Reminded me a bit of a television show I watched in the 90's called Stone Boy.
A Novel Idea By Leevil Page 2
Quote: don rushmore @ April 9 2009, 5:22 PM BSTReminded me a bit of a television show I watched in the 90's called Stone Boy.
Did he have a sidekick called 'lb Boy' ?
Upon a hill, all alone,
Stands a boy, made of stone
Some marble, some limestone, some granite.
And right by his side
Truly monolith wide
'is his girlfriend
who's Janet from Thanet
Now one Easter day
With the pigeons at play......
oops sorry Leevil, got carried away for a minute there.
Beautiful Marc, beautiful.
I enjoyed it. I kind of got the impression that the boy is a mountain, but I could be way off the mark. Either way, nice.
Maybe I'm too pedantic here, but the change in tense between the first paragraph (past tense) to the rest (present) is distracting. Other than that, an interesting start.
It has potential as an idea, but it's a million miles away from being at publishable standard. Terms like "in cahoots" and "nodded off" should not come from the narrators lips/images don't get burned onto ones eyelids, do they?/ "fade in"??? /"different shape clouds"??? aren't all clouds different shaped.? And what position is he laying in, when he can see the grass, the hills and the clouds? The first line is a very good one. The last line ......"but it fascinates him greatly", is awful. Not easy this writing lark is it?
I liked it. I found it lyrical and intriguing, which I expect was the intention.
Krusty has a point.
Quote: Blobster @ April 10 2009, 4:06 PM BSTMaybe I'm too pedantic here, but the change in tense between the first paragraph (past tense) to the rest (present) is distracting. Other than that, an interesting start.
Agree. The comments about what language to use to describe falling asleep et cetera! Well! *Yawn*. Nice opening to a story. Give us some more Lee.
Quote: KRUSTY @ April 10 2009, 7:47 PM BSTNot easy this writing lark is it?
Krusty don't be a clown.
Does it all turn out to be a dream and in fact it is the person who finds the boy that is the one who lost his memory and the first half of the book is his fantasy?
Sorry, that's Mulholland Drive.
Or the camera could pull out to reveal the mountain's in a snow globe.
Thank you guys, nice to come back to lots of feedback.
Thanks for the pointers Krusty, I'm here to learn, so honest feedback is most welcome.
Quote: Blobster @ April 10 2009, 4:06 PM BSTMaybe I'm too pedantic here, but the change in tense between the first paragraph (past tense) to the rest (present) is distracting. Other than that, an interesting start.
Yeah, I'm currently deciding which way to go; and to stick with it. Thanks.
Quote: Balf @ April 9 2009, 9:01 PM BSTI enjoyed it. I kind of got the impression that the boy is a mountain, but I could be way off the mark. Either way, nice.
I like that idea, it's not it, but I'm going to steal this in some way. 