Shoes Off.

I thought I'd put this out there for feedback for a few reasons. I give feedback on others and it seems only fair to allow reciprocation. Also I am unsure if this works and if it does how to end it. See if you think if any from the choices work. I realise this is not gag lead, I'm trying to concentrate on social awkwardness and mores. This may make it a total non starter but you guys can be the judge of that. I would hope the pace would rattle along fairly quickly.

SHOES OFF
INT. LIVING ROOM. - EVENING
2 couples sit. Dawn and Eddie the hosts and Emma and Jake. Bell rings. Dawn and Eddie go together and answer. It's Martin and Kerry.

EDDIE Hey, hey!

DAWN Hi guys.

KERRY Hi, sorry we're a little late, we were waiting for the sitter.

MARTIN Youngsters living up to the stereotype, always late eh!

EDDIE Ah, no problem, Emma and Jake have only just got here, great to see you both.
(Emma and Jake wave and greet as do Martin and Kerry)

DAWN Come on in then, here let me take your coats.

MARTIN This is for you (Proffers a bottle of wine)

DAWN Oh, thanks Mart., that's lovely.

MARTIN So…

(Eddie cuts him off as he makes to move into seated area)

EDDIE Sorry Mart, Kes, could you just slip off your shoes, the old cream carpet, you know how it is!

KERRY Oh erm, OK, yeah sure. (Kicks off her shoes)

DAWN Thanks Kes, I'll just pop them over here with the others, sorry to be such a fuss.

KERRY Don't be silly.

(Martin remains standing a little awkwardly.)

DAWN Mart?

MARTIN Erm, you know what, if you don't mind I think I'll just keep mine on, I don't wanna be a pain but I can assure you they're squeaky clean, there you go, ha, ha! (Lifts up his boots showing his soles)

DAWN Oh come on, don't be silly, you're amongst friends here Martin. It's just a little house rule.

JAKE Come on Mart, they've already smelt mine and they can't be that bad, don't worry mate!

MARTIN Erm, you know what I really don't wanna cause a scene but I think I'll keep them on, these boots are a real pain to get off and I haven't got any socks on.

KERRY They really are an effort to get off, I do tell him not to wear them.

EDDIE Come on guys, this is getting a bit stupid, sit down big man, I'll help you get 'em off.

MARTIN No, I'm good, there'll be no mess, scouts honour eh?

KERRY For God's sake Martin, what's wrong with you?

EDDIE Just take the f**king boots off Martin, this is ridiculous.

MARTIN I just don't want to.

DAWN TAKE THEM OFF YOU TWAT!!

4 possible endings here.

1 He begrudgingly takes off his boots and has devil like hooves. There is then a hugely awkward silence:
MARTIN: You had to push it didn't you.

2. The situation escalates into a full blown slow motion violent brawl between everyone with household objects being used.

3. The scene is shorter and he begrudgingly takes them off displaying a large hole in his sock exposing the big toe and just sits down seething inwardly as they all look at the toe in disgust and silence. This option continues into a second sketch where M&K are hosting and they force E&D to change into Kimonos and Japanese style socks and slippers. (Not sure about this!)

4. He takes them off and the camera close ups on stubby penises at the end of his feet instead of toes:
EDDIE Oh God, I'm so sorry Martin. You....you. Just never said anything.

DAWN How long have you had cock toes? (Martin and Kerry hang their heads)

Ending 1 for me.

I like that, and there is no contest, Its ending 1

THX chaps, that was the first I thought of of the 4. I still can't decide between that and 4.

That's really good nice build up and believable dialogue.
Good naturalistic character centred comedy.

I'd go for 1, but then I'd have him be a double amputee the boots being part of his legs.

By the way cool avatar I love El Borbo.

Number 3. A lot of people can identify with that.

Sooty, that's so extreme....and very funny, I'm actually quietly rocking at the keyboard, nice one and thanks so much for feedback guys, it's really important for me on this one as I was genuinely unsure about things. Thanks for the props on the Avatar also, I'm a massive fan of Charles Burns' Art particularly the Goon Squad.

http://members.optusnet.com.au/stylofone/burns/cardindex.html

I like it. Ending 1 best for me, but I think no. 3 could work really well if the rest of them are very over-the-top in their disgust.

Ending 4 for me.

I think I would go for the more believable option 3, only I would change the Kimonos and japanese style socks to something a bit more peculiar that they may have lying around? and they come up with some ridiculous excuse for everyone 'needing' to wear them.

I really like this.

Ending 1 for me. No contest.

Big thanks again, to be honest I'm still torn and will make a decision over time. I'm gonna try and collate a larger bunch of sketches I have and send them....somewhere...God knows where! I'll let my indecision continue but can now be guided by all your useful comments and suggestions (which are all really great, (CraigH, you've given me more food for thought, thx).

Quote: Lord Summerisle @ April 23 2009, 1:27 PM BST

Big thanks again, to be honest I'm still torn and will make a decision over time. I'm gonna try and collate a larger bunch of sketches I have and send them....somewhere...God knows where! I'll let my indecision continue but can now be guided by all your useful comments and suggestions (which are all really great, (CraigH, you've given me more food for thought, thx).

View original

how about in another scene...... an awkward game of twister

Quote: Craig H @ April 23 2009, 1:57 PM BST

how about in another scene...... an awkward game of twister

View original

Possibly, another source of horrible social awkwardness. Maybe in the final analysis I could do a short set on social mores and awkrd situations, expanding on this. Right, I am very happy with all this food for thought better stop showing my eagerness though as it looks like I'm bumping all the time!