Let me know what you think!!

Hi guys,

Just finished writing a scene for my sitcom pilot, just wanted some feedback -

INT. EMILY'S HOUSE – DAYTIME

Jonas enters the house on tip toes. He shuts the door quietly. The faint sound of a female can be heard coming from the bedroom.

Jonas opens the bedroom door and walks in the room. Emily is in the bed with another man. Jonas stops and pauses.

EMILY
This isn't what it looks like.

The bathroom door opens and out walks two more men and a woman. They are all naked. One of the men is holding a mug. Jonas stares looking shocked.

RANDOM
Are you here for the gang bang?

EMILY
Sssshhhhhh

JONAS
(shocked)
What's in the mug? Is that tea?

The man looks a little puzzled and nod's yes. Jonas scans the room and notices a tea pot on the window ledge.

JONAS (CONT)
Hold on a second is that my tea pot? Your using my tea pot. Your having sex and tea, tea and sex, tea and sex, how come every time I come round for sex we have red wine? (getting louder)If I knew tea was an option I would have taken it.

Jonas turns and storms out of the room. The room remains silent.

Jonas comes walking back in. He grabs his tea pot from the window ledge.

JONAS (CONT)
Oh and just so you all know no pone does orgies anymore, let the sixties go and get a life.

Jonas walks out of the room clutching his teapot. The room remains silent.

I thought this was very funny but the last line doesn't seem right somehow although it depends what follows that I suppose.
orgies....they call 'em swing parties today....orgies by any other name.
What if he sniffs the teapot and says
'Oh and just so you'll all know, they don't do teabags anymore, it's herbal. Try Raspberry, it's nice.'
.........................

or somethin'

Quote: bushbaby @ April 10 2009, 6:40 PM BST

I thought this was very funny but the last line doesn't seem right somehow although it depends what follows that I suppose.
orgies....they call 'em swing parties today....orgies by any other name.
What if he sniffs the teapot and says
'Oh and just so you'll all know, they don't do teabags anymore, it's herbal. Try Raspberry, it's nice.'
.........................

or somethin'

View original

Yeah there is something not right with that last line..... will revise

Quote: Darren Pomroy @ April 10 2009, 11:08 AM BST

Oh and just so you all know no one does orgies anymore, let the sixties go and get a life.

View original

Oh yes they do.

Quote: Darren Pomroy @ April 10 2009, 11:08 AM BST

Oh and just so you all know no pone does orgies anymore, let the sixties go and get a life.

View original

Just so you know; in the sixties orgies were popularly known as 'love-ins' - it's now that they're orgies. Oh - and they still do them (so the Mrs tells me).

I think his Jonas character is shocked and is just trying to get one over on them, so I think it makes sense.

Can't really see where it is all going though. Could do with a longer extract.

I'm with Tom on this, the extract is fine but doesn't really illuminate the characters very much for me without a longer extract.

I had less of a problem with the last line than most but was confused about the female lead's response. She seems a bit embarrassed but makes little attempt to brazen it out, or talk her way out of it. OK for a sketch but probably needs to say more about her/their relationship in a sitcom.