This one is more a scene from a potential sitcom started by Craig H and added to/ rewritten by:
Chris Forshaw, RobO, JaneP, Ponderer, SwertyD
(I lost the order hence the delay so if any of that is wrong let me know!)
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STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU
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A MAN IN A SUIT AND BLUETOOTH HEADSET (GERALD) SITS IN A PLUSH OFFICE WITH HIS FEET UP ON THE DESK. HIS DESK PHONE IS RINGING. HE WAITS FOR THREE MORE RINGS. HE SIGHS AND TUTS, TAKES OUT HIS MOBILE AND DIALS. WE HEAR THE PHONE RINGING NEXT DOOR.
CUT TO: A WOMAN (TANYA) SITTING IN A SMALL SPARSE OFFICE. THE BUTTONS ON HER PHONE ARE LABELLED "OFFICE 1", "GERALD" & "JAMES".
TANYA PICKS UP THE PHONE
GERALD
(ANNOYED) How long does the phone have to ring before you get it?
TANYA LOOKS UP THROUGH THE OFFICE WINDOW AND STARES AT JAMES. HE IS LOOKING STRAIGHT BACK AT HER.
TANYA
It's on your desk. How was I supposed to know you wanted me to get it?
GERALD
(EXASPERATED) How could you not know? I've sent out three tweets and (POINTS AT COMPUTER) even changed my Facebook status to "waiting for Tanya to answer my phone".
TANYA
I've been busy (HOLDS UP MASSIVE PILE OF PAPERS TO SHOW HIM) doing the work you gave me earlier!
GERALD
Women! I though you were supposed to be able to multi-task.
TANYA
As opposed to your complete inability to single-task?
GERALD
Look -- do I need to come out there and shag some sense into you? (STANDS UP, MIMES SHAGGING IN A RIK MAYALL WAY) Is that what you want? Cos I will lower my standards that far if I have to. (POINTS) *You* appear to have forgotten the meaning of the term "Executive", darling.
TANYA
(HOLDS UP "GUIDE TO WORKING LAW" AND POINTS TO IT) *You* appear to have forgotten the meaning of the term "sexual harrassment". Was the lawyer not clear enough?
TANYA HANGS UP. PHONE RINGS.
TANYA
Good morning, Gerald & Jam......Oh. James.
SHE TURNS TO LOOK THROUGH A SECOND WINDOW. JAMES STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT AT HER.
TANYA
(SIGHS) Yes... I'll put you through.
TANYA BUZZES GERALD ON THE INTERCOM. GERALD IS PULLING FACES AT JAMES THROUGH THE WINDOW. JAMES IS MOCK-PICKING HIS NOSE AND FLICKING IT TOWARDS GERALD. GERALD EVENTUALLY PRESSES THE INTERCOM.
GERALD
(ABRUPT) Yes?
TANYA
It's James.
JAMES IS THROWING V-SIGNS AT GERALD.
GERALD
James who?
GERALD THROWS V-SIGNS BACK AT JAMES
TANYA
James from "Gerald and James". (SIGHS) Your business partner... (POINTS) The man at the *window*!
GERALD
(CHUCKLES -- MOCK OUTRAGE) You mean arse-lick James? (LICKS WINDOW)
TANYA
Will you be taking the call?
GERALD
He probably wants to give my arse a good licking.
GERALD PUTS HIS FISTS TOGETHER AND LICKS UP THE MIDDLE OF THEM THEN POINTS AT JAMES
TANYA
Must we have this every time you two want to talk?
GERALD
Tell him I don't want my arse licking. Go on. I want to hear you say it.
TANYA
(SIGHS AND PRESSES PHONE) James?
JAMES
Where's Gerald?
HE PULLS A FACE AT GERALD.
TANYA
He says he doesn't want his arse licking. (BEAT) Again.
JAMES
Put him on speakerphone. (CLICK) Oi Gezza, you wanker.
JAMES MIMES 'WANKER' AT GERALD. GERALD MIMES 'WANKER' WITH BOTH HANDS BACK AT JAMES.
GERALD
You're the wanker. I'm trying to run our business here – what is it now you tosser?
JAMES
I'm planning another lad's weekend in Bruges.
JAMES GOES CROSS-EYED AND STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE
JAMES (CONT'D)
Are you up for it?
GERALD
Yeah but stay away from the prossies this time you perve. (POINTS) Or at least make sure they're old enough this time!
JAMES
She was street legal dude!
GERALD
In Bankok, maybe!
JAMES
You know what Arsene Wenger says.
GERALD & JAMES (TOGETHER)
If they're good enough, they're old enough!
GERALD AND JAMES ARE IN HYSTERICS. AN EXASPERATED TANYA HANGS UP BOTH PHONES AT ONCE. WE HEAR MUFFLED LAUGHING FROM BOTH OFFICES. HER PHONE RINGS AGAIN.
TANYA
(DOWNBEAT) Gerald and James, children's entertainers. How may I help you?
END