Morrace McNorrace – A South Bank Show Special
Please cue music... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_pR1sHHeQU
Then read this in your best Melvyn Bragg voice...
Morrace McNorrace successfully kept himself under the radar for several years sharpening his rapier wit and 'to the point' put downs to his heart's discontent. Until that is, he made the near fatal error of sexually harassing a troll, masquerading under the name of Jane P, who took exception to the following comment:
"Each time I've read Jane P's thread, I've seen the potential for... an orgy."
To him this was an amusing Wilde-esque post and the kind of thing he would effortlessly throw out on a daily basis, without a second thought to the misery, sexual unease and/ or tattered egos he might leave in his wake. But on this occasion he had messed with the wrong troll and it was to lead to one of the highest profile, libel claims in comedy history (second only to that double act arguing over who said it first: 'to you' 'to me' 'to you' 'to me').
To make matters worse this escalated into a criminal case when he lost his cool and launched into a foul verbal attack on an official who happened to raise his eyebrows upon overhearing Morrace's favourite sitcom choice:
"Last of The Summer Wine, IS absolutely HILARIOUS! If you don't agree... I'll sit on your face ...you c**k-suckin, mutha-f**kin' botty bwa!"
While he waits behind bars for sentencing we explore the life of this strange green hued alien who divided a nation. For some he's a cult figure ahead of his time – for others he's a blight on their comedy writing career who just doesn't get their sense of humour. As one anonymous BSGer shouted from the gallery last week: 'The joke's on you now MORRACE. The joke's on you.' before he was escorted sobbing from the courtrooms.
So where do we begin? A sickly child, born in the slums of the Hollywood Hills, he grew up on a diet of discarded Happy Meals and shattered illusions. But this was never to break his spirit, or his dream to one day be:
"NAKED ON A BED UNDER A TEAM OF NAKED RUGBY PLAYERS"
He also hoped to be a proper writer at some point. Of the two we still don't know which is more likely.
He chose not to speak for the first 7 years of his life – quietly taking in all that happened around him without any outward sign of emotion. His parents actually believed he was mute until he shocked them one day with these words, in response to an uninspiring supper selection:
"What a totally predictable QUICHE. Are you a professional MOTHER?"
Family relations were strained from that day forward and after living with his folks for a further 20 years, biting down the bile and resentment which grew inside him day by day, Morrace finally married his child sweetheart Nerys. In a touching toast she said "Morrace may be a bit weird looking with his creepy eyes and bony fingers but he's my soulmate and when I'm with him I feel like the only person in the room. Morrace you complete me. YOU COMPLETE ME!"
As the guests wiped away a tear Morrace replied, with a mouth full of tictacs,:
"I'll f**k anything with a pulse"
After an awkward silence the festivities kicked in with a buffet spread from Lidl and an S Club 7 tribute band, his favourite band of all time in fact. He pretends to like cool stuff but, as recently revealed by his disgruntled neighbours, he always starts the day with an out of tune rendition of 'Reach for the Stars' as he prepares his bony frame for the day's disappointments that no doubt lay ahead for him.
With Nerys at school all day, no real friends to speak of and desperate for fame he took to hanging around the Big Brother house, posing as an agent, in an attempt to ingratiate himself with the contestants and get into the 'spotted' column of several newspapers. This culminated in former housemate 'Bubble' becoming best man at his second wedding. Again it was a marriage to Nerys McNorris, but this time it was legal as she had now turned 16.
Amazingly, to the outside world at least, he remains married to her today. And this despite Nerys reportedly being 'in bits' after overhearing a conversation between Morrace and SootyJ following one of their infamous 'fishing trips':
"It's not that I mind playing the girl, SootyJ - it's the fact that you use fat from the frying pan instead of KY."
When the intense physical side of their relationship finally cooled, SootyJ introduced him to what was to become his spiritual home - the British Sitcom Guide Forum - where you are now never more than 10 posts away from a Morrace-ism. He was welcomed in immediately by fellow wagster Marc P:
"Cracking first post Morrace! Looking forward to hearing more from you."
And hear more him we certainly did...
Few members have escaped his biting comments. (Ironically if Morrace were here today he would no doubt tamper with that last line to provide some unintended inuendo, but for a brief period at least we are free from his filthy inferences).
In one of his kinder appraisals he once said:
"All these pathetic wannabees obviously need psychiatric help. Their mothers probably didn't (or don't) breast-feed them, or give them enough attention. It's plain to see that their utterly compulsive, crude attempts at comedy writing is the result of failed relationships or multi rejections of some kind. Absolutely pathetic."
Luckily the writers of the Peep Show ignored his advice and their show went on to do quite well – but they never fully regained their confidence after this attack (which in reality was probably directed at himself, if only he would realise it).
But, to give him his dues, he did master the art of the pun. Who could forget these classics?:
"As for Shakespeare - he would go from A to B - or not to B."
"That makes you an ambiance chaser."
If only all his posts were as sweet.
Instead , towards the end of his time on BSG , they became ever more nonsensical. Most people politely avoided him like the nutter on the bus with comments like:
"the less gags written into the final draft, the more they are likely to be laughed at by a spartan predator with a drug induced hippie stare"
"Hiya Sam. Your penis is beneficial ... only if your lollipop's up it. " ??
A team of psychiatrists have been working flat out but still can't make their minds up about him.
And so to today, separated from his three loves, Nerys, SootyJ and his laptop, he has no real contact with the outside world and is forced to write critiques of his fellow inmates' banter on the toilet walls. This is not working out as well for him as he'd hoped.
When an early tape of this programme was leaked and shown to Morrace by the only showbiz friend he has left, Robbie Williams, he saw for the first time the anguish he had caused Jane P and how she hoped he would be locked up for a long time until he learned how to be nice to people. 'Surely if we could all drop our defences and love each other more, irrespective of race, gender or comedic abilities, the world would be a better place' she said. Shamed by such a coherent and insightful plea he responded, with a mouthful of Maltesers:
"I basically agree with Jane, Rob."
By owning up to his mistakes and offering Jane P a full, unreserved apology and a lifetime supply of Star Bars he will probably get his sentence down to a paltry two years.
While some rejoice and look forward to posting their worst sketches ever without fear of reprisal, others mourn and send tributes to a troubled alien genius. Here are some taken at random from the "Free the Morrace One" website:
Graham Bandage: "I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I can't read a
Morrace post without hearing Kenneth Williams's voice in my head."
BigFella: "For the devil sends Morrace with wrath, because he knows that time is short - and there is comedy to write!"
And we'll leave the final quote to Morrace himself, talking, as he often did, in the third person with a mouthful of bonbons:
"You gotta 'ave a larf, incha! Gawd bless yer, Morrace!!"
Cue reflective music as we flash up our favourite Morrace's posts, and start the trailer for next weeks show.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFiXYgH5GVQ
-o-
See you next time when we investigate whether people who spend hours reading every post made by someone on a forum in retaliation to a funny, clever post by said person and going on and on and on and on because they couldn't come up with a snappy comeback should be applauded or asked to leave quietly.
*** (to be read extremely quickly by a posh woman) All quotes are genuine. Full details available on request. However, some have been shortened and / or joined up for entertainment purposes. If any offence has been caused it should be noted that JaneP is a fictional character who cannot be held responsible for her actions.
THE END
