British Comedy Guide

An experiment in long build up again.

THIS IS FILMED LIKE A DOCUMENTARY, WITH VO QUESTIONS BEING ASKED BY SOME ONE BEHIND THE CAMERA

WE ARE IN AN OFFICE TALKING TO JANE

VO

Tell us about Colin.

JANE

Colin was one of the strangest and saddest cases of abandonment I ever encountered. He was left locked in a flat on his own from the age of 6, for 20 years.

VO

Completely on his own?

JANE

No he had over 300 videos and a video player.

VO

What sort of videos?

JANE

Sitcoms, UK sitcoms they were his only friends. He was like a Tarzan of sitcom.

VO

So how has integrating Colin into the community gone?

JANE

It's been a challenge, but he's been doing great vountary work, really building his empathy.

THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. IT'S COLIN A VERY SMILEY MAN IN A BRIGHT SPORTS JACKET.

COLIN

Hello Jane you Plonker.

JANE

Hello Colin you plonker.

COLIN AND JANE TOGETHER

We'll be millionaires by Xmas.

JANE

That's his greeting. Why don't you show us the work you've been doing with the gentlemen?

COLIN

Listen very carefully I will say this only once, let's goto the old folks home.

THEY GO INTO A LARGE DAY CENTRE STYLE ROOM.

IT'S FULL OF TIRED OLD MEN STANDING WITH BED PANS ON THEIR HEADS, HOLDING CRUTCHES LIKE RIFLE, ONE IS IN A WHEEL CHAIR, ONE HAS HIS TROUSERS ROUND HIS ANKLES, ANOTHER LIES ON THE FLOOR LOOKING DEAD.

JANE

Oh my God what happened here?

COLIN

Don't tell him Pike.

VO

Next week Colin struggles with a job in transport.

COLIN IS BEING LEAD OFF A BUS IN HANDCUFFS BY TWO POLICEMEN. HE IS WEARING A 1970S STYLE BUS UNIFORM.

A WOMAN BUS DRIVER GLOWERS AT HER.

It's difficult to write a critique of this without being massively offensive to Mark and Aaron.

Well you could just say if it's amusing or not?

It's certainly a bit odd.

Sorry, most amusing. It's got a distinct Not The Nine O'Clock News vibe about it.

Thanks chapter 2 at some point.

Love they Neighbour pastiche I think.

Nice idea :)

EPISODE 2

JANE AND CAMERA MAN WALKING DOWN CORRIDOR

VO

I understnad Colin has moved into his own flat, how's it working out?

JANE

Badly to be honest. It was in Peckham, we thought the 3 seasons of Desmonds he watched would undo the damge of the 7 seasons of Love thy Nieghbour. It didn't.

VO

What happened?

JANE

He called his neighbour a jungle bunny, and asked if he was going to boil him up in a big black pot.

VO

Oh so the neighbour hit him, shouted at him?

JANE

No his caucasian wife did, when he said he could call him a honkey or a snow flake. Colin just ran off.

VO

Where did he go?

JANE

The one place he feels safe, here.

THEY ARE OUTSIDE TV STUDIO DOORS, A SIGN SAYS
"Quiet recording the very last of the summer whine,"

THEY SNEAK IN TO THE RECORDING. THERE IS A VERY OLD AUDIENCE, PARAMEDICS, AND PALL BEARERS STAND TO ONE SIDE.

OLD ACTOR

Ooh Nora, I, I

A PARAMEDIC RUNS ON WITH AN OXYGEN CYLINFER AFTER A FEW DEEP BREATHS HE CONTINUES.

To get into your bloomers, I jsut did a whoopsy in mine.

THE AUDIENCE LAUGH

No really I did.

A KEENING COMES FROM BEHIND THE SOFA, IT'S A LONG PAINED WAIL.

JANE RUNS ON SET COLIN IS HIDING BEHIND THE SOFA

COLIN

I hate you Butler.

JANE EMBRACES COLIN

JANE

I hate you to Colin

Great idea. Preferred ep1 to ep2. I think that a lot of us here can relate to Colin, make sure he 'makes it' in further episodes wont you:)

The second one I think is a better idea, but a rougher product.

You think there's a hope for poor Colin?

I might change his name to Sid-Thom Connolly.

The first part of the winning sketch.

Quote: sootyj @ August 3 2008, 1:09 AM BST

Well you could just say if it's amusing or not?

It's certainly a bit odd.

Read the first one, very funny stuff. I wouldn't say it's odd. Also, an experiment in long build up? I don't know if I quite understand, the sketch certainly wasn't long, or drawn out in any way. Write the sketch how the sketch demands, if that means longer then half a page, then it's longer then half a page.

More a change to my ususal style, half a page with out a gag is unusual for me.

I enjoyed writing this.

Quote: sootyj @ April 13 2009, 5:27 PM BST

More a change to my ususal style, half a page with out a gag is unusual for me.

I enjoyed writing this.

Well, I dare say this style is certainly more likely to perk interest from TV producers.

Quote: sootyj @ April 13 2009, 5:27 PM BST

More a change to my ususal style, half a page with out a gag is unusual for me.

Yeah, it's normally a full page without a gag.

Maybe with out a good gag, but I sprinkle gags likes hundreds and thousands.

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