SCENE 1. INT. CARERS CHARITY SHOP – DAY 1 8:45AM
ANNIE (FRUMPY, MID 50'S, SUBMISSIVE) IS DRESSING A SHOP MANNEQUIN. SHE PLACES SOME FANCY RED SHOES AT THE FEET AND STRAIGHTENS OUT THE MATCHING ELEGANT BALL GOWN.
EDITH (SHORT, SKINNY, LATE 50'S, AUTHORITIVE) BARGES HER OUT THE WAY AND STICKS A COAT OVER THE TOP AND A BASEBALL CAP ON THE HEAD
EDITH:
Have I not taught you anything about working in a charity shop?
This line sounds like bad exposition, it doesn't sound like a sentence a person would actually say. We should already know from the setting that it is a charity shop, this line is just over-emphasizing the point unneccesarily, I feel. It'd sound better as something simple like "You still don't get it do you?".
ANNIE:
Sorry Edie I just thought it might (PAUSE) you know (PAUSE) look pretty
You could probably cut this line and just combine Edith's sentences in to one, get straight to the point.
EDITH:
The more clothes on the dummy
EDITH & ANNIE:
The more chance of making money
DEBBIE (PRETTY TEENAGE GIRL) WALKS OUT OF THE BACK ROOM CARRYING A CHARITY BAG.
EDITH DOESN'T NOTICE HER AND JUST PEERS THROUGH THE CLOSED BLINDS.
EDITH:
Look at that. The busiest week of the charity shop year and they've got five bags.
Again, sounds like bad exposition.
SHE TURNS TO ANNIE AND DEBBIE WHO ARE NOW SEARCHING THROUGH THEIR ONLY CHARITY BAG
EDITH:
Five bags for an animal charity! It makes you feel sick. The last time we got five bags three of them were from Annie.
How many have we got today?
And again.
DEBBIE:
This is it
EDITH:
One bag! One Bag! (PAUSE) the busiest week of the charity shop calendar and we have got one bag!
And again.
DEBBIE:
Why is it the biggest week of the year?
EDITH:
It's freshers week at the university.
ANNIE:
What's that got to do with us?
EDITH:
It means an endless stream of students will be coming through our door wanting to be pirates, cavemen, superheroes.
Think Mr Benn times twenty thousand.
A fairly decent gag and sets up the plot well, probably could be structured a little better.
DEBBIE:
Won't they just go to the fancy dress shop?
EDITH:
They're students Debbie. They are notoriously tight with their money.
Just like our usual customers but with all the original parts.
ANNIE:
Well what are we going to do Edie?
EDITH:
Don't worry Annie. If we do this right it could be our most profitable week of the year. What have we got in that bag?
DEBBIE:
A puzzle.
EDITH:
Two pound.
DEBBIE:
It says twenty pieces missing.
EDITH:
A pound then.
DEBBIE:
It's only a twenty five piece puzzle.
Good gag
EDITH:
Forget the puzzle. What else?
Get rid.
ANNIE:
A skipping rope and a Jane Fonda workout tape.
EDITH:
That's more like it good girl Annie.
DEBBIE:
A wig.
EDITH:
Oh, This must my Mrs Andrews bag.
DEBBIE PUTS THE WIG ON AND STARTS MODELLING IT
DEBBIE:
Why would you donate a wig? Surely you don't want people to know you're bald.
EDITH:
I don't suppose she's too bothered.
DEBBIE:
Why not?
EDITH:
She died last week.
DEBBIE THROWS THE WIG TO THE FLOOR IN DISGUST
Good gag
EDITH:
Alright keep your wig on.
EDITH LAUGHS TO HERSELF AT HER BAD JOKE
Not sure about that line
EDITH:
I'm pretty sure she didn't die of a virulent strain of nits. Anyway that's a good start to our fancy dress pile.
ANNIE HOLDS UP A VIDEO
ANNIE:
Ooh. The Full Monty that's the last one we need.
ANNIE RISES TO HER FEET AGAIN AND SHUFFLES OVER TO A SHELVING AREA. CAMERA CUTS TO THE SHELF WHERE A WHOLE ROW OF FULL MONTY VIDEOS ALREADY SIT WITH ROOM FOR JUST ONE MORE. ANNIE ADDS THE VIDEO TO THE SHELF AND THEN SITS BACK DOWN.
Really like that gag
EDITH:
Are there any clothes in there?
DEBBIE LOOKS INTO THE BAG
DEBBIE:
Some.
EDITH:
Anything fancy dressish?
Could cut those three lines in to one and just have Edith say "Is there any thing fancy dressish in there?"
DEBBIE:
Not unless its nineteen eighties unfashionable pensioner night at the student union.
EDITH:
Not usually until the Friday no.
EDITH:
Annie get the local paper and read me the obituaries.
ANNIE PUSHES HERSELF UP AND WADDLES OUT TO THE BACK ROOM. SHE COMES BACK WITH THE PAPER READING OUT THE OBITUARIES.
ANNIE:
Barbara Jennings forever in our hearts.
EDITH:
What a shame.
DEBBIE:
Was she a friend?
EDITH:
Not really, but her husband was a pilot. If only it were him. We could have got £20 for an authentic pilot outfit.
Really nice gag and I love the idea behind it
ANNIE:
What about (PAUSE) Mary Ann Davis, you will be sorely missed.
EDITH:
Excellent. She was in the Chideock players she must have a few costumes left over. Get me some charity bags.
ANNIE RUSHES OUT TO THE BACKROOM AGAIN.
EDITH:
I'll pop in to the care home on the way back they must have something for us in lost property after the amount of money we sent their way last year.
DEBBIE:
How does someone in a care home lose their clothes, they never leave!
EDITH:
Well they don't technically.
DEBBIE:
What do you mean technically?
EDITH:
Well if anyone has anything particularly nice in the wardrobe the staff "lose it" in the washing.
DEBBIE:
That's totally immoral. I'm here to help these people not steal from them.
EDITH:
Don't be so airy fairy. This is the modern age of the charity worker. We've got eBay to contend with and we can't possibly compete with Primark's prices.
DEBBIE:
All the same I don't think we should be stealing from the people we are meant to help.
EDITH:
It all goes back to them in the end. Most of them in there can't even remember to get dressed anyway let alone choose an outfit.
DEBBIE:
(SHOCKED) Edith
A good idea, but goes on a bit too long, needs reworking
EDITH RUSTLES AROUND UNDER THE COUNTER AND COMES OUT WITH AN EYE PATCH ON AND HOLDING A WALKING STICK.
ANNIE SHUFFLES BACK IN AND GIVES THE CHARITY BAGS TO EDITH.
EDITH:
How do I look?
DEBBIE:
Like a pirate
EDITH:
You're right. I can use this in the fancy dress section. Right now you two tidy this place up, but make sure you go through all those clothes first.
EDITH GOES TO LEAVE
EDITH:
Oh, and what is the golden rule about checking clothes Annie.
ANNIE:
If the trousers are wet, wash your hands don't forget.
EDITH:
Not that one. Check every zip and every pocket, follow this tip and your profits will rocket.
I like these little phrases they have, good insight to the characters
EDITH GOES TO LEAVE AGAIN
DEBBIE:
Do you really think we should be troubling these people, their grieving.
EDITH:
They put an advert in the paper.
DEBBIE:
That's not an advert it's a death notice.
Nice gag
EDITH:
Well if the bereaved won't bring the bags to us, we will go and get them ourselves.
DEBBIE:
How tactless
EDITH:
What are you talking about. These are classic charity shop tactics. You have a lot to learn my girl. I'd be surprised if her over the road hasn't already pounced on them.
Now get this place sorted and check those pockets.
Again that last sentence could do with cutting down and rewording
Overall some good ideas and definite potential. One of the very first scripts I ever wrote was based in a charity shop.
Keep at it, but don't be too quick to send it out, make sure it is the best it can possibly be. 
