SKETCH COMP 13-21.4.9

Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... COOL MIKADO for winnin' AGAIN! That's 10 and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Cool Mikado
2 - 5 - Nigel Kelly
1 - 1 - Tom G
1 - 1 - Shaggy292

Your new subject: SKIN (chosen by Cool Mikado).
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 21 April

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
91 - Chris Forshaw
82 - Charley Rance
67 - Otterfox
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
55 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
52 - Nigel Kelly
51 - Cool Mikado
31 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
25 - Afinkawan
22 - Leevil
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Swerytd
15 - Fred Sunshine
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

Hi, I'm not on the list but just wanted a crack. Hope I havnt messed anything up.This sketch reads like a pingu episode, just to make it clearer in your head.

living room:intay

Pengy's mum is sitting watching TV knitting. Pengy walks in from behind his mum.

V.O

Oh dear Pengy is back late from the library

Pengy attempts to sneak up stairs

Pengy's mum

woo woo .........wo wo.......wo

V.O

Oh dear Pengy's mum is very concerned about where Pengy's been all this time

PENGY

wo....wo ....wo

PENGY'S MUM

wo...wo........wo....wo

V.O

Pengy's mum isn't buying the late night lock in at the library story and Pengy is probably going to be in a lot of shit.

PENGY'S mum

wooo......wooooo.....wo

V.O

Pengy's mum thinks he's been down at the fishing hole with that seal.Pengy's mum thinksthat's she's no good,and that shes nothing but a oily blubbery whore.

PENGY

wo..wo.wo!

PENGY'S MUM

wo....wo..wo

V.O

Pengy's mum thinks Pengy should go to bed before his dad gets back.But oh dear here comes Pengy's dad and it looks as though he's been drinking

Pengy's dad enters the room staggering around the room

PENGY'S DAD

(slurred)wo...wo.....wo)

V.O

Pengy's dad wants to know whats going on

PENGY'S MUM

woo...wo.woo

V.O

Pengy's mum pertends nothing is going and that pengy had just come down stairs for a glass of water.

PENGY'S DAD

Woo.....wo...wo.....wo

V.O

Pengy's dad doesn't seem to buy the story and claims it's a crock of shit. He thinks that pengy has been out late and that he deserves a right good thrashing.

pengy's dad takes off his belt but his mum jumps in between the two

PENGY'S MUM

wo....woo...wo....wo

V.O

Pengy's mum thinks that pengy's dad has had enough and should go to bed

PENGY'S DAD

woo...wo....wo....wo

V.O

But pengy's dad thinks that he should tell her when hes had enough and that if she carries on she will receive a right good throttling too.

pengy's little brother walks into the room

pengy's little brother

woo..wo..wo.wooo

V.O

whens it my turn Pengy's little brother says.And the whole family can't help but laugh

the whole family start laughing

V.O

Ahh Pengy's little brother saves the day but, sadly doesn't save the family.Tune in tomorrow kids when Pengy's mum finds text messages from another woman on Pengy's dad's phone.same time same place

INT.TATTOO PARLOUR.DAY

A NERVOUS LOOKING WOMAN SITS WITH HER SLEEVE ROLLED UP WHILE A ROUGH LOOKING TATTOO ARTIST SITS NEXT TO HER WIPING HER ARM WITH A STERILIZED WIPE

TATTOO ARTIST
This your first one?

WOMAN (nodding)
Yes it is

TATTOO ARTIST
Nervous?

WOMAN
A bit

TATTOO ARTIST
Don't be, it doesn't hurt… much! No, I'm only joking, I've had about seventy percent of my body covered in tats, and the most I've ever felt is a scratch

THE TATTOO ARTIST FINISHES WIPING THE WOMANS ARM, THROWS THE WIPE INTO A PEDAL BIN THEN PICKS UP AN ELECTRIC NEEDLE AND SWITCHES IT ON

TATTOO ARTIST
Ok then, here we go, just relax and you'll be fine

THE TATTOO ARTIST PUTS THE NEEDLE TO THE WOMAN'S ARM AND THERE IS A VERY LOUD 'BANG'. THE WOMAN'S ARM HAS DISAPPEARED LEAVING BITS OF SKIN HANGING OFF THE TATTOO ARTIST AND OTHER BITS OF EQUIPMENT

TATTOO ARTIST (turning off the needle)
Oh dear!

PATIENT
Hey doc, what's that little pile of skins over there?

DOC
Oh them, just a little pile of skins

PATIENT
(assuming)
It's not...

DOC
Yes, as a matter of fact it is

PATIENT
You mean, that's a pile of foreskins?

DOC
Yes, dickhead

PATIENT
Okay, okay, there was need for the dickhead

Might be a bit long, but...

INT.DOCTOR'S SURGERY, MORNING

DR RICHARDS (MALE, MID-50s) HAS JUST FINISHED EXAMINING A PATIENT, MR BARNES (30). A TOPLESS MR BARNES PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON. DR RICHARDS SITS AT HIS DESK, MR BARNES SITS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE

DR RICHARDS:Well Mr Barnes, I've had a thorough examination of you and I can confirm...you've got eczema.

MR BARNES:Eczema?

DR RICHARDS:I'm afraid so. What I'll do straight away is write you a prescription for some drugs, and there's some cream you can pick up as well.

MR BARNESh thank you, doctor.

DR RICHARDS IS ABOUT TO WRITE SOMETHING DOWN, BUT HESITATES

DR RICHARDS:Erm...

MR BARNES:Is there a problem?

DR RICHARDS:No, no, it's just....how do you spell eczema?

MR BARNES:I'm sorry?

DR RICHARDS:Eczema – how do you spell it? It's one of those bloody awkward diseases.

MR BARNES:Erm...I'm not too sure.

DR RICHARDS:Well, it's got to have an X in it somewhere.

MR BARNES:I really don't know. You should, though, shouldn't you?

DR RICHARDS:All right, there's no need to rub it in. Make sure you rub the cream in, though, it's good shit. Christ, how do you spell it?

MR BARNES:E...X...Can't you just look in one of those books?

DR RICHARDS:No, that's cheating.

MR BARNES:What about asking one of the other doctors?

DR RICHARDS:I suppose...

DR RICHARDS PICKS UP THE PHONE ON HIS DESK AND DIALS

DR RICHARDS:Hello, Alan – it's Thomas. Could you pop in here for a second, old chap – bit of a puzzler, I'd appreciate your expertise...Thank ye.

MR BARNES:What's happening?

DR RICHARDSoctor Matthews is on his way.

MR BARNES:Is he a skin specialist or something?

DR RICHARDSort of...he handles the spelling and grammar questions in our pub quiz team. We'll beat those bloody dentists one day.

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR

DR RICHARDS:Come in, Alan.

DR MATTHEWS ENTERS – HE'S A SIMILAR AGE TO DR RICHARDS

DR MATTHEWS:You rang, m'lud?

DR RICHARDS:Ha, ha. Just a quickie, Alan – 'eczema' – how do you spell the bugger?

DR MATTHEWS:For this gentleman?

DR RICHARDS:Indeed.

MR BARNES:Hello.

HE HOLDS HIS HAND OUT FOR DR MATTHEWS TO SHAKE

DR MATTHEWS:Err...I'd rather not, thank you....

DR MATTHEWS NOTICES MR BARNES' SKIN

DR MATTHEWS:Hold on a tick...

DR MATTHEWS INSPECTS MR BARNES' ARM

DR MATTHEWS:That's not eczema.

MR BARNES:No?

DR RICHARDS:No?

DR MATTHEWS:No – it's just plague.

DR RICHARDSh, thank goodness for that. Crisis averted. Well done, Dr Matthews!

DR MATTHEWS:No problem, Dr Richards. Tatty-bye!

DR MATTHEWS LEAVES

MR BARNESlague?

DR RICHARDS:Yeah, that was a bit of luck – thought we were in trouble then!

What's the biggest drawback in the world? An elephant's foreskin.

1. INT. A DRESS SHOP.

A SALES ASSISTANT IS WAITING OUTSIDE THE CHANGING ROOM.

SALES ASSISTANT
Is everything all right?

CUSTOMER (VO)
Yes... it's just a bit tight.

SALES ASSISTANT TAPS HER FOOT.

SALES ASSISTANT
Do you need a hand?

CUSTOMER (VO)
No, won't be a mo. There!

CUSTOMER STEPS OUT FROM THE CHANGING ROOM. SHE IS NAKED APART FROM A PAIR OF HIGH-HEELED SHOES.

CUSTOMER
How do I look?

SALES ASSISTANT
It really suits you.

CUSTOMER
My bum doesn't look big in it?

SALES ASSISTANT
Not at all!

CUSTOMER
I wasn't sure about the colour?

SALES ASSISTANT
No, trust me, it's definitely you.

CUSTOMER
And it goes with the shoes?

SALES ASSISTANT
Oh, I would say so.

CUSTOMER
You don't think it needs letting out?

SALES ASSISTANT
No, it is fine just as it is.

CUSTOMER
It pinches a bit here.

SALES ASSISTANT
Let me see. No that will give.

CUSTOMER
Okay then. I'll take it.

SALES ASSISTANT
If you would just like to get changed...

CUSTOMER
That's okay, I'll wear it to go.

SALES ASSISTANT
Certainly. And will there be anything else?

CUSTOMER
Do you have a scarf to match?

SALES ASSISTANT
Of course...

CUT TO:

2. INT: THE DRESS SHOP CHECKOUT.

THE CUSTOMER IS AT THE COUNTER BEING SERVED BY A RATHER PLUMP TILLGIRL, THE SALES ASSISTANT HOVERING CLOSE BY.

TILLGIRL
...and if you would just like to remove your card. Here's your receipt. Thank you for shopping with us.

CUSTOMER
And thank you.

THE SALES ASSISTANT HANDS THE CUSTOMER A SHOPBAG, PRESUMABLY WITH THE CLOTHES SHE CAME IN. THE CUSTOMER SMILES AT HER AND TURNS TO LEAVE.

SALES ASSISTANT
Wait! You still have the price tag on.

WE SEE THAT THERE IS A LARGE STICKY LABEL WITH A BARCODE STUCK TO THE CUSTOMER'S BOTTOM. ASTONISHING HOW WE HAVEN'T NOTICED IT BEFORE REALLY.

THE SALES ASSITANT STEPS UP TO PEEL IT OFF

SALES ASSISTANT (CONT.)
There you go.

CUSTOMER
I wouldn't have wanted my husband to see that!

SALES ASSISTANT
I am sure he will adore the outfit.

CUSTOMER
Him? He never notices what I am wearing.

THE CUSTOMER WAVES AND EXITS ONTO THE STREET. THE TILLGIRL CRANES OVER THE COUNTER TO WATCH THE CUSTOMER LEAVE.

TILLGIRL
What a sensational outfit!

SALES ASSISTANT
Yes dear, though of course some women can wear anything.

TILLGIRL
Do we have it, do you know, in my size?

THE SALES ASSISTANT GIVES HER AN APPRAISING AND RATHER DOUBTFUL LOOK.

END.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

2 boys are walking down the road. One is dressed up as Freddy Kruger, the other is dressed as a mental person in a straitjacket.

FREDDY
It's been a good haul this Halloween.

Freddy shakes a bucket and it sounds full.

MENTAL
Ok so I forgot I'd have to carry a bucket around with me. At least I have the best costume.

FREDDY
Nah mine's well better.

MENTAL
You just wore a stripey jumper and sellotaped steak knives to your hand!

FREDDY
Yeah well at least I can move my arms.

MENTAL
Touche. Speaking of which, can you scratch my nose for me?

Freddy goes to scratch Mental's nose with his knife hand.

EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

A GROUP OF BURLY, HEAVILY TATTOOED BIKER-TYPE MEN SPILL OUT OF A PUB. THEY ARE ALL STAGGERING, NOISY AND CLEARLY DRUNK.

CUT TO DAY. ONE OF THE MEN IS TURNING KEY OF SHOP, HE WALKS INSIDE TO A TATTOO PARLOUR. HE POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF WATER AND DROPS ALKA-SELTZER INTO IT.

FX PHONE RINGING.

MAN:
Len's tattoos.

VOICE:
Alright Len.

MAN:
I'm anything but f**king alright Dave, I think Led Zep have reformed again... inside my head. Are you sober?

VOICE:
I'd f**king need to be, I've a tribal armband to do in an hour.

MAN:
Where'd we go after the Frog And Newt Dave? I can remember f**k all.

VOICE:
After the Frog And Newt? You wanna look at your left arm.

MAN PULLS UP SLEEVE OF ARM TO SHOW A BLANK BAND OF SKIN FIVE INCHES LONG BUT SURROUNDED BY TATTOOS.

MAN:
Hells f**king bells. Laser surgery, how f**king pissed was I?

VOICE:
You'd no money to pay for it either you c**t, you owe me 500 knicker.

MAN SIGHS AND HANGS UP.

TEXT READS

Sunday Sport Photoshoot 1889

CAMERA IS FOCUSED ON A PHOTOGRAPHER

PHOTOGRAPHER:

That's it show me a bit more, and the other onethat's lovely. Give me that naughty look, like they just popped out and you didn't realise it.
What would your husband say? rub them together for me.

CAMERA CUTS TO A WOMAN IN FULL VICTORIAN DRESS FLASHING HER ANKLES TO THE CAMERA

Skin flick by Pedro

Porno Theatre Int Night

Gavin is sat in the theatre concentrating fully on the screen, sex noises are audible. Gavin looks round nervously, cracks his knuckles and goes for his flies. At this point an Irish priest comes and sits down next to him; Gavin hurriedly does up his flies.

Gavin:
Can I help you?

Seamus:
You're a filthy little man aren't ya!

Gavin:
What! No I'm.....

Seamus:
Getting off on this filth! That's what you're doing. What is it? The girls kissing one another? Stickin' their tongues into each other like a pair of rabid lizards it's a sin, a SIN!

Gavin:
Look no I'm just killing time and.....

Seamus:
I can see it in your trousers, getting aroused by these disgusting images, close up's of cocks. COCKS! You filthy little man.

Gavin:
I'm sorry father. It's not the cocks it's the breasts. I love big breasts!

Seamus:
You dirty little eejit. They're for feeding children not for looking at and fiddling with yourself. Look now he's just covered her tit's with his sin! You should be ashamed of yourself. You're family are such good Catholics.

Gavin:
I'm sorry father I can't believe i've succumbed to the temptation. My wife..... My family I'm so ashamed. How do you put yourself through this filth to save lost souls, will you be off now ?

Seamus:
No, I've got to stick around my sisters in the next scene.

SKINCARE ADVERT.

Blotchy or flakey skin? Acne ridden?

Why not get rid of it all with our new exfoliator.
Epiderm-away launches a unique 3 pronged attack on skin problems.

Step 1- Bleach: We add a hint of domestos into our formula to bleach away those unsightly blotches.

Step 2- Moisturiser: Vegetable oil extracts, all sourced from local chippers are used to moisturise and add essential oilyness to your skin.

Step 3- Dehydration: Our unique blend of sand meticulously chosen from the driest deserts in the world will dry out the skin and clear up the acne caused by our previous ingredient.

The good news however is that the 2nd ingredient can again be used to moisturise the skin. Then the sand will combat this oilyness until the bleach eventually burns your skin off proper and you will never experience any skin problems again.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS VOICE:
All our products have been tested on animals with disastrous results. May also be used as a form of torture. Terms and conditions apply.

END.

A WOMAN IS SITTING AT A DESK. ON THE WALL BEHIND IS A SIGN THAT READS S.K.I.N
A YOUNG MAN ENTERS:

Man:
Hello is this SKIN ?

Woman:
Yes it is. Welcome to the Society for Kindness to & Integration with Northerners.

Man:
I need to visit up North fairly soon and was interested in your intensive week long course.

Woman:
Ok before we start, may I ask are you Cockney ?

Man:
No! My parents were both originally from Cockney, but I live just on the outskirts.

Woman:
Good, Good. Here at SKIN we find that Cockney folk, with their heel clicking happy go chirpy ways always find it hardest to integrate with folks from up North.

Man:
Why's that ?

Woman:
Mainly because Northerners hate them. Well at least the Northern folk who haven't attended courses with our sister organization SKIDS.

Man:
So what exactly does the course entail ?

Woman:
Well firstly we teach you a bit about Northerners & dispell some of the common myths.

Man:
Such as ?

Woman:
Well People still believe that Northerners all wear cloth caps, eat whippets for breakfast and everyones on benefits.

Man:
And that's not true then ?

Woman:
No. Only the men wear cloth caps, the women don't really wear very much at all.

Man:
Will you be teaching me how to communicate with them ?

Woman:
You'd need to go on the 3 year advanced course for that. Our aim is to get you to the point where they don't beat you up very much.

Man:
That sounds great. I'm definitely Interested.

Woman:
Have you had your shots ?

Man:
Oh I didn't know I'd need injections.

Woman:
No not those sort of shots. These
(WOMAN BRINGS UP TWO SHOT GLASSES FILLED WITH BROWN LIQUID)

Man:
Is that Gravy ?

Woman:
Of course, all northerners like a shot of Gravy once in a while.

Man:
There's so much I need to learn, where can I sign up ?

Woman:
It's £ 900 pounds for the week just pay at reception, course starts Monday.

Man:
Sounds great. Thankyou.
( LEAVES )

THE WOMAN SHAKES HER HEAD AND SMILES TO HERSELF

Woman: ( In strong Yorkshire accent )
Stupid Southern Twat. More money than brains.
Honestly! shots of gravy whoever heard of such a thing.

SHE LAUGHS TO HERSELF AND THEN BRINGS OUT A PINT OF GRAVY AND TAKES A BIG SWIG
AND GIVES THE GLASS A WINK

Woman: CONT
Eeeeh that's Champion.

My vote goest to Fred Sunshine

Really brilliant sketches this week. I was between about 5.

But, I'm going for Fred Sunshine as well, attacked the subject brilliantly.

SHOTS OF GRAVY! LMAO