A TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
MAN: Hello, I'd like to complain.
WOMAN: Oh, about what?
MAN: I saw some appalling behavior on my television yesterday.
WOMAN: Really, what was the nature of the behavior?
MAN: It was actually a show about people complaining.
WOMAN: Sounds a bit depressing to me.
MAN: My thoughts exactly.
SILENCE
MAN:Hello?
WOMAN: Hi?
MAN: Well, what are you going to do about it?
WOMAN: I'm sorry, I can't help you.
MAN: Oh, why not?
WOMAN: Because I work in Dixons.
FX: DIAL TONE
MAN: Hello?
JOSH: Hello, this is Josh speaking, you're through to the BBC Complaints Department. How may I help you?
MAN: Hello?
JOSH: Yeah?
MAN: I wish to make a complaint.
JOSH: I bet you do.
MAN: Excuse me?
JOSH: Moan, moan, moan, moan, bloody moan.
MAN: Well I never.
JOSH: You're doing it now.
FX: DIAL TONE
MAN: Hello is this Ofcom?
SUSAN: No, it's Susan.
MAN: Can I speak to Ofcom?
SUSAN: Well I work for Ofcom, how may I help?
MAN: I'd like to make a complaint.
SUSAN: Well I do the best I can.
MAN: I'm not complaining about you.
SUSAN: Oh sorry.
MAN: I'd like to complain about the complaints department at the BBC.
SUSAN: Okay, your complaint has been recorded.
MAN: But I haven't told you the details.
SILENCE
MAN: Hello? Hello?
FX: DIAL TONE
MAN: Hello?
GOD: God here.
MAN: I'd like to complain.
GOD: You what?
MAN: You heard me beardy!
GOD: I beg your pardon?
MAN: You begging me, that makes a nice change.
GOD: Sorry, who is this?
MAN: I am MAN.
GOD: Oh yes, I remember you. Jumped up little shaven monkeys. Always complaining about something. Well I can tell you what you can do with your complaint, you can shove it up your arse!
FX: DIAL TONE
MAN: Hello?
GODS MUM: Hello?
MAN: Is this Gods Mum?
GODS MUM: It sure is, how can I help you?
MAN: I'd like to complain about a BBC Program, Dixons, The BBC's Complaints Department, Ofcom and your son.
GODS MUM: Why, what's he done now?
MAN: He told me to shove my complaint up my arse.
GODS MUM: He did what?! (To God) God, get in here this instant.
GOD: Aw, but Mum.
GODS MUM: Now!
GOD: What?
GODS MUM: Are you going to apologize to MAN for telling him to shove his complaint up his arse?
GOD: Do I have tooo?
GODS MUM: Yes, or no Christians for your tea!
GOD: I'm sorry MAN.
MAN: That's okay lad, I forgive you.
GODS MUM: There's a good boy, now go and play.
GOD: Yay!
GODS MUM: Is there anything else I can help you with?
MAN: You don't think you can tell me off can you?
FX: DIAL TONE
DEREK: Hello?
STEVE: Hello my name is Steve and you are through to the BBC Complaints Department, how may I help you?
DEREK: I've just heard this rather blasphemous so called, comedy sketch on the radio.
FX: DIAL TONE
END
