First Sketch: Cold Caller

I don't particularly like sketches, probably because I never get any ideas, but I wrote one ages ago and thought it's about time someone see's something I've written besides my friends. Some of my friends didn't get it, but that can't be down to bad writing!
Anyway, here it is.

Int. Pub
Landlord is talking with a punter as the phone is ringing.

RING RING
RING RING
RING RING

Landlord: Bloody hell, this phone has been ringing for the past 2 minutes. You'd think they'd give up.

Punter 1: You'd better answer it Dave, must be important.

LANDLORD ANSWERS

Landlord (on phone): Hello? Yeah, I haven't really got the time mate. Yeah, uhuh (getting increasingly agitated)

Landlord (to punter): It's only a bloody cold caller from Outer -Mongolia trying to sell me fridges.

Punter: Jeffing hell

Landlord (back on phone): Yeah, look I'm busy. Yeah. Yeah. Right that's it mate, I don't want your type round here okay? You and all the others like you would be locked up if I had my way. You better not ring this number again, you hear!

SLAMS DOWN PHONE

PUNTER LOOKS HORRIFIED

Landlord: Right, what can I get you?

Punter: Bit racist wasn't it Dave?

Landlord: What you talking about? He was trying to sell me CFC ones.

Punter: No way!! (pause) The f**king gypsy

The moral of the story, kids, is stick to R134a/R404a refrigerant.

Quote: Ben @ April 9 2009, 4:54 PM BST

The moral of the story, kids, is stick to R134a/R404a refrigerant.

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Are they the walk in ones? It's my dream to have one of them ever since I saw "The Shining". I have a walk in wardrobe, but it's not quite the same.

Remember that writing with a whimper not a biro is not a good idea, especially if read from a strawberry-flavoured Sea King Helicopter. Therefore, the less gags written into the final draft, the more they are likely to be laughed at by a spartan predator with a drug induced hippie stare. Hope that helps.

Quote: Morrace @ April 9 2009, 5:22 PM BST

Remember that writing with a whimper not a biro is not a good idea, especially if read from a strawberry-flavoured Sea King Helicopter. Therefore, the less gags written into the final draft, the more they are likely to be laughed at by a spartan predator with a drug induced hippie stare. Hope that helps.

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I was going to say the same thing.

Sorry Mickeza, they get like this with new people.

Quote: Morrace @ April 9 2009, 5:22 PM BST

Remember that writing with a whimper not a biro is not a good idea, especially if read from a strawberry-flavoured Sea King Helicopter. Therefore, the less gags written into the final draft, the more they are likely to be laughed at by a spartan predator with a drug induced hippie stare. Hope that helps.

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I'm afraid it doesn't. I think what your saying is that in order for a sketch to work it needs to be funny, which, if you don't mind me saying, is a rather outdated and old fashioned view to sketch writing, and a philosophy that is at odds with my own.

Quote: Mickeza @ April 9 2009, 5:00 PM BST

Are they the walk in ones?

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No, just the names of refrigerant gases most often used in commercial refrigeration. They're environmently friendly as opposed to, say, R12

Quote: Morrace @ April 9 2009, 5:22 PM BST

Remember that writing with a whimper not a biro is not a good idea, especially if read from a strawberry-flavoured Sea King Helicopter. Therefore, the less gags written into the final draft, the more they are likely to be laughed at by a spartan predator with a drug induced hippie stare. Hope that helps.

View original

Quote: Mickeza @ April 9 2009, 5:45 PM BST

I'm afraid it doesn't. I think what your saying is that in order for a sketch to work it needs to be funny, which, if you don't mind me saying, is a rather outdated and old fashioned view to sketch writing, and a philosophy that is at odds with my own.

View original

So what's this all about, then?
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Quote: Mickeza @ September 13 2008, 11:28 PM BST

Hi, my name is Mike In reality I am 20 and a student at Cardiff University who loves watching comedy and has recently decided attempting to write some.

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Quote: Morrace @ April 9 2009, 6:19 PM BST

So what's this all about, then?
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Sketch Writing does not equal Comedy writing Watson, not for me anyway as you can see.

Quote: Morrace @ April 9 2009, 5:22 PM BST

Remember that writing with a whimper not a biro is not a good idea, especially if read from a strawberry-flavoured Sea King Helicopter. Therefore, the less gags written into the final draft, the more they are likely to be laughed at by a spartan predator with a drug induced hippie stare. Hope that helps.

View original

Quote: Mickeza @ April 9 2009, 5:45 PM BST

I'm afraid it doesn't. I think what your saying is that in order for a sketch to work it needs to be funny, which, if you don't mind me saying, is a rather outdated and old fashioned view to sketch writing, and a philosophy that is at odds with my own.

View original

So what's this all about, then?
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Quote: Mickeza @ September 13 2008, 11:28 PM BST

Hi, my name is Mike In reality I am 20 and a student at Cardiff University who loves watching comedy and has recently decided attempting to write some.

View original

Quote: Mickeza @ April 9 2009, 6:32 PM BST

Sketch Writing does not equal Comedy writing Watson, not for me anyway as you can see.

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So when you said that you are one, "who loves watching comedy and has recently decided attempting (sic) to write some" - you didn't mean, 'write some comedy' - you actually meant 'decided attempting (sic) to write some unfunny sketches'.

Congratulations - you succeeded!

.

Might have worked better if you'd said *those* types, if referring to the fridges. Kudos for having the guts to post here, but it did not work for me. It takes a thick skin to do this sort of stuff. Me and my partner have not had a paying gig for what seems like forever, but we're probably just stubborn.

Quote: Morrace @ April 9 2009, 7:04 PM BST

So what's this all about, then?
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So when you said that you are one, "who loves watching comedy and has recently decided attempting (sic) to write some" - you didn't mean, 'write some comedy' - you actually meant 'decided attempting (sic) to write some unfunny sketches'.

Congratulations - you succeeded!

.

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Actually I wouldn't have, as this is only one sketch, and is the only sketch I've ever written and will ever write. So technically I would have failed at trying to fail.

Quote: Braff @ April 9 2009, 10:02 PM BST

Might have worked better if you'd said *those* types, if referring to the fridges. Kudos for having the guts to post here, but it did not work for me. It takes a thick skin to do this sort of stuff. Me and my partner have not had a paying gig for what seems like forever, but we're probably just stubborn.
.

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Don't worry mate, I know it is rubbish, I would never post something I thought was good on a website full of mainly unsuccesful comedy writers. I hate sketch shows, and definitely can't write them and nor do I wish to. I only posted something as I felt in order to use this site I probably should post something.

Quote: Mickeza @ April 9 2009, 10:17 PM BST

Don't worry mate, I know it is rubbish, I would never post something I thought was good on a website full of mainly unsuccesful comedy writers. I hate sketch shows, and definitely can't write them and nor do I wish to. I only posted something as I felt in order to use this site I probably should post something.

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So this ....

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Quote: Mickeza @ September 13 2008, 11:28 PM BST

Hi, my name is Mike and I am a recovering alcoholic (obvious joke alert!!). In reality I am 20 and a student at Cardiff University who loves watching comedy and has recently decided attempting to write some. I have lurked for about 2 months and have finally plucked up the courage to join. Hopefully I will post a few more times before I am scared off by the truthful and justified critique any work I post recieves, and maybe get to know a few of you before this inevitable event occurs. My favourite television writer would have to be Aaron Sorkin and my favourite sitcom changes every day, but I can say with great certainty that it has never been a sitcom broadcast on Channel 5. Thanks for watching and Goodnight.

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...should really read ....

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"Hi, my name is Mike. In reality I am 20 and a student at Cardiff University. I have lurked for about 2 months and have finally plucked up the courage to join a website full of mainly unsuccesful comedy writers. I hate sketch shows, and definitely can't write them and nor do I wish to."

Thanks for watching and Goodnight."

.

Quote: Morrace @ April 9 2009, 11:24 PM BST

So this ....

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...should really read ....

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"Hi, my name is Mike. In reality I am 20 and a student at Cardiff University. I have lurked for about 2 months and have finally plucked up the courage to join a website full of mainly unsuccesful comedy writers. I hate sketch shows, and definitely can't write them and nor do I wish to."

Thanks for watching and Goodnight."

.

View original

Definitely, fancy becoming my secretary?