My edit of the joint sketch thing

Here's my edit which was the first to the original. I was quite baffled with what to do with it to be honest, because I was told it was a sitcom scene with no idea of who the characters were or what was supposed to be going on, and also something that seemed to end so abruptly that I assume it wasn't completed. So here you will see my attempt at turning this into a sketch. I didn't really put too much effort into it since I didn't expect much of it to remain after the others had had their turns with it.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

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A MAN IN A SUIT (GERALD) SITS IN A LARGE PLUSH LOOKING OFFICE WITH HIS FEET UP ON HIS DESK. THE PHONE ON HIS DESK RINGS. HE HAS A BLUETOOTH HEADSET ON, HE TAKES OUT HIS MOBILE PHONE AND DIALS NUMBER ONE ON HIS SPEED DIAL. IT FLASHES UP "CALLING OFFICE 1". WE HEAR A PHONE RINGING FROM ANOTHER OFFICE.

CUT TO: A WOMAN (TANNY) SITTING ON A KITCHEN STOOL, IN A DULL, COLD LOOKING OFFICE WITH NO WALLPAPER, CARPETS OR ACCESSORIES. THERE IS NO SPACE ON HER DESK, IT'S FILLED WITH OFFICE EQUIPMENT, A PACKET OF BISCUITS & THREE COFFEE CUPS. A FAN IS GOING LIKE THE CLAPPER. THE BUTTONS ON THE PHONE ARE LABELLED "OFFICE 1", "OFFICE 2", "OFFICE 3", "GERALD" & "JAMES".

TANNY PICKS UP THE PHONE

GERALD (telecom)
(unenthusiastic)
Can you get that?

TANNY
(sharp)
Sure

TANNY HANGS UP AND CLICKS BUTTON 4 "GERALD"

TANNY
Good morning, Gerald & James, Gerald's office, Tanya speaking, how can I help you?......oh James, yep, hold on I'll go get him.

TANNY STANDS UP, WALKS OVER TO A CLOSED OFFICE DOOR AND PRESSES A TELECOM BUZZER

GERALD (through the telecom)
(annoyed)
Yes?

TANNY (into the telecom)
It's for you

GERALD (through the telecom)
Who is it?

TANNY (into the telecom)
James

GERALD (through telecom)
(patronisingly)
Jaaaaames??

TANNY (into telecom)
(trying desperately hard not to get angry)
James.....James, your business partner

GERALD (through telecom)
Oh not that James. Not arse lick James

TANNY(telecom)
It sounded quite urgent

GERALD(telecom)
Probably wants to give my arse a good licking

TANNY(telecom)
Don't you think you should have more respect for your business partner?

GERALD(telecom)
Tell him I don't want my arse licking

TANNY(telecom)
What?

GERALD(telecom)
Tell him I don't want my arse licking. Tell him. I want to hear your say it

TANNY(telecom)
Seriously?

GERALD(telecom)
Now damn it! This is important!

TANNY PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE TO PUT IT INTO CONFERENCE MODE

TANNY
J-James?

JAMES(phone)
Yes? Is Gerald on now?

TANNY
No. He said he doesn't want (telecom)Do you really want me to say this to him??

GERALD(telecom)
Do it now!

TANNY
James. Gerald said that he doesn't want his arse licking

PAUSE

JAMES(phone)
Can he hear me?

GERALD(telecom)
Yeah I can hear you, you big arse muncher!

JAMES(phone)
You said you wouldn't bring that up you prick!

GERALD(telecom, laughing)
Sorry mate, but that was so f**king funny. You were well wankered!

JAMES(phone, laughing)
Mate, don't even go there. I woke up in the brothel with f**king arse hair in my mouth!

GERALD(telecom, laughing)
Ha! That's f**ked up mate! Best stag do ever!

JAMES(telecom, laughing)
Yeah mate. Anyway, catch you later yeah. We'll hit the clubs tonight, get some pussy

GERALD(telecom)
Sounds like a plan. See you later you c**t

JAMES(phone)
F**k off!

JAMES HANGS UP

TANNY(very annoyed)
What the f**k was that?

GERALD(telecom)
Hey! We don't use language like that in the workplace. You ever heard of professionalism?? There could be children walking around or anything!

For my edit: as above with a few words changed.

It felt to me that it was an extract from someone's sitcom rather than a sketch (now realise this was indeed the case) - the desk piled high with papers was irrelevant to this scene really. Also, felt the punch didn't quite fit for me given James and Gerald had been swearing beforehand far worse than Tanny.

Found it very difficult to think up something to add (and by the time I got online thought there was time pressure to pass it on soon). The style/content wasn't to my usual style, but it's not usually a problem to come up with a few lines to add / switch things around.

The dialogue read well, and there was a punchline, but I wasn't sure I really "got" it as a standalone and couldn't think of anything I could add that would keep the initial idea intact but not clutter or ruin the scene or characters.

Perhaps the problem was the conversation was fairly complete and had one theme - some gross conversation - so didn't feel I could take it anywhere.

In short, whether I was in too much of a rush to pass it on, just was an uninspired mood, or the premise didn't lend itself well to a sketch, I don't know.

Quote: Rob0 @ April 23 2009, 12:05 AM BST

Also, felt the punch didn't quite fit for me given James and Gerald had been swearing beforehand far worse than Tanny.

View original

That's the point. Tis ironic. Probably would have been funnier if Gerald had his kid sat next to him or something like that. Also kind of inspired by the way that people get absorbed into phone conversations and forget what's going on around them. I was walking out of my door before and someone walked past on the phone talking about beastiality

I get what you mean though about it having a lot of bits in there that aren't necessary. The first quarter of this was the original sitcom scene, and I just slapped on the rest to try and make a sketch out of it.

Like I say though, this was a rough version since there were more people to have a go with it after me, so it is a bit messy.

Yeah, I appreciate that, and good to leave some areas rough for others to mould and change.

Changed considerably after, was a surprise to see the later versions.