Can you take a look at my sketch please

(Sorry about the format, its because its come from a script writing programme)

ext.countryside.day

Three hikers are walking in the country side. There are two males and a female. The female character looks uncomfortable.

JOHN

See I personally don't believe that there is such thing as a credit crunch.

MATT

How do you mean?

JOHN

Well I think its just something the government has made up to scare us into preventing global warming.

BECCA

Guys I really need a wee.

MATT

Just go in a bush, no one can see you

BECCA

Yea but you can

MATT

Well we won't look

JOHN

Speak for your self

BECCA

See!

MATT

Hes Joking, John shut up, look there's a ditch there, go in there. We'll walk ahead a little make sure nobody's walking towards you.

BECCA

Oh god, ok, but promise me you won't look around

MATT

I promise

BECCA

And you John you pervert

JOHN

Eh that never went to court

Becca looks angry

JOHN

I'm joking I promise I will not look around.

Becca doesn't looked convinced

JOHN

On my mums life. Just do it, we want to make it back in time for the East enders omni bus.

Becca walks back a little and gets into the ditch. JOHN and MATT carry on walking forward a little

MATT

I'm sure the government have easier ways for us to combat global warming.

In the background we see a bear come out of the trees and towards BECCA.BECCA begins to scream and shout.

JOHN

Thats the thing, as a nation it takes a huge scare for us to actually pull our thumb out and do anything.

BECCA is now fighting with the bear. Beating it with her walking stick and shouting.

MATT

(without looking back)

You can't fool us Becca, we are not perverts despite what you have heard. Yea but why a credit crunch? It doesn't make any sense. Why not tell us the world will end in a fortnight if we don't turn off our telly's from the mains at night?

the bear is beaten off by BECCA and it runs off. She continues her business in the ditch.

JOHN

People won't believe it, that and as a nation we need someone to blame because....

JOHN spots a rarely spotted wood pigeon

Oh! a rarely spotted wood pigeon!

JOHN and MATT follow the wood pigeon round until they are both looking in the direction of BECCA.

BECCA

Perverts!

Well I liked it Matt, the oly thing that didn't ring true was them worried about getting back in time for the EastEnders omnibus.

Agree with Marc about the EastEnders not quite fitting but, on the whole, I liked it. Laughed a couple of times.

Yeah, this is not as bad as I thought at first. it's got a proper punchline so you're ahead of the game in that respect. Cut some of the flabby bits out of the middle, tighten the dialogue in general and you've got a pretty damn good sketch. Good work!

I think a lot of the dialogue could be cut.

Also if these are experienced hikers then things like wee breaks wouldn't be a problem. Though I had to once stop next to a deserted railway line on one long walk. Only it wasn't a deserted railway line and a steam train full of day trippers happened to chug by with much waving from passengers.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ April 8 2009, 1:54 PM BST

I think a lot of the dialogue could be cut.

Also if these are experienced hikers then things like wee breaks wouldn't be a problem. Though I had to once stop next to a deserted railway line on one long walk. Only it wasn't a deserted railway line and a steam train full of day trippers happened to chug by with much waving from passengers.

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Are you Jenny Agutter?

Quote: Marc P @ April 8 2009, 1:59 PM BST

Are you Jenny Agutter?

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Only when I wave my red bloomers.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ April 8 2009, 1:54 PM BST

Though I had to once stop next to a deserted railway line on one long walk. Only it wasn't a deserted railway line and a steam train full of day trippers happened to chug by with much waving from passengers.

View original

Funniest thing I've read in 'critique'. Not that I'm reading a lot of it, you'll understand.

Quote: Kenneth @ April 8 2009, 2:20 PM BST

Funniest thing I've read in 'critique'. Not that I'm reading a lot of it, you'll understand.

View original

My husband thought it was funny. He just stood there and laughed, whilst the dogs just tried to knock me over.

Very good dialogue, and left me wanting more. Personally, think it would be even funnier if Matt and John were oblivious to her screams?

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ April 8 2009, 2:23 PM BST

My husband

View original

Least funny thing I've read in 'critique'. Not that I'm desperate, you'll understand.

Hey Matt, welcome to the forums.

I love your sketch.

The characters are believable and funny and the situation you put them in was comedy for all. Would like to see them in some other situations too...or perhaps you have already?

I think you could definitely build on these characters. I could see them climbing their way out of a sketch and into a sitcom, perhaps?

Thanks for sharing,
Craig

Funny punchline but waaaay too much guff along the way. Get to the point and cut out all the Eastenders, credit crunch, court case bull.

If I may...

It seems like there are two jokes here, or rather two punchlines, when there should only be one.

Personally I think you need to decide whether to pursue the 'bear' joke or the 'pigeon' joke. Obviously you need to make it as funny as possible but having two 'moments' competing against each other in the same sketch just seems a bit off to me.

Thank you for all your responses. Il cut down the diolouge as this seems to be an issue. And im sorry to here about your misfortune Doller Dagger. Although it is funny! The eastenders omni bus gag was there purely for the reason that it doesn't fit. The thought of Johns character being interested in East Enders amused me, but still good feed back. Thanks