Group Sketch No. 3 - Stonehenge

Written by:

Big fella - Tom G - SootyJ - Timbo - Fred Sunshine - Darren Pomroy - Balf

EXT. SALISBURY PLAIN

ED HALL, PRESENTER OF TO BUY OR NOT TO BUY IS TALKING TO CAMERA.

ED
Our young couple of Druids from Anglesey have yet to find their perfect religious structure dedicated to the worship of the sun, with meanings on a variety of different spiritual levels. With one more property to look at we're running out of options.

2. EXT. STONEHENGE

ED IS JOINED BY TWO DRUIDS.

ED
So this is Stonehenge. What do you think? it's 500 years old dating back to 3000BC d so it's quite a modern build.

DRUID 2 (pulls back hood to reveal Kirsty Allsop)
Well it's definitely bigger than our place of worship in the city. I'm not sure about those bluestones though they are a bit last millennium

ED
If you wanted to rip out the Bluestones you could arrange them inside some Sarsens or something, give the place a Zeitgeisty Bronze age feel.

DRUID 1(pulls back hood to reveal Grand Design's Kevin McCloud)
The property does have a lot of character, Are the portal stones solstice facing ?

ED
Absolutely. That's the beauty of this location with these wide open skies you will be able to enjoy the full effect of the setting sun as you slit your victims' throats. Don't get that in your modern closed altars. I'll tell you, once the Christians start destroying your way of life, the value of these stones will rocket.

DRUID 2
Yes that does sound nice, Do you think we would be able to get planning permission to install trilithons?

ED
All you need to do is strike the planning officer on the head with a blunt instrument, and throw him into a bog to drown.

DRUID 1
There's so much red tape these days. But I suppose that'll help, tie him up, stop him struggling.

DRUID 2

Is that really necessary? My bludgeoning hand's still not right after that party at Swinside.

ED
(SHRUGS) It's a Grade One Listed Building.

DRUID 2
I really like it.

ED
There is just one thing. The site does get a lot of New Age Travellers.

DRUIDS (TOGETHER}
Forget it!

This one wins round 2 for me. Some nice touches, not too long, and a decent punch at the end. But I couldn't really understand why you needed to bring Kirsty Allsop and Kevin McLoud into it. Wouldn't it be better if they were simply an anonymous druid couple looking for a nice place? It seems overcomplicated having the additional TV presenters when you've already established a nice "To Buy or Not to Buy" spoof.

This is part of some competition?

I thought this was a wasted set up with only one funny line. This one:

ED
All you need to do is strike the planning officer on the head with a blunt instrument, and throw him into a bog to drown.

Whoever wrote that - nice one.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ April 22 2009, 1:11 AM BST

This is part of some competition?

View original

Hi Godot

I didn't set it up as a competition this time - we just ended up with lots of people interested again so we had enough writers for two.

I saw the original version of this which I thought had potential, around the idea of trying to sell stonehenge but in the modern way. I enjoyed this final version but I also read one along the way from Sooty which I thought was very good too and complete in itself. That was early on so it's understandable it changed a lot after and was after all the nature of the whole idea.

If it was a competition I'd have picked Stonehenge as the winner!

Well done team.

Jx

Sootyj never gives half measures.

Quote: sootyj @ April 22 2009, 7:01 AM BST

Sootyj never gives half measures.

View original

It's interesting the way things develop. This was the original sketch!

Well, we kept Stonehenge and a druid ( sort of )

This was a first of about 6 sketches I wrote regarding the druid wanting his "henge" built in time for summer solistice, but the builder was always wanting to drink tea. It's wasn't blinding hence why I put it up for the team.

Stonehenge – No1

A druid with heavy West Country accent and a builder are talking.

Builder : What's it for then guv?

Druid : It's a highly religious structure dedicated to the sun gods with meanings on a variety of spiritual different levels.

Builder : Really? I don't do religion myself? So what you calling it then guv?

Druid : A henge.

Builder : A henge?

Druid : Aye

Builder : Funny name for a religious building, You into this religion stuff then fella?

Druid : Indeed sir, I am the Chief Warlock of the Wiltshire branch of the Druid Fellowship.

Builder : Oh I see a fundamentalist. So your henge? It's all to be made in Stone is that right?

Druid : Aye.

Builder : It'll cost ya. Stone ain't the price it used to be

Druid : We need it by the summer solstice.

Builder : Oh dear. Extra labour need then. It'll cost ya.

Druid : Can you do it?

Builder : Yeah. We'll give it a bash, but....

Druid : It'll cost me?

Builder : You're catching on squire. <BEAT> Any chance of a brew?

Yeah, this one's the better of the two. It's more solid.

Agree with Badge re: no need for Kirsty and Kevin. The setting sun/throats line was funny for me, anyway!

I think the final sketch is more polished than the original (no offence, bigfella!) which has a good premise, but has evolved quite nicely.

Dan

Builder : So what do you want exactly then guv?
Druid : Ooh a nice 2 floor Tuscan home, like we saw on that KJirsty Allsop cave painting the other night,
Builder: You sure? People look at a cave painting these days and it's all underfloor heating this and we don't want to shit on the floors that. Bet you want a roof.
Druid: Well err yes it'd be nice keep the rain out and erm keep the heat in the summer and.....
Builder : Here that Keith he wants a roof! Yeh a roof like some kind of film star if some one would hurry up and invent films and a film inidustry.
Druid: Fine what would you reccomend then?
Builder: Well there's your classic English collection of giant stone T shapes very nice for drying your rags on. With a big open space in the middle for human sacrifices.
Druid: Ooh that would be convenient and we could stand under the tees if it rained, like having a roof but not having a roof how modern. It's positivley Roman.
BUILDER excelent now heating?
DRUID Ooh that's going to be expensve isn't it.
BUILDER Yeh but chief nothing ruins a naked midwinter pagan orgy than chillblains
DRUID Thtas true, we can't afford that fnacy underfloor heating tough.
BUILDER I was thinking about Christians.
DRUID They build central heating
BUILDER Nah you burn them very fashionable in Rome these days.

The Sootyj version.

Quote: swerytd @ April 22 2009, 9:05 AM BST

I think the final sketch is more polished than the original (no offence, bigfella!) which has a good premise, but has evolved quite nicely.

Dan

View original

Yeapthat's why it was put forward, it needed a good buffing.

.
I thought that this was a great idea which is funny in itself. Looking at Tom G's original (https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/12680) which was very funny, I postponed spring cleaning and came up with this:
________________________________________________________________________________

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. DAY

A ROBED DRUID AND A BUILDER ARE SITTING ON A WALL.

Builder: So what sort of building you want, guv?

Druid: A highly religious structure dedicated to the Sun Gods with meanings on different spiritual levels.

Builder: Spirit levels? We got plenty of them.

Druid: We want people to travel the world, swim the deepest valleys and climb the highest mountains just to come and wallow in its beauty.

Builder: Like gap-year students.

Druid: Well, everyone actually.

Builder: What sort of structure are we looking at?

Druid: (POINTEDLY)We are Druids.

Builder: What's a Druid?

Druid: Exactly. Those Christians have got churches everywhere.

Builder: I'm a Christian. All I've got is a semi-detached.

Druid: I meant Christian organisations. They have places of worship all over the world.

Builder: I see.

Druid: We Druids have none.

Builder: So we're looking at a prototype then.

Druid: Precisely. We want the structure itself to be made of the highest quality Gold.

Builder: (HOLDS UP HIS HANDS) Woooooo, gold's gonna cost yer.

Druid: Problem is, no one supports Druids like they do Christians.

Builder: A bit like Torquay and Man U, like.

Druid: Exactly. Do you have anything other than gold?

Builder: Stone?

Druid: As long as we can have marble ceilings and floors.

Builder: Marble. Expensive. I'll have to place an order

Druid: (SHOUTS) For crying out loud! Nobody comes to our Sunday coffee mornings any more (CRESCENDO) - because they're too busy (PUTS ON CHILDISH VOICE) worshipping God! (SUDDENLY CALM) So what do you suggest?

Builder: Have an open roof. Let the sun in.

Druid: Ah yes – Let the Sun God in. Good thinking!

Builder: I do my best, guv.

Druid: Jewel encrusted doors?

Builder: Ooooh, you're talking gold dust now. They'll cost thousands.

Druid: Fair enough. Scrap the doors. So how much for just the stones?

Builder: I've got a job lot on the cart. You can have them at a knock-down price - 'scuse the expression.

Druid: Done. It needs to be finished by the Summer Solstice.

Builder: What's that mean?

Druid: It means completed. Built by.

Builder: No, I mean - when's Summer Solstice?

Druid: June.

Builder: (COUNTS ON HIS FINGERS) That'll be extra labour. It'll cost ya.

Druid: (WEARILY) Ah well. Just leave them here then. I don't see Christianity lasting anyway. A Druid boom is just round the corner - when that happens, I'll get back to you.

Builder: Fair enough, guv. I'll just get the lads to stack 'em up in a circle, over in that field.

Druid: That'll do for now.

________________________________________________________________________________

.

Very nicely written Morrace.
When ever you post it's like a submarine suddenly surfacing and not knowing if it's full of candy or atomic death.

Quote: sootyj @ April 22 2009, 10:19 AM BST

Very nicely written Morrace.
When ever you post it's like a submarine suddenly surfacing and not knowing if it's full of candy or atomic death.

View original

And you're like a circling Great White!

ROY SCHIEDER:
Christ! It's Sootyj - You're gonna need a bigger joke!

Being an historical pedant I had a problem with the builders of Stonehenge being contemporaneous with the early Christians, so I found myself looking for a different angle. So I picked up on the reference Sooty had made to Kirsty Allsop, and recast it as a TV property show, and being aware that Stonehenge had been built in a number of phases, I thought that fitted with the makeover idea. Most of the gags in Sooty's version did not then seem to fit, so I ended up writing what was essentially a new sketch, though, and this is important, one that I would not otherwise have written.

My main concern was that a lot of the gags had an archaeological basis (though some might say that was true of most of my material), and I wondered if references to Seahenge, processional ways, portal stones, bluestones, sarsens, trillithons, Lindow man and the Celtic motif of the triple death, would be comprehensible to the lay reader. I am actually surprised as much survived the subsequent rewrites as it did.

In hindsight one mistake I did make was not make it clear from the outset that the sketch was set in the past - quite an important omission given the confusing presence of TV crew. I am glad to see that a subsequent contributor fixed that.

Anyway, for what it is worth, here is my version:

1. EXT. SALISBURY PLAIN

ED HALL, PRESENTER OF TO BUY OR NOT TO BUY IS TALKING TO CAMERA.

ED
The Druids from Anglesey are looking for a religious structure dedicated to the worship of the sun, with meanings on a variety of different spiritual levels, and parking for two chariots. They have a budget of generations of forced labour. Seahenge they were quite taken with, but had concerns about the effect on resale value of coastal erosion. Avebury had bags of potential, but is slap bang under a flying saucer flight path. There is one more property for them to look at. It's the wildcard, but I think they are going to like it.

2. EXT. STONEHENGE

ED IS JOINED BY TWO DRUIDS.

ED
So Stonehenge. What do you think?

DRUID 1
It seems rather isolated.

ED
That is one of the beauties of this location. Set amid the tranquility of Salisbury Plain, but only four days walk from the main east-west Ridgeway. And don't forget there is waterfront access via a Processional Way.

DRUID 2
Are the portal stones solstice facing?

ED
Absolutely, and with these wide open skies you will be able to enjoy the full effect of the setting sun as you slit your victims' throats.

DRUID1
The property does have a lot of character.

ED
The survey shows it as dating to around 3000 B.C.

DRUID 1
So about 500 years old then?

DRUID 2
I am not sure about all these bluestones. They are a bit last millennium.

DRUID 1
I think we would look to replace those with sarsens.

DRUID 2
Yes, give the place a more zeitgeisty Bronze Age feel.

ED
If you want to keep some of the original character, what you could do is rip out the bluestones, but rather than throwing them away, arrange them in an inner-circle inside the sarsens.

DRUID 2
Oooh I like that!

DRUID 1
Do you think we would be able to get planning permission to install trilithons?

ED
That should be no problem. Simply strike the planning officer on the head with a blunt instrument, throttle him with a length of sinew and throw him into a bog to drown.

DRUID 1
So the application would need to be completed in triplicate?

ED
(SHRUGS) It's a Grade One Listed Building.

DRUID 2
I really like it.

ED
There is just one thing. The site does get a lot of New Age Travellers.

DRUIDS (TOGETHER}
Forget it!

END.

Excellent! A la Fry & Laurie.

Loved this line:

ED
Absolutely, and with these wide open skies you will be able to enjoy the full effect of the setting sun as you slit your victims' throats.

Class.

.