More of the Stonehenge sketchs

Here are a couple more of my original series of about 6 stonehedge based pieces. I was trying my hand at writing sketches that could be regular pieces in a sketch show as opposed to my normal one off topical stuff. The one we used for the joint sketch was the first one.

Stonehenge – Supplies.

A druid with heavy West Country accent and a builder are talking.

Druid : What are you doing?

Builder : We're just having a brew. How's the druidding going?

Druid : Yes fine. But my henge? You've done nothing.

Builder : Well, it's all that stone you insisted on guv.

Druid : What about the stone?

Builder : Did you want a brew by the way guv?

Druid : No. Thank you. You were saying?

Builder : Saying?

Druid : About the stone.

Builder : Oh yeah. Very hard to lay your hands on the sort of quantity we'll need. If you'd had settled for wood no problem, but stone <BEAT> tricky.

Druid : Yes but it's a stone based henge.

Builder : Oh yes I can see your problem guv. But it's simply a question of supply and demand you see.

Druid : Is it?

Builder : Oh yeah, stone is very "in" these days you know. In the all the building trade press they're calling it "The stone age."

Druid : So what are you doing about it.

Builder : Couple of my boys, they've got a little contact in Ireland. If anyone can pick some up, he'll be the man.

Druid : Ireland? How you getting the stone back then?

Builder : Oh yeah good point guv. You're pretty sharp.<BEAT> For a druid.

Druid : So? How's the stone getting here then?

Builder : Buggered if I know. I'll have another brew and think about it guv.

End.

Stonehenge – Health and Safety

A druid with heavy West Country accent and a builder are talking.

Druid : I might have guessed you be sat down on the job again.

Builder : No option guv. We're just having a brew, you want one?

Druid : No. Why do you have no option? I need my Henge in action.

Builder : Health and Safety guv.

Druid : Health and Safety – what are you taking about?

Builder : The inspectors. They raided us, they've shut the whole site down.

Druid : Why?

Builder : All this stone that we're lifting about. Very dangerous I'm told. We don't have things like hard hats, the donkeys don't have sufficient rest periods. I tell you guv, I don't even know what a hat is let alone a hard one.

Druid : So how do we carry on? I mean this is going to be the greatest Stone built Henge in the whole county of Wilshire. Built to stand a hundred years.

Builder : Well, a few months anyway.

Druid : When will be up and running again?

Builder : Difficult to say guv.

Druid: We must be able to do something, I'm the Chief Warlock after all.

Builder : You know what these officials are like. Listen what I'll do is get a bit of Personal Protection Equipment in, you know a few spells and incantations and the like. We'll get it all certificated by a government appointed witch and we should be up and running by the end of the week. <BEAT> You sure you don't want a brew?

Ends

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Stonehenge – Supplies. Very funny. Nice natural dialogue which delivers.

Stonehenge – Health and Safety. I laughed at the title!

This one is almost as good as the first but the punchline - or punch-paragraph is too long. It either needs too be shortened or broken up. I chose to break it up, so that:

Builder: You know what these officials are like. Listen what I'll do is get a bit of Personal Protection Equipment in, you know a few spells and incantations and the like. We'll get it all certificated by a government appointed witch and we should be up and running by the end of the week. <BEAT> You sure you don't want a brew?

becomes:

Builder: Listen, what I'll do is get a bit of Personal Protection Equipment in.

Druid: Hard hats?

Builder: No - hard spells. Incantations, that sort of thing.

Druid: But you're not a Druid.

Builder: We'll get it all approved by a government-appointed witch.

Druid: Jacqui Smith?

Builder: I'm not sure which witch but we'll find one. You sure you don't want a brew?

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Not bad bit of character based comedy.

Thank you both.

I like your edit as always Morrace!

Here is another one

Stonehenge – Design

A druid with heavy West Country accent and a builder are talking.

Builder : Hello there we're just having a quick brew. Fancy one?

Druid : No. Thank you. You got the verticals up then.

Builder : Yeap. Hard bloody work though guv.

Druid : Any chance of the horizontals going on any time soon? Summer solstice isn't far away.

Builder : I've been meaning to ask what do you Druids actually do at these henge things.

Druid : Oh the normal, chant a bit, dress up in flowing robes and deflower innocent young virgins.

Builder : Yeah? These horizontals? Any idea how we're going to get them up there? They're bloody heavy you see guv.

Druid: I thought you were the experts?

Builder : Well yeah we are, I mean we knocked up that one at Avebury no problem guv. This is a bit of different matter though. Is there any chance we could just knock a horizontal up out of wood and paint it to look like stone?

Druid : What's paint?

Builder : A magical substance guv, changes the colour of things. It'll be great for a henge.

Druid : No I don't think so. It's a stone based henge, no wood allowed.

Builder : Well, I'll have to get more Donkeys in.

Druid : How will the donkeys help?

Builder : No idea. But I've never seen a construction job yet that doesn't need a whole lot dumb, stupid animals to do the grunt work.<BEAT>You sure you don't want a brew?
End.

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Nice one, Bigfella. Just goes to show what a good idea the Druid/Builder concept was in the first place. Couldn't resist as ever:

Druid: Oh the normal, chant a bit, dress up in flowing robes and deflower innocent young virgins.

Builder: Yeah, like, get the virgins horizontal and right up 'em with the vertical, eh?

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Quote: Morrace @ April 22 2009, 7:17 PM BST

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Nice one, Bigfella. Just goes to show what a good idea the Druid/Builder concept was in the first place. Couldn't resist as ever:

Druid: Oh the normal, chant a bit, dress up in flowing robes and deflower innocent young virgins.

Builder: Yeah, like, get the virgins horizontal and right up 'em with the vertical, eh?

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View original

Clever

One more then.

Stonehenge – Funding
A druid with heavy West Country accent and a builder are talking.

FX – General Atmos of construction work.

Druid : Nice to see you boys actually putting their backs into it.

Builder : Well my lads are pure diamonds.

Druid : I've got a little problem.

Builder : Whats that then guv?

Druid : The lottery funding for the henge has been cancelled.

Builder : Woh! Cancelled? Boys down your tools.

FX – Sound of mumbling and displeasure and stopping of construction work.

Druid : What you doing?

Builder : We're going to have a brew.<BEAT> And you Chief Warlock fella are going to tell me the story.

Druid : It's just that the lottery grant isn't going through

Builder : Why?

Druid : Apparently a stone henge is not diverse enough in ethnic terms. The religious superstructure would only appeal to the druid population and not to the community at large and as such the funding has to be cancelled.

Builder : So you can't pay me my money?

Druid : I'll come up with something.

Builder : I'm sure you will, after all you don't want us to pull your henge down, do you?

Druid : No, No..I'll get the virgins together I'm sure they'll come up with a good money making scheme. <beat> although we might be short of virgins afterwards.

Builder : Well, send one over - I see what I can get out of her <beat> While I wait, I'll have a brew.

Ends

Love the what's turning out to be a running gag at the end. Write another one, Bigfella.

While I wait, I'll have a brew.

Only one more left after this one.

Stonehenge – Strike

A druid with heavy West Country accent and a builder are talking.

FX – General Atmos of chanting and an angry mob.

Druid : What in the name of the fire God is going on here then?

Builder : We got a wildcat strike on guv.

Druid : A strike?

Builder : You insisted that we get this stone henge of yours up by summer solstice.

Druid : Yes. And?

Builder : I had to get extra workers in, so I got em from Gaul.

Druid : So what?

Builder : My lads got a bit funny about it, anglo jobs for anglo workers and all that. They downed tools.

Druid : Okay fine, get more of the Gaul workers in.

Builder : Well no. You see the Gaul lads refused to work while the anglo lads weren't and they downed tools too. Between you and me the Gaul boys have got a bit of a reputation for it.

Druid : Well you've got to do something. This henge needs to get finished.

Builder : Okay, I'll try to speak to them. Lads, lads, garcon, garcon.

FX – General Atmos calms down a little.

Builder : Come on boys let's put down the placards and get on with the job eh?

FX-General Atmos picks up and gets angrier.

Builder : Come On chaps. Why don't we all sit down and have a chat.

FX- General murmurs of agreement.

Builder : And while we do, we'll have a brew.

FX – Loud noises of agreement.

Ends

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Nice one - not as good as the others though, 'cos the ending is weak.

Alternative - still keeping the running gag:

Builder: Come On chaps. Why don't we all sit down and have a chat.

FX- General murmurs of agreement.

Builder: And while we do ----

BUILDER QUICKLY HOLDS UP A PLACARD WHICH READS 'we'll have a brew!'

FX – Loud noises of agreement.

Quote: Morrace @ April 22 2009, 9:28 PM BST

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Nice one - not as good as the others though, 'cos the ending is weak.

Alternative - still keeping the running gag:

Builder: Come On chaps. Why don't we all sit down and have a chat.

FX- General murmurs of agreement.

Builder: And while we do ----

BUILDER QUICKLY HOLDS UP A PLACARD WHICH READS 'we'll have a brew!'

FX – Loud noises of agreement.

View original

Yes!!!

Last one then. Not overly happy with the ending.

Stonehenge – Final

A druid with heavy West Country accent and a builder are talking.

Builder: There you go Mister Chief Warlock fella. One large Stone Henge completed to your exact specifications.

Druid: It looks magnificent.

Builder: You can deflower many a young virgin in there Guv.

Druid: Aye.

Builder: Well, were going to have a bit of a brew to celebrate. Do you fancy one?

Druid: You know I think I will.

Builder: We'll make a builder of you yet guv.

Druid : Tell me what is this fabled brew of yours?

Builder: Well ideally I'd like a delicious blend of oriental leaves, picked in big baskets by young maidens in China.

Druid: That does sound lovely, but maybe you could add the excretions of lactating female bullocks?

Builder: Good idea. It could be the drink that builds a nation.

Druid: It could be advertised to people on a magic box by cheeky monkeys dropping musical instruments.

Builder: this is the stone age though so our brew isn't that.

Druid: So? What is your brew?

Builder: It's bloody water guv - Its not even hot<beat> fires not been invented yet.

It's got a lot of promise as a running sketch.
Enjoyable stuff

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Agree about the ending, Bigfella. Give this a go:
________________________________________________________________________________

Stonehenge – Final

A DRUID WITH HEAVY WEST COUNTRY ACCENT AND A BUILDER ARE TALKING.

Builder: There we are, Mr Warlock - one Stone Henge completed to your exact specifications.

Druid: Magnificent.

Builder: You can un-henge a few virgins in there, Guv.

Druid: Aye.

Builder: A bit of a brew to celebrate, eh?

Druid: And why not! What is this fabled brew of yours?

Builder: A delicious blend of oriental leaves, picked in big baskets by young Chinese maidens.

Druid: Mmmm ... Topped with lactating juices of female bullocks?

Builder: Ah yes, The drink to build a nation.

Druid: (ON A ROLL) Advertised on a magic box by cheeky monkeys dropping musical instruments.

Builder: We're Stone-agers remember? That's not our brew.

Druid: So what is?

Builder: Water.

Druid: (PUZZLED) Just ... water? Not even hot?

Builder: Oh, I can heat it up though.

Druid: Sounds good.

Builder: Now while I'm thinking how to invent fire - fancy a brew?

________________________________________________________________________________

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I really enjoyed this whole concept and loved the naturalistic feel between the two main protagonists. Stuff like this was lovely:

Builder : Hello there we're just having a quick brew. Fancy one?

Druid : No. Thank you. You got the verticals up then.

I think they could be merged into 3 or 4 strong ones, taking the best dialogue and the strongest pay offs and maybe losing what you consider any weaker and more extraneous stuff (if any of course).

I don't know how much of the actual Stonehenge you're gonna be showing if any, but if throughout you only showed a few of the large stones behind the pair of them as they chat then I had this thought for a final closing sketch. Forgive me if this is too obtrusive, I've never suggested anything before so ignore if it's a load of bollocks!

The two of them chat and the druid beams as he looks at what we assume is his dream come real off screen. Goes something like this:

DRUID: It's bloody amazing, to be honest I was starting to worry that you'd never finish.

BUILDER: Oh no, we always get the job done.

DRUID: Well, you've earnt your brew!

BUILDER: S'very kind of you, now about the money.

DRUID: Ah, the money.

BUILDER: Payment...

DRUID: Payment...yes

BUILDER: Yes, Groats,Shiny things,Precious stones even..I think you know quite clearly what I'm getting at.

DRUID: Yes, well I was going to get to that, there is a small problem.

BUILDER: You haven't got it have you?

DRUID: Well, not technically,not at this moment anyway..there was a bit of an overspend on the Summer Solstice...

BUILDER: Right you are, lads, knock it down!

DRUID: NO! NO! Stop...

We hard crashing and thundering and we cut to a cloud of rubble smoke as the Druid looks at the present day Stonehenge head in hands.

DRUID: Bollocks. Ruined, ruined, no ones gonna know what the f**k that was meant to be.

Shakes head and walks away.

Thanks for everyone's comments and edits, rewrites and their own versions. Very useful!

It's interesting, I didn't post these when I did them, I wasn't sure if they worked. Although they needed a bit of work it seemed the idea was pretty good - This is my first attempt at a character type thing, that can last a whole series. So I'm quite pleased.

So I think I'm going to go and have a brew!

I wrote quite a decent reply to this but my post never showed?

Anyway, bigfella...you don't half take an idea and run with it...alot.

I got the very first edition (for the joint sketch) and I just couldn't get into it, so I passed it on. These latest editions are brilliant though.

I love the Funding one but my favourite is Design. The part where the Druid talks about deflowering the virgins is so natural, it's brilliant. The donkey work, clever and funny.

Craig