Here is the first scene from my latest sitcom. It's an early draft but wanted to get some reaction to it.
SCENE 1. INT. CARERS CHARITY SHOP – DAY 1 8:45AM
ANNIE (FRUMPY, MID 50'S, SUBMISSIVE) IS DRESSING A SHOP MANNEQUIN. SHE PLACES SOME FANCY RED SHOES AT THE FEET AND STRAIGHTENS OUT THE MATCHING ELEGANT BALL GOWN.
EDITH (SHORT, SKINNY, LATE 50'S, AUTHORITIVE) BARGES HER OUT THE WAY.
EDITH:
Have I not taught you anything about working in a charity shop?
ANNIE:
Sorry Edie I just thought it might (PAUSE) you know (PAUSE) look pretty
EDITH:
The more clothes on the dummy
EDITH PLACES A BASEBALL CAP ON TOP OF THE MANNEQUIN AND A BOMBER JACKET OVER THE DRESS
EDITH & ANNIE:
The more chance of making money
DEBBIE (PRETTY TEENAGE GIRL) WALKS OUT OF THE BACK ROOM CARRYING A CHARITY BAG.
EDITH DOESN'T NOTICE HER AND JUST PEERS THROUGH THE CLOSED BLINDS.
EDITH:
Look at that. Five bags for an animal charity! It makes you feel sick. I blame Rolf Harris for this, if he ever comes round here I'll show him where to stick is didgeridoo.
SHE TURNS TO ANNIE AND DEBBIE WHO ARE NOW SEARCHING THROUGH THEIR ONLY CHARITY BAG
EDITH:
One bag! (PAUSE) the busiest week of the charity shop calendar and we have got one bag! How are we supposed to take care of this country's old people if they won't have the common decency to die and leave us their old clothes.
DEBBIE:
Why is it the biggest week of the year?
EDITH:
Its fresher's week at the university.
ANNIE:
What's that got to do with us?
EDITH:
It means an endless stream of students will be coming through our door wanting to be pirates, cavemen, superheroes.
Think Mr Benn times twenty thousand.
DEBBIE:
Won't they just go to the fancy dress shop?
EDITH:
They're students Debbie. Tight as a Scottish coach party.
Just like our usual customers but with all their original parts. Now what have we got in that bag?
DEBBIE:
A puzzle.
EDITH:
Two pound.
DEBBIE:
It says twenty pieces missing.
EDITH:
A pound then.
DEBBIE:
It's only a twenty five piece puzzle.
EDITH:
Forget the puzzle. What else?
ANNIE:
A skipping rope.
EDITH TAKES THE ROPE OF ANNIE AND EXAMINES IT
EDITH:
That's the third time that skipping rope has come through our doors. It's bought more bags our way than flu this year.
DEBBIE:
A wig.
EDITH:
Oh, This must be Mrs Andrews bag.
DEBBIE PUTS THE WIG ON AND STARTS MODELLING IT
DEBBIE:
Why would you donate a wig?
EDITH:
She probably don't need it anymore.
DEBBIE:
Why not? Has she had one of those hair transplants?
EDITH:
No, she died last week.
DEBBIE THROWS THE WIG TO THE FLOOR IN DISGUST
EDITH:
Alright keep your wig on.
EDITH LAUGHS TO HERSELF AT HER BAD JOKE
EDITH:
I'm pretty sure she didn't die of a virulent strain of dandruff. Anyway that's a good start to our fancy dress pile.
ANNIE HOLDS UP A VIDEO
ANNIE:
Ooh. The Full Monty that's the last one we need.
ANNIE RISES TO HER FEET AGAIN AND SHUFFLES OVER TO A SHELVING AREA. CAMERA CUTS TO THE SHELF WHERE A WHOLE ROW OF FULL MONTY VIDEOS ALREADY SIT WITH ROOM FOR JUST ONE MORE. ANNIE ADDS THE VIDEO TO THE SHELF AND THEN SITS BACK DOWN.
EDITH:
Are there any clothes in there that we could sell as fancy dress?
DEBBIE LOOKS INTO THE BAG
DEBBIE:
Not unless its nineteen eighties unfashionable pensioner night at the student union.
EDITH:
Is it?
DEBBIE:
I doubt it.
EDITH:
Hmm, Annie get the local paper and read me the obituaries.
ANNIE PUSHES HERSELF UP AND WADDLES OUT TO THE BACK ROOM. SHE COMES BACK WITH THE PAPER READING OUT THE OBITUARIES.
ANNIE:
Barbara Jennings forever in our hearts.
EDITH:
What a shame.
DEBBIE:
Was she a friend?
EDITH:
Not but I know her husband. He was a pilot in the Battle of Britain. A real hero - flew over fifty missions.
THE OTHERS LOOK RESPECTFULLY SAD.
EDITH
If only it were him we could have got £20 for an authentic pilot outfit.
ANNIE:
What about (PAUSE) Mary Ann Davis, you will be sorely missed.
EDITH:
Excellent. She was in the Chideock players she must have a few costumes left over. Mind you she's played the back end of a pantomime horse for the last five years.
DEBBIE:
Not a great loss to the acting world then.
EDITH:
Oh yes she was a great actress. She had a terrible stoop towards the end though and she just got typecast.
DEBBIE:
How terrible.
EDITH:
Yes and to add insult to injury the pantomime this year is The Hunchback of Notre Dame, she was a shoe in.
Right now you two tidy this place up, but make sure you go through all those clothes first.
EDITH GOES TO LEAVE
EDITH:
Oh, and what is the golden rule about checking clothes Annie.
ANNIE:
If the clothes smell a bit then it's probably...
EDITH:
Not that one. Remember, if the person has died there might be money inside.
EDITH GOES TO LEAVE AGAIN
DEBBIE:
Do you really think we should be troubling these people, they're loved ones have only just died.
EDITH:
They put an advert in the paper.
DEBBIE:
That's not an advert it's a death notice.
EDITH:
Well if the bereaved won't bring the bags to us, we will go and get them ourselves. Think of me as the charity shops Robin Hood.
DEBBIE:
I think of you more as robbing (PAUSE) old people.
EDITH:
You have a lot to learn my girl. I'd be surprised if her over the road hasn't already pounced on them.
Now get this place sorted and check those pockets.
EDITH LEAVES THE SHOP
