Starting Again

A second crack at writing a sitcom. I've totally changed the sit but kept a bit of the com. this is the first 10 pages.

SCENE ONE

ATMOSEN SCRATCHING ON PAPER

KARENVO) Dear diary - I can't actually find a pen so I'm not really sure how I'm writing this, but hey ho. It's week three of my plan to start up my own business and I've decided to get rid of all the potential business ideas which start with the same letter as the names of people I don't like, so it feels as if I've made some progress even if I haven't. Anyway, today I met up with Dan as he'd offered to drive me to the Franchise Business Opportunities Exhibition…

ATMOS ENDS

SCENE TWO

TONYMUTTERING TO HIMSELF ANGRILY) Stupid bloody woman with her stupid bloody ears. I hope someone stabs her to death in her sleep and…

F/XHOP DOOR OPENING

KAREN:Morning Tony. Two cappuccinos to take away please.

TONYCHEERY) Certainly madam. Chocolate sprinkles on top?

KAREN:Yes please!

TONYCHEERY) Very good.

ATMOS:COFFEE MACHINE NOISES

TONYUNDER HIS BREATH, ANGRILY) I'd rather sprinkle arsenic on it and set fire to your head you stupid, hateful…

KAREN:Lovely weather today. I wish I had some sunglasses.

TONYCHEERY) Why can't you wear sunglasses? The weird ears?

KAREN:What? No, I just left them at home.

TONYUNDER HIS BREATH, ANGRILY) I'd like to rip your arms off, stick them in your bizarre ears and….

KARENid you do anything nice at the weekend?

END ATMOS

TONYCHEERY) Yes, I met a lovely woman who seemed really beautiful, intelligent and funny. I'm hoping to see her again; we really hit it off. (BEAT) Here you are - two cappuccinos to go.

F/XHOP DOOR OPENING

DAN:Hi Karen.

KAREN:Hi Dan, I got you a coffee.

TONY:That'll be five pound twenty please.

KAREN:Thanks Tony. Good luck with your new lady friend!

TONYUNDER HIS BREATH, ANGRILY) At least her ears are normal, you mutant.

F/XHOP DOOR CLOSING

TONYBARELY ABLE TO CONTAIN HIS RAGE) I hate you so much!

SCENE THREE

ATMOS:CAR INTERIOR

DAN:I don't know why you go to that coffee place. The guy who runs it is a freak.

KAREN:He's always pleasant enough when I go in there. I think he fancies me a little bit. Maybe I could start up a coffee shop?

F/XATNAV PING

SATNAVFEMALE VOICE) In 50 yards, turn left.

DAN:As one of your oldest, dearest friends, I feel I should warn you that if you open a coffee shop, you will almost certainly end up dying alone and unloved in a gutter somewhere.

KAREN:That seems a bit harsh.

DAN:Not to anyone who's ever tasted your coffee! It's definitely the main reason I haven't married you yet.

KAREN:I've got no intention of becoming the next Mrs. Dan Slab thank you very much.

DAN:Well I've already been married once this year, so you're safe for the moment.

F/XATNAV PING

SATNAV:Turn left here. (BEAT) Continue for 0.3 miles.

DANpeaking of potential wives, how is the lovely Sue these days? Fine woman. She deserves a man who will look after her properly…

KARENomehow I don't think she's quite ready to become the fifteenth Mrs. Dan Slab either!

DANne of my ex-wives was like that. She was so unsure about being my fifth wife that, by the time I charmed her into it, she was actually the seventh. (BEAT) Tragic what happened to her, really. They never did find that crocodile.

F/XATNAV PING

SATNAVpeed camera.

KAREN:They're really cool these satnav things. What does this button do?

F/X:BEEP

DAN:Hey!

F/XATNAV PING

SATNAVMALE STANLEY UNWIN VOICE) Contibold for two-lopper milode then up-fallopoty turny righto.

DAN:How on Earth did you get it to do that with one button? That voice isn't even programmed into it!

KAREN:I don't know. I just pressed this button here.

F/X:BEEP
F/XATNAV PING

SATNAVFEMALE VOICE) At the third stroke, the time will be ten-fifteen and forty seconds. Beep beep beep.

KAREN:Maybe if I try one of these other buttons?

DAN:I'm not sure that's a good…

F/X:BEEP
F/XOP, FIZZ
F/XATNAV PING

SATNAV:We apologolologolologolise for any inconvenience. Blarp.

F/X:HISS OF STATIC, CUTTING OFF

KARENops.

DAN:How do you do things like that? Never mind, we're here now. (BEAT) Umm…

ATMOS ENDS WITH CAR PULLING TO A STOP

DAN:Are you sure this is the right place? Isn't 'Erotique' a bit of an odd name for a franchise opportunities exhibition?

KAREN:I suppose. But this is definitely the right venue. Come on, let's go in, there's probably a perfectly logical reason for the odd name.

SCENE FOUR

ATMOS:INSIDE EXHIBITION CENTRE

F/X:MOBILE PHONE RINGING, BEING ANSWERED

KAREN:Hello?

F/X:CARTOON PHONE BABBLING

KAREN:I'm not sure I understand.

F/X:CARTOON PHONE BABBLING
(D) - Distorted, on the other end of the phone.

KAREN:Could you just speak normally?

ANNAD) Sorry Karen, got a bit of a sore throat. This is Anna. I'm just phoning to find out why you haven't turned up for work? We haven't seen you for three weeks.

KAREN:Anna, I don't work there any more.

ANNA:You could at least have done us the courtesy of letting us know!

KAREN:I gave you a letter of resignation. I also faxed it to you. And emailed it. I even hired that singing telegram to remind you on my last day. You remember?

ANNAD) Umm…

KAREN:The telegram was dressed as a policeman and you thought it was about that speeding ticket? You panicked when you saw him and decided to go on the run? You set fire to your filing cabinet and jumped out of the window and we only stopped you because you forgot which car was yours to escape in?

ANNAD) It's ringing vague bells. I'll just take your word for it. So you'll be in this afternoon? You're the only one who knows how to work the phone.

KAREN:You've just phoned me on it.

ANNAD) Yes and that took me three weeks to work out.

KAREN:What happened to that new receptionist I hired before I left?

ANNAD) What new recept… ah. You mean this woman sitting here with her head in her hands? I wondered who she was.

KAREN:I think you'd better speak to her instead.

ANNAD) Sorry, who is this? I think you might have a wrong number.

KAREN:Bye Anna.

F/X:MOBILE PHONE BLEEP

KARENorry about that Dan.

DAN:I still don't think this looks like a business expo.

KARENh, I don't know. If you ignore the fact that half the people here are dressed in rubber and assume that there's some sort of allegorical reason for the semi-naked bondage dwarves on stilts and…and… (BEAT) I've got the dates wrong, haven't I?

DANLAUGHING) Oh well. We might as well look round now we're here. You never know, you might find a good business idea anyway. There's always the 'oldest profession'.

KARENan! I can't believe you're suggesting I become a prostitute - you know I hate doing night-shifts!

DAN:My third wife would have loved this exhibition. She was a French maid strippagram. As if being a bit too enthusiastic about sleeping with drunken stag parties wasn't bad enough, the house was always a mess because she never did learn how to use that feather duster properly.

KAREN:I'm not sure I'd fancy being a strippagram either but there might be some other good ideas round here, look. (BEAT) I could become a masseuse…a lingerie model…

DAN:A gimp…

KAREN:Come on. Let's look over here. If you keep making suggestions like that, I may just get one of these to use on you.

F/X:WHIP CRACK

MAN#1:Careful love, there's a bit of a knack to using…

F/X:WHIP CRACK

DAN:Hey!

KARENLAUGHS)

F/X:WHIP CRACK

DAN:Aaargh! My eye!

KARENh no! Dan! I'm sorry. Is there a first aider here?

MAN#1:Keep an eye on my stall and I'll take him to the first aid station.

KAREN:But I don't know how to run a stall!

MAN#1:Just tell people I'll be back in a few minutes and don't touch anything.

KAREN:But… (PAUSE) Well I suppose 'sex shop owner' is a possibility so I should make the most of this opportunity to see if I like it.

MAN#2:Excuse me, what's this?

KAREN:It's not actually my stall… (BEAT) I mean, let me have a look. Ah, this is your top quality chocolate body spread.

MAN#2:Is it suitable for diabetics?

KAREN:To smear all over a diabetic or for the diabetic to lick off?

MAN#2:I don't know, I was asking just in case. Does it really taste of chocolate?

KAREN:I suppose we could try, if I take the lid off (GRUNT, STRAIN).

F/XOP! SPLURGE!

KARENh great. It's all over me now. (BEAT) But it does taste of real chocolate. It's very nice actually. Want to try some?

MAN#2:Erm…no. You don't really seem the sort of person I like to lick. I'll give it a miss.

KAREN:You're not even going to buy some? Come back! (SIGH) What am I going to do now with chocolate all over me? It's all over the floor too. I'd better clean it up before someone…Whoops!

F/X:KAREN CRASHING INTO DISPLAY STAND

MAN#1:I told you not to touch anything on my stall! Why are you covered in chocolate? You do realise you're supposed to take your clothes off before putting body spread on?

ATMOS ENDS

SCENE FIVE

ATMOSEN SCRATCHING ON PAPER

KARENVO) Well diary - you can imagine the mess I was in. Fortunately the stall owner calmed down after I tidied everything up, paid for the damage and bought a French maid outfit to change into. The expo didn't really have a first aid station, it was more a bunch of people who liked sexy nurse uniforms and tying each other up with bandages. They found Dan some sort of bondage eye-patch though - so we made rather an odd-looking pair when we arrived at the pub to meet Sue…

ATMOS ENDS

I quite like this but it feels like your sticking with the same joke, yes we get the coffee shop guy hates Karen. And that intro doesn't really tell us where we're going.

Good gags but it's more like a long sketch than a sitcom.

Had a look through and found it fluid and amusing. There's enough going on there to keep me interested.

Sir Stanley Unwin SATNAV voice -

Well written and pretty funny but I agree with Sootyj that it doesn't really seem to be going anywhere.

Also, I couldn't help but think of Dan as Ross from Friends because of all of the marriages, and the coffee shop guy as like an opposite version of Gunther. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not though.

I like Tony's character and he made me laugh. Anger is always so very funny. So is the word "Blarp".

Like the others have said, it doesn't seem like any sort of story has kicked in yet. You need to get the first hints of the story laid down as soon possible. At the moment it's just two characters moving from one unrelated situation to the other.

Quote: Ben @ April 14 2009, 2:50 PM BST

At the moment it's just two characters moving from one unrelated situation to the other.

View original

Sounds like the BSG. Only here it's eighteen characters moving from one pointless thread to another.

£5:20???!!! F**kin' hell.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ April 14 2009, 1:55 PM BST

Also, I couldn't help but think of Dan as Ross from Friends because of all of the marriages, and the coffee shop guy as like an opposite version of Gunther. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not though.

View original

I certainly wasn't thinking either of those things when I wrote them. Dan is a lot less twatty than Ross.

Hmmm. I guess it wasn't really heading anywhere, just about Karen's failed attempts to get round to starting her own business, with this episode being about trying to get to the expo. Tony was going to be a bit character (linked to Sue later in the episode) and Karen's mental ex-boss was going to become important, as was Karen ending up dressed as a French Maid, so I guess I can see why you can't see it going anywhere yet. I'll have a think about that, perhaps it needs a more solid story than trying to get to an expo and things going wrong.

Quote: DIKTURNIP @ April 14 2009, 3:38 PM BST

£5:20???!!! F**kin' hell.

View original

for 2 large capuccinos? You don't live in London do you?

I enjoyed reading this. Love the characters, very likeable. I wouldn't say it wasn't going anywhere. She meet's with Dan in the coffee shop (he is taking her to the expo) as she is starting up her own business. They head to the expo for her to learn a bit about it (being a comedy, it doesn't quite go to plan). I don't really see where the unrelated situations come into it (re: above) - I think each scene has it's part to play and it was well written.

For only a few pages, I think you set it up quite nicely.

Look forward to reading the next draft.

Cheers
Craig

Quote: Craig Hosie @ April 15 2009, 9:30 AM BST

I enjoyed reading this. Love the characters, very likeable. I wouldn't say it wasn't going anywhere. She meet's with Dan in the coffee shop (he is taking her to the expo) as she is starting up her own business. They head to the expo for her to learn a bit about it (being a comedy, it doesn't quite go to plan). I don't really see where the unrelated situations come into it (re: above) - I think each scene has it's part to play and it was well written.

View original

Perhaps if it started off at the expo (or outside in the carpark) it would get to the story quicker.

Quote: Ben @ April 15 2009, 11:28 AM BST

Perhaps if it started off at the expo (or outside in the carpark) it would get to the story quicker.

View original

Very true. I guess you could argue it lacks the starting hook but I really liked the characters so I enjoyed the coffee shop intro.

Quote: Ben @ April 15 2009, 11:28 AM BST

Perhaps if it started off at the expo (or outside in the carpark) it would get to the story quicker.

View original

No, I don't think so. I thought of that and it just didn't feel right (THEME TUNE. KAREN: Oops! I've come to the wrong place...).

What I might do is move the phone call from her ex-boss back and move something else forward. The ex-boss is important as it is pressure on her through the series to give up her dream of starting her own business and go back to her old job.

I suppose I could also move the coffee shop scene back to bring something else forward but again, it's setting up something to happen later so the first ten pages would still contain things which might not be going anywhere obvious.

Is that really all that big a problem though, do people really want to know what's going to happen in the first 5-10 minutes or so?