The Self-deprecating Bull

EXT. FIELD - AFTERNOON

Bullster the Bull, stands with the herd whilst they mingle with each other, except him.

From a far, he admires Daisey the cow.

BULLSTER
Cor, she's such a hot bitch. My god, I need to go over there and, and...

Doubt dawns on him.

BULLSTER
Ah, who am I kidding?. I'm such an ugly bastard, no cow will ever want to get with me.

Glender the goat strolls up, after over-hearing Bullster's self-pity.

GLENDER
Ah, will you quit your whining?

BULLSTER
But look at me; I have crappy horns, saggy arse and my eyes have that rapey look to them.

GLENDER
I always found that stare of yours quite alluring.

BULLSTER
And now it seems I can only pull goats.

GLENDER
Oh, you must never pull goats [beat] we like to be pushed.

BULLSTER
Is this a joke? Are you playing a prank on me? Oh ha ha. Very funny.

GLENDER
It's no joke. Meet me behind the shed in 5 minutes.

4 minutes and 56 seconds later...

EXT. FARM - BEHIND SHED

Bullster drags himself behind the shed.

BULLSTER
Oh, what am I doing here? She's going to see my bull cock and laugh. This was a big mistake.

GLENDER [O.S]
Hello handsome.

Bullster spins around, to be greeted by the sight of Glender with her arse in the air, ready to be mounted.

BULLSTER
Oh, my!

GLENDER
Get it whilst it's hot.

BULLSTER
Ew! But, OK!

Bullster charges towards and onto Glender. He's in and doing the dirty. Glender groans in pleasure.

BULLSTER
Is that Ok?

GLENDER
Yes, yes!

BULLSTER
I bet you can't even feel me, can you?

GLENDER
Shhhh!

BULLSTER
It's ok, you don't have to pretend.

GLENDER
Will-you-shuddup!

BULLSTER
I knew it, I knew I'd spoil it. Somehow!

Still humping away.

BULLSTER
That's it - take me to the slaughter house. I'm worth nothing, I'll probably be a test for the killing machines. My meat will not even be good enough for the little pieces you get with those instant noodles and even a Burger King.

GLENDER
Your meat is doing fine, now don't stop!

BULLSTER
I'm not even worthy of being in a decent sketch. I mean, what's this one all about?

GLENDER
Oh, god.

BULLSTER
Is there even anything funny about a bull and goat having sex with each other? Go on picture it. Are you laughing?

GLENDER
No, I'm almost crying.

BULLSTER
Not you.

Bullster points to an empty bit of field.

BULLSTER [Continued]
Them!

GLENDER
Who you pointing to?

BULLSTER
I don't even know anymore...

GLENDER
You're not as ugly as you think, you know. And you're quite funny. I want you to know how much I...

BULLSTER
I've cum!

GLENDER
Oh...

BULLSTER
Thank you. Bye-bye.

Bullster gallops off, leaving a bemused Glender.

END

Did Glender...you know?

Loved it! hilarious. I liked the part about a decent sketch.

Mad as a bag of spanners Lee!

Very Funny. But it worries me about what goes on in your mind!

Quote: bigfella @ April 18 2009, 10:01 PM BST

But it worries me about what goes on in your mind!

View original

It doesn't so much worry me as makes me think perhaps we were seperated at birth.

Seems a bit 'David Bussell'.

"Self-deprecating bull" - Sounds like an apt description of many of the posts (or at least my posts) on this site.

Quote: Leevil @ April 18 2009, 9:44 PM BST

BULLSTER Cor, she's such a hot bitch.

View original

Most bulls that I know refer to do-able females of their species as 'heifers' or simply 'cows'. Plus, 'hot heifer' or even 'heavenly heifer' would give an alliterative effect to your protagonist's lustful lowing. Bullster's use of the term 'bitch' does not endear him to me.

Quote: Leevil @ April 18 2009, 9:44 PM BST

BULLSTER
Oh, what am I doing here? She's going to see my bull cock and laugh.

View original

The correct term for a bull's "cock" is 'pizzle'. Perhaps Bullster could say: "One look at my puny pizzle and she'll be bleatin' her teats off with laughter."

Also, if there's any truth to the old adage that "every sketch contains an element of autobiography" - in this case, low self-esteem, small dick and unrequited lust - I'd say you've got balls. And bulls have huge balls. I mean all this very politely and apologize if there is not a shred of autobiography in the charatcer of Bullster. Perhaps he's just based on someone else, someone like me.

Made me laugh. A few thoughts:

1. "Bullster spins around, to be greeted by the sight of Glender with her arse in the air, ready to be mounted." - I was quite turned on for a second, then I remembered Glender was a goat - then I felt a little ashamed.

2. Agree that there appears to be elements from Leevil's real life here - hopefully he just has a great imagination, otherwise the lad needs some help.

3. All in all a funny sketch, and with a bit of work it could be even better. I think the ending is little bit of an anti-climax (ha ha). Maybe it'd be better if the other bulls and goats were hiding behind the shed and the whole thing was a bet???

4. Is Glender now carrying an embryonic Bull-Goat ("Boat"???)

Quote: Kenneth @ April 19 2009, 12:37 AM BST

Also, if there's any truth to the old adage that "every sketch contains an element of autobiography" -

View original

I think Kenneth (and Glender) may be on to something -

GLENDER
You're not as ugly as you think, you know. And you're quite funny.

Ugly - dunno. Funny - yes.

.

And they say that drugs are a bad thing!

Cheers guys.

Quote: Ben @ April 18 2009, 11:14 PM BST

Seems a bit 'David Bussell'.

View original

Quote: Kenneth @ April 19 2009, 12:37 AM BST

Also, if there's any truth to the old adage that "every sketch contains an element of autobiography"

View original

Yes, it's true; I hang about in fields, not managing to mingle with the other cows.

Well written and fun.

Quote: Leevil @ April 19 2009, 11:44 AM BST

Yes, it's true; I hang about in fields, not managing to mingle with the other cows.

View original

I know the feeling. I find it almost impossible to mingle with cows, especially when I'm sober.