Sitcom: first 10 pages

My most recent project, format's a bit dodgy but readable I think.

The project centres around a woman, Kate, who is trying to keep her new catering business going and generally hold her life together after the break-up of her marriage. Her ex husband is running the outfit they built up together and is her main competitor. As he schemes to put her out of business and clear the way for his expansion, Kate turns to her friends for help.

INT. KATE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

A LARGE UNTIDY BEDROOM IN A VICTORIAN SEMI.
ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK, A SLEEPING FIGURE IS EVIDENT LYING FULLY CLOTHED ON TOP OF THE BED.
THE ONLY LIGHT COMES FROM THE ALARM CLOCK. 5:27AM.
A MOBILE STARTS TO CHIRP.
A HAND REACHES UP AND SMACKS THE ALARM CLOCK, KNOCKING IT ONTO THE FLOOR.
THE MOBILE IS STILL CHIRPING.
THE HAND BEGINS GROPING AROUND ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE UNTIL IT FINDS THE PHONE.

KATE
Do you know what time it is?... Is it? O. Right. Sorry.... Go ahead. What? You can't have. Don't you check them regularly? When I was married to Nick he used to check his all the time.... But I need you. Look.... If it's only twisted that's OK right? It's not come off or anything? Matt, you're a chef not a gigolo. What you do in your own time is up to you but I trust you weren't planning to use your testicles in my kitchen. A fixation? How long does that take? What am I supposed to do about the wedding?... Stick it up my.... O, they're doing that to you... right now... Ergh. Yep. No. Call me later....

SHE HANGS UP.

KATE
Bugger.

THE ALARM GOES OFF. KATE LOOKS ON THE FLOOR FOR THE CLOCK, OVER STRETCHES AND FALLS OFF THE BED.

KATE
Ow.

INT./EXT. KATE'S DOORSTEP - DAY

A WELL MAINTAINED VICTORIAN SEMI.
JONATHON, 40'S, IS STANDING ON THE STEP, RINGING THE BELL.
KATE ANSWERS. SHE IS LATE 30'S AND LOOKS IT. EXHAUSTED, IN YESTERDAY'S CLOTHES AND WITH CRAZY HAIR, SHE HAS A TOOTHBRUSH IN HER MOUTH AND THE PHONE IN HER HAND.
SHE TAKES THE TOOTHBRUSH OUT AND LOOKS AT JONATHON.

KATE
Holding.... Holding holding holding....

SHE CONTINUES BRUSHING.

JONATHON
Morning.

SHE STOPS BRUSHING.

KATE
Yes, hello. Hi.... No one. You're sure?... Well, could you double check.... I know. Well, quadruple check or... hello? Hello?.... She hung up.

JONATHON
Can't imagine why.

KATE
Thanks for coming.

SHE PULLS A FACE, THEN SNIFFS HER UNDER ARMS.

KATE
I need a shower.... I'll be two minutes. Put the kettle on.

INT. KATE'S KITCHEN - DAY

A WELL DESIGNED GALLEY STYLE KITCHEN.
EVERYWHERE IS SPOTLESS. A RAIL OF A DOZEN COOKING KNIVES OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES ON ONE WALL.
THERE IS THE SOUND OF A TOILET FLUSHING AND JONATHON EMERGES FROM THE LOBBY AT THE FAR END OF THE ROOM JUST AS KATE ENTERS, DRYING HER HAIR WITH A TOWEL.

KATE
Have I got underwear draped over the radiator?

JONATHON
You do know that leopard's been on the endangered species list since the 1960's?

SHE SMILES.

KATE
It's not real leopard.

JONATHON
It felt pretty real.

HE STROKES HIS CHEEK.

KATE
You're sick.

JONATHON
So, what's your problem?

KATE
Massive cock up.....

JONATHON
Finally. Well done.

SHE IGNORES HIM.

KATE
To cut a long story short....

JONATHON
First time for everything....

KATE
Look, this is serious.... Matt's called in sick. Twisted testicle.

JONATHON
I'm not surprised if you speak to him like that.

KATE
He has... a twisted testicle.

JONATHON FACE LOOKS PAINED.

JONATHON
How'd he get that?

KATE
I don't know. But I intend to find out. And when I do, I'm going to twist the other one for him for landing me in the.... Mire.

JONATHON
Can they do anything?

KATE
Still checking. But he'll probably need a testicular fixation or something.

JONATHON
Haven't you got one of those?

KATE
This is no time for jokes.

JONATHON
Who's joking?

KATE
Look... I've got this big high profile wedding do tomorrow.. and I can't find anyone...

JONATHON
To go with?

KATE
To help... do the catering.

JONATHON
It's never the fun thing with you is it?

KATE
So, my options. One. Phone the bride and tell her she's not going to get any Breakfast.

JONATHON
Well I haven't had any breakfast...

KATE
Two. I beg my friend..

SHE POINTS AT JONATHON

KATE
... To help me out... and try and muddle through as best I can.

JONATHON
Tell me there's more.

KATE
You pretend to kidnap me.. and we lay low for a couple of days until the heat dies down.

JONATHON
How long have you been working on this?

KATE
Most of the night.

JONATHON
Well done.

KATE
Thank you.

JONATHON
OK. I'm guessing option one is out because if we had the balls for the direct approach, we wouldn't need options two and three.

KATE
On my wavelength.

JONATHON
So, as you've been to dinner parties at my house....

KATE
Very.. very good food....

JONATHON
Which you cook....

SHE ACKNOWLEDGES THIS.

JONATHON
I'll pop home and get my balaclava and a starting pistol then.

SHE DOESN'T REACT.

KATE
I suppose I could call Nick and get him to do it. I know he's just waiting for me to fail so he can jump in and save the day.

JONATHON
That's your paranoia speaking.

KATE
O no it isn't. We're both chasing a contract at the football stadium. I've got the upper hand because I'm doing the owner's family wedding tomorrow and Nick is desperate to ruin things for me. He's a conniving back-stabbing company grabbing.... Ooo... nasty piece of work.

JONATHON
You probably shouldn't 've married him then.

KATE
With hindsight, I probably shouldn't 've worn flares in the 70's. Or shoulder pads in the 80's. Or got really really drunk and kissed Jessica Panting.

JONATHON'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN.

KATE
With tongues.

JONATHON
That's not hindsight. It's... a perfect vision.

KATE
Have you ever thought about being a comedian?

JONATHON
I've thought about being Lenny Henry once or twice. I've got a massive crush on Dawn French.

HER MOBILE RINGS.

KATE
Hello? Yes, yes it's Katy, Stephie.. Hi.. No, I'm good, how are... yes nervous. I would be too. I was, in fact.... Yes, Stephie, everything is fine. No, all on schedule. Yes. No, I'll look forward to it. Good luck. Bye bye.

SHE STICKS HER HAND INTO HER MOUTH AND BITES INTO IT.

KATE
Aaaagggghhhh! Why do I allow myself to say these things? There was a perfect opportunity to let her down and.... No. That's just me all over isn't it?

SHE LOOKS AT JONATHON.

JONATHON
Call her back.

KATE
I can't call her back. How would that look. She'll think I'm an idiot.

JONATHON
She's gonna know you're an idiot come this time tomorrow. You're just putting off the inevitable.

SHE SHAKES HER HEAD.

KATE
No. I'm doing it. With or without your help.

JONATHON
It's not that I don't want to help... But I don't know one end of a kitchen knife from the other.

KATE
Then I won't throw you in at the sharp end.

JONATHON
Look, is there anybody else? You've got other friends?

KATE
Who work.

JONATHON
I work.

SHE COCKS HER HEAD TO ONE SIDE.

JONATHON
Sometimes.... Well what about Annie?

KATE
Annie is generally very busy.... and she's allergic to hard work.

JONATHON
Got to be worth asking?

INT. KATE'S KITCHEN - DAY

JONATHON IS LEANING AGAINST THE CUPBOARDS EATING TOAST.
KATE ENTERS WEARING HER CHEFS WHITES. CRAZY TROUSERS.

KATE
Turns out the only thing Annie hates more than working, is my ex husband. And Pilates.

HE TAKES THE TOAST FROM HIS MOUTH AND STARES AT IT.

JONATHON
Of Penzance, or the Caribbean? Both pretty dire, actually. (then) Your butter tastes a bit funny.

KATE
Could be goose fat?

JONATHON
That explains the vague poultry tinge to the Marmite.

KATE
We need to get a shift on. Annie's going to meet us about 9.00.

JONATHON
O good.

KATE
Can you feel that?

SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

JONATHON
What?

KATE
Life, grabbing you by the balls.

JONATHON
I thought that was you.

KATE
Grrrr.

All fine, but where's it going? Could you maybe try and sum up in a sentence or two what the sitcom's about?

I liked the 'massive cock up' line.

Quote: shaggy292 @ March 4 2009, 12:57 PM GMT

All fine, but where's it going? Could you maybe try and sum up in a sentence or two what the sitcom's about?

I liked the 'massive cock up' line.

View original

Thanks for that shaggy. I've added in a paragraph of explanation at the start.

I think this extract has a good pace and sets up the plot well. The conversation on the whole is really natural although I think a couple of the gags are shoehorned in a bit.

I didn't think the "sharp end" and "pilates" jokes really worked.

Great start though, you can go back when you've finished and add a few more jokes in.

Hey Steve,

Just read this on my lunch break and thoroughly enjoyed it. I don't understand why shaggy couldn't see where it was going - clearly heading for the greatest wedding food fight ever. I agree with Tom though regards the sharp end joke, but hey, that's super minor..hardly worth mentioning.

Love both characters and would like to see Annie brought in too.

Look forward to reading some more mate.

Cheers
Craig

Thanks for the comments chaps. Will bear them in mind when I re write.

You've got a good tone. Dialogue a wee bit clunky at times but all in all not bad.

Nice setup. Gags a little light.

Enjoyed the read on this, intrigued to see where it all ends.

Nice flow/pace

The dialogue's not bad, but imo there's too much talk and not enough action to break things up. Plus you have one very long scene in Kate's kitchen followed by another scene in the same place. Needs mixing up a little to create more visual interest. Good on you for having a female lead, though!

Scenes are too long, you could probably cut out a lot of fluff which will quicken the pace. The characters seem fairly defined though and there are a couple of nice gags in there, like I say, try not to spend too long setting things up, try to get in to the thick of it as soon as possible.

Quote: Stylo @ April 1 2009, 12:11 AM BST

. Good on you for having a female lead, though!

View original

I generally have a woman lead in everything I write. Or at the very least on a par with the main mail character.

Thanks for taking the time to read it everyone.

Quote: steve by any other name @ April 2 2009, 8:08 AM BST

I generally have a woman lead in everything I write. Or at the very least on a par with the main mail character.

Thanks for taking the time to read it everyone.

View original

Randoms sitcom has lots of main mail characters.

Quote: steve by any other name @ March 4 2009, 1:50 PM BST

INT. KATE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

A LARGE UNTIDY BEDROOM IN A VICTORIAN SEMI.
ALMOST COMPLETELY DARK, A SLEEPING FIGURE IS EVIDENT LYING FULLY CLOTHED ON TOP OF THE BED.
THE ONLY LIGHT COMES FROM THE ALARM CLOCK. 5:27AM.
A MOBILE STARTS TO CHIRP.
A HAND REACHES UP AND SMACKS THE ALARM CLOCK, KNOCKING IT ONTO THE FLOOR.
THE MOBILE IS STILL CHIRPING.
THE HAND BEGINS GROPING AROUND ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE UNTIL IT FINDS THE PHONE.

KATE
Do you know what time it is?... Is it? O. Right. Sorry.... Go ahead. What? You can't have. Don't you check them regularly? When I was married to Nick he used to check his all the time.... But I need you. Look.... If it's only twisted that's OK right? It's not come off or anything? Matt, you're a chef not a gigolo. What you do in your own time is up to you but I trust you weren't planning to use your testicles in my kitchen. A fixation? How long does that take? What am I supposed to do about the wedding?... Stick it up my.... O, they're doing that to you... right now... Ergh. Yep. No. Call me later....

View original

Hi Steve

As others have said there's some good stuff here.

Re the top bit (and feel free to ignore me, as I'm fairly new to scripts myself) but I think its better to keep narrative to a minimum. Most people want to get straight into it. Instead of the lengthy description you have, I'd have put something like:

Kate asleep, fully clothed, in large untidy bedroom. Alarm clock shows 5.23 am. Mobile rings. She hits alarm - knocks it to floor. Gropes around for phone.

Similarly I found her opening speech too long and maybe I'm being thick but I didn't get what she was talking about at that point. Can you make it clearer earlier on? As you'd set this up as a catering thing I thought you meant check on some kind of food preparation! That may just be me though.

eg say "You've twisted what!? Ouch. Don't you check them regularly? Nick always did" etc

Apologies if we're not meant to suggest actual lines!

My favourite bit was:

"KATE
Look, this is serious.... Matt's called in sick. Twisted testicle.

JONATHON
I'm not surprised if you speak to him like that."

Jx

Thanks Jane, useful stuff. I posted this a while ago and it sank for a bit. I've since sent it out without what is the first, direction heavy scene.

Kind of enjoyed this. Didn't take to the Jonathan character too much though. The main character, Kate, is good. I would see her character more suited to a comedy drama though. You write dialogue for her well, the exchanges between the two are quite quick which is good, it allows you to be funny with alot of the dialogue.

I assume the big football contract would be the arc for the series? And Nick trying to scupper her wedding contract would be the plot for this episode?

I like the Kate character very much as I said, but her character and the situation is more suited to comedy drama in my opinion. It didn't feel like a sitcom.