I need Critiquiening... Critiquing... er, help.

Short opening scene, not much to read. Any good so far?

Shot opens following a group of obviously restless teenagers in uniform, lining up to get into the theater for Mass. A teacher shushes for quiet, on which the teenagers hardly obey.

Switches to a shot of teenagers entering a school theater, decked out with lots of Catholic related junk. A giant crucifix is next to the open door, on which the teenagers entering genuflect.

ANTHONY bashes his fist against his chest twice and then gives Jesus the peace sign, as his way of genuflecting. A HELEN follows, showing a bit of annoyance at the disrespect, then continuing in.

ANTHONY, DOUGLAS, HEATHER, HELEN and BELLA sit in a row of seats, and start to shuffle around in boredom. PRIEST walks up to the tabernacle, and starts to bless the bread. ANTHONY bounces a small rubber ball on the floor, with HELEN glaring at him with every bounce.

HELEN
(Hissing to ANTHONY)
Do you have to do that? Be respectful.

ANTHONY
(Ignoring HELEN, talking to DOUG)
Hey, Doug, how much would you give me if I got this into the wine?

DOUG
A quid?

ANTHONY
(Still bouncing the ball)
Only a quid? You make a hundred times that on the streets.

DOUG
(Slightly hysterically)
Can you please stop implying I'm a rent boy? That's the forth time today.

ANTHONY
Then stop being one.

(ANTHONY sticks out his tounge in a childish manner)

BELLA
(To Anthony)
I bet you don't have the balls to do it.

ANTHONY
(Stops bouncing)
Don't have the balls? Please, women, I have three.

ANTHONY throws the ball which lands with a satisfying plop in the goblet of wine. ANTHONY celebrates with a hand gesture, alongside BELLA. HEATHER slaps ANTHONY around the head.

ANTHONY
Ow! What did I do?

HEATHER
Someone's got to drink that!

ANTHONY
Not us. If we got given alcohol I might enjoy this school a little more.

HEATHER
No, we don't. But the priest does.

BELLA
Ant you idiot!

ANTHONY
(Defensively)
Hey! I didn't know, OK? I'm usually asleep by this bit. What's the worst that could happen?

PRIEST blesses the wine and then takes a deep gulp. He starts to choke.

RANDOM NUN
Look! He is being touched by the Holy Spirit!

DOUG
It's not Jesus, he's choking!

DOUG jumps up and does the Heimlich on PRIEST. The bouncing ball shoots of his mouth and cracks a window on the other side of the theatre. ANT walks over to the window while everyone tends with concern to PRIEST.

ANTHONY
(Yelling through the smashed window)
Hey! Little help?

Any good?

Well it's a good opening scene. It's all going to depend on how you develop it from here. If that's all you've got so far, I might sit back now and think about who these people are and where they are going and why. On the other hand, you could just keep at it for awhile and see where it leads you!

If you're having fun (and I assume you are...) then that's a good start!

Thanks. I've actually written 1/2 a book with the same characters and plot, but I'm trying to adapt it.

Just wanted to see if that was a good opening.

Quote: Treenifer @ August 5, 2007, 2:59 PM

Thanks. I've actually written 1/2 a book with the same characters and plot, but I'm trying to adapt it.

Just wanted to see if that was a good opening.

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Don't they say that your opening scene should be just before the main 'happening' takes place?

Like just before the shark kills it's first victim (assuming you're writing 'Jaws', if you see what I mean...)

Fx

It's okay so far. Hard to judge a such a short piece. Do you know what's going to happen next or are you still figuring everything out at the moment?

Quote: Frankie Rage @ August 5, 2007, 3:50 PM

Don't they say that your opening scene should be just before the main 'happening' takes place?

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Indeedy. Just the origional beginning wasn't very adaptable-to-tv-ish. Most of the plot's been done already.

Quote: earman2009 @ August 5, 2007, 4:35 PM

It's okay so far. Hard to judge a such a short piece. Do you know what's going to happen next or are you still figuring everything out at the moment?

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The plot is very lame, and I can only say that since I'm only co-creator . I think the whole thing is dire, some kind of superhero weirdness, but hey! Got a month off 'till school re-starts and it kills the time until I get my GCSE results.

Quote: Treenifer @ August 5, 2007, 11:11 PM

The plot is very lame, and I can only say that since I'm only co-creator . I think the whole thing is dire, some kind of superhero weirdness, but hey! Got a month off 'till school re-starts and it kills the time until I get my GCSE results.

View original

Sounds Great!!

Post some more so we hae a better idea of what the scripts pluses and minuses are.

A good start. Didn't quite get the punchline and you need to check your spelling. I like though.