Dragon's Stench

DRAGONS STENCH.

A MAN ENTERS THE DRAGONS DEN WITH A SMALL CONTRAPTION.

DAVID
My name is David Doowopny and this (holding a contraption) is a Blowjaradoo.

HE BLOWS INTO IT, IT MAKES A SOUND SIMILAR TO A DIDGERIDOO. THE DRAGONS EXCHANGE SCARED LOOKS

DAVID
Not only is it a musical instrument.

THE DRAGONS EXCHANGE YET MORE SCARED LOOKS.

DAVID
But it's the most advanced technological pooper scoop.

DUNCAN BANNATYNE
Let me get this right, you're telling me that, THAT (pointing to the blowjaradoo) is gonnay pick up my dogs crap and then I'm going to blow into it?

DAVID
Precisely Duncan. If you allow me to demonstrate.

THEO
Do you want me phone Mrs. P and get her to bring the dog down to do it's doo doo for you?

THEO GIGGLES

DAVID
(serious)
No, no

DAVID REMOVES A PLASTIC BAG FROM HIS JACKET POCKET

DAVID
Here's one I prepared earlier.

HE EMPTIES THE CONTENTS INTO WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN EMPTY JAM JAR ON TOP OF THE BLOWJARADOO. HE THEN TAKES OUT 5 CUPS FROM HIS BRIEFCASE AND PUTS THEM ON A TABLE NEXT TO THE DRAGONS.

DAVID
This is the magical part.

THE DRAGONS LAUGH, UNENTHUSIASTIC BY THE CONTRAPTION. DAVID BLOWS THE BLOWJARADOO - THE DRAGONS LOOK SICKENED. HE'S NOW BURSTING INTO TUNE OF YOU SEXY THING BY HOT CHOCOLATE. CUTS TO THE DRAGONS WHO ARE NOW BEGINNING TO DANCE IN THEIR CHAIRS. DUNCAN AND DEBORAH ARE NOW UP DANCING TOGETHER ON THE FLOOR. AS THE TUNE FINISHES THERE IS A PUFF OF SMOKE. THE DRAGONS ARE NOW SITTING BACK DOWN. DAVID NOW WALKS UP TO THE CUPS, REMOVES A JAR FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE BLOWJARADOO AND BEGINS POURING THE CONTENTS INTO THE CUPS.

DAVID
Please, take a drink.

THE DRAGONS LOOK SICK.

DUNCAN
Is this some sort of joke? cause it's not funny.

DAVID
No, not at all.

PETER JONES
Okay.....

PETER JONES LOOKS NERVOUS BUT LIFTS A CUP AND SLOWLY SIPS. HE LOOKS OPTIMISTIC.

PETER JONES
Waow!

DUNCAN
What is it?

PETER JONES
(bewildered)
It's.....it's hot chocolate

ALL THE DRAGONS GRAB A CUP AND HAVE A DRINK

DUNCAN POINTS TOWARDS THE BLOWJARADOO.

DUNCAN
Can I?

DAVID
Sure

DAVID HANDS HIM THE BLOWJARADOO. DAVID PULLS OUT ANOTHER BAG OF DOGS DOINGS AND TIPS IT IN TO THE BLOWJARADOO. DUNCAN STARTS PLAYING IT, BEFORE CHOKING.

DUNCAN
Jesus Christ!

DUNCAN STARTS SPITTING SH*T EVERYWHERE

DUNCAN
What the hell happened?

PETER JONES CANT STOP LAUGHING

PETER JONES
That wasn't Hot Chocolate!

DAVID
No, I'm pretty sure it was Simply Red

I like that. I love the surrealness of it and the Theo joke. It fits in with their characters and I found it easy to visualise.

Good fun.

I'm not sure about the ending though.

You could maybe make use of the guy who always does the wrap up bit on Dragon's Den. Although I can only picture him now as portrayed by Paul Whitehouse!

That might give you more options and a punchier end as it's away from the initial action (or not, - what do I know!?)

Jx

I didn't really get this. You've got great dialogue and you strucutre stuff well, but I'm just not clear what the joke is.

Quote: sootyj @ April 20 2009, 8:30 AM BST

I didn't really get this. You've got great dialogue and you strucutre stuff well, but I'm just not clear what the joke is.

View original

Thanks for the praise regards the structuring & dialogue sooty, at least I'm doing something well.

The joke was he was playing a tune by Simply Red not Hot Chocolate.

*goes back to the drawing board*

In which case for a joke that simple it's way to much build up.

Most decent sketches in my view are a race to kick some one in the bollocks.

If playing "Hot Chocolate" produces chocolate drink...

Playing "Simply Red" produces ?????

The joke doesn't work.

Find a different Group name that can produce something liquid & horrible.

Quote: billwill @ April 20 2009, 12:44 PM BST

If playing "Hot Chocolate" produces chocolate drink...

Playing "Simply Red" produces ?????

The joke doesn't work.

Find a different Group name that can produce something liquid & horrible.

View original

Bill, that was exactly what I was planning to do but the joke is that Simply Red are shit So perhaps I was right with my initial thought?

Craig you may be assuming too much intelligence in your audience.

A great many people will happily laugh at the word bum or saying Superman is gay.

Quote: sootyj @ April 20 2009, 2:06 PM BST

A great many people will happily laugh at the word bum or saying Superman is gay.

View original

Hahhaha...bum.

Quote: sootyj @ April 20 2009, 2:06 PM BST

Craig you may be assuming too much intelligence in your audience.

A great many people will happily laugh at the word bum or saying Superman is gay.

View original

rofl.

You would be right in assuming that I am assuming.

This line doesn't make any sense:

THEO
Do you want me phone Mrs. P and get her to bring the dog down to do it's doo doo for you?

Why would Theo say that?

-------------------------

This bit of action, again, doesn't make sense:

THE DRAGONS LAUGH, UNENTHUSIASTIC BY THE CONTRAPTION.

I don't know if there's a spelling mistake there.

-------------------------

I can kind of see what you're going for with the punchline, but it doesn't make any sense and not in a good, surreal way. Has Peter Jones deliberately drunk shit to make Duncan drink some? You need to give your characters some motivation.

-------------------------

Also, the Dragon's Den thing has been done to death now. Unless you can beat Harry and Paul's 'Kitten Stomper' sketch then you shouldn't bother.

Quote: Ben @ April 20 2009, 6:52 PM BST

This line doesn't make any sense:

THEO
Do you want me phone Mrs. P and get her to bring the dog down to do it's doo doo for you?

Why would Theo say that?

-------------------------

This bit of action, again, doesn't make sense:

THE DRAGONS LAUGH, UNENTHUSIASTIC BY THE CONTRAPTION.

I don't know if there's a spelling mistake there.

-------------------------

I can kind of see what you're going for with the punchline, but it doesn't make any sense and not in a good, surreal way. Has Peter Jones deliberately drunk shit to make Duncan drink some? You need to give your characters some motivation.

-------------------------

Also, the Dragon's Den thing has been done to death now. Unless you can beat Harry and Paul's 'Kitten Stomper' sketch then you shouldn't bother.

View original

THEO
Do you want me phone Mrs. P and get her to bring the dog down to do it's doo doo for you?

Why would Theo say that? YES HE WOULD, HE ALWAYS REFERS TO MRS. P AND MAKES JOKES ABOUT THE PITCHERS. IN SIMPLE TERMS, HE WAS ASKING THE PITCHER IF HE WOULD LIKE HIM TO PHONE HIS WIFE AND GET HER TO BRING THEIR DOG DOWN TO THE STUDIO AND DO A SHIT, WHICH WOULD THEN BE USED IN THE BLOWJARADOO.

_______

I can kind of see what you're going for with the punchline, but it doesn't make any sense and not in a good, surreal way. Has Peter Jones deliberately drunk shit to make Duncan drink some? NO PETER JONES DID NOT DRINK SHIT. HE DRANK HOT CHOCOLATE - THE SONG WAS BY HOT CHOCOLATE. DUNCAN BANNATYNE DRANK SHIT BECAUSE HE PLAYED SIMPLY RED ON THE BLOWJARADOO - I WAS MAKING OUT SIMPLY RED WERE SHIT.

_______

This bit of action, again, doesn't make sense:

THE DRAGONS LAUGH, UNENTHUSIASTIC BY THE CONTRAPTION.

I don't know if there's a spelling mistake there.

TRUE, WHAT I WAS TRYING TO CONVEY HERE WAS THE FACT THE DRAGONS WEREN'T REALLY PAYING MUCH ATTENTION AND LAUGHING OFF WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS A RIDICULOUS IDEA.

_______

Also, the Dragon's Den thing has been done to death now. Unless you can beat Harry and Paul's 'Kitten Stomper' sketch then you shouldn't bother.

THATS YOUR OPINION NOT MINE.

_______

Thanks for your feedback.

Quote: Craig H @ April 20 2009, 7:21 PM BST

Thanks for your feedback.

View original

Any time. I only want to help.

Quote: Ben @ April 20 2009, 7:29 PM BST

Any time. I only want to help.

View original

I'll keep you posted on my latest sketches then