PAUSE TO TAKE IN THIS INFORMATION.
MRS TOMLINSON
… and one of them cardigan wearing miscreants wrote allover my Tesco fresco 'Who ate all the liquidised pies?'.
MR. TOMLINSON
(Trying to make it better) They did leave a cloth and a bucket of white spirit though.
MRS TOMLINSON
That's not the point Colin! And there was … (she stops)
AGENT
(Encouraging her) … go on, we're all friends here.
MRS TOMLINSON
There was evidence of sexual activity in my Jacuzzi.
AGENT
Floating condom?
MRS TOMLINSON
Sunken truss.
AGENT
… and how much do you estimate the damage at?
MRS TOMLINSON
The devastation of my house, who could put a figure on that? £2,733,840.65p … looking my neighbours in the eye knowing they've seen my mother-in-law engaged in the flying lotus? How do you put a price on that? (she pauses while she thinks it over) ... £2m, at least.
AGENT
Do you not think that's a bit excessive love?
MRS TOMLINSON
Excessive? Excessive?? Tell me Mr. Work Experience, how would you feel knowing 17.4m people had seen a picture of your bidet on Flickr? Much less the octanagarian sat astride it smoking cannabis from the Kerplunk you were saving for the 'Toys-for-Taliban' door-to-door? And my auntie Aggie holding the lighter!
AGENT
Sounds appalling.
MRS TOMLINSON
The lady from CNN thought so, she wrote us a cheque for £50,000 for an exclusive, with £100,000 more if one of them ends up pregnant with twins. Well, science these days they can do all sorts. My cousin Malcolm went in an eye patient and came out an Eileen; I've had Reuters and ITN having a fist fight over a parking space in the crescent; and I'm considering an offer from Playboy! Hugh H. has got the cutest pet name for me already – Webcam Milfy!
AGENT
Sounds like you won't be needing this claim then.
MRS TOMLINSON
How dare you assume! It might take two Polish lads a week to repaper my Di shrine but will they paper over the cracks in my heart? I don't think so!
AGENT
... but if I may...?
MRS TOMLINSON
No you may not! Do you know how difficult it is to unscrew a sling from the ceiling while you've got a cameraman in an Atlanta Braves t-shirt and a state of inebriation showing Anderson Cooper around your broken knickknacks? Colin nearly put his back out.
AGENT
But £4.8m is a bit much for a (he quotes from their claim form) 'winsome, charming piss-yellow brick Barrett starter palace'.
MR. TOMLINSON
Did you tell him to write that?
MRS TOMLINSON
Colin, it's my home! (to the agent) Yes £4.8m is a lot but I did have a Monet hanging over the microwave.
AGENT
A print?
MRS TOMLINSON
An original, Colin's brother is in art you see.
MR. TOMLINSON
(To her) He pressure hoses graffiti!
MRS TOMLINSON
… not to mention my jewels, furs and the Michelangelo frieze they wrecked. There's your £4.8m.
MR. TOMLINSON
(To her incredulously) What …?
MRS TOMLINSON
Colin!!! (low) Do I have to remind you what your precious folks did to my home? Am I not entitled …
AGENT
(Interrupting their aside) So you had several works of art and a quantity of precious stones in the house?
MRS TOMLINSON
Yes. Oh and did I mention the trunk full of cash someone made off with?
AGENT
(Ignoring that statement) And have you proof of the damage?
MRS TOMLINSON
Well there's the thing you see … they were all fire, err, damaged, so I put them all out for the bins, I just couldn't bear looking at them any more.
AGENT
(Incredulously) Right. Shall I tell you what I think? I think that your policy states, and I quote '…these payment conditions being rendered null and void by force majeure, force masseur and/or internet advertised pensioner petting party'. I think you'll get nothing, good day.
MRS TOMLINSON
Wha … wha … Colin, say something!
MR. TOMLINSON
(To the agent) I don't think there was a lot of 'petting' going on.
AGENT
(Ignoring him) Maybe you'll have better luck with getting money out of Playboy!
MRS TOMLINSON
Thanks for nothing. Come on Colin.
SOUND OF THEM LEAVING THE OFFICE. THE AGENT SHOUTS TO MRS TOMLINSON AS THEY LEAVE:
AGENT
Just out of interest, what's your webcam address? You know – for the paperwork?
MRS TOMLINSON
Bye then!
END
