FOUR GEORDIE'S SAT AROUND A PUB TABLE, PINT IN HAND & NEWCASTLE UNITED SHIRTS ON. THE TOPIC OF ALAN SHEARER COMES UP.
BIG PHIL: The legend is back boys!
RON: Who, Declan Donnelly?
BIG PHIL: (OUTRAGED) Nooo yer daft bastaaard! THE legend, Alan 'the Shearer' Shearer man!
THE WHOLE TABLE THEN STAND UP & BURST INTO SONG, HANDS ON THEIR NEWCASTLE CRESTED HEARTS.
WHOLE TABLE: Toon, toon, toon...everybody say Wheyaye! Wheyaye!
BIG PHIL: (RAISING HIS PINT) So says Alan Shearer.
REST OF TABLE: (PRAYING) Wheyaye-men.
THE TABLE SIT DOWN.
BIG PHIL: Shearer looked at me once. Eh, I could canny believe it! He looks over and nods t'me right. Proper chuffed I was like.
KEV: That's nothin', I went on 't culture crawl around Tyneside with him. No foolin' like…
BIG PHIL: (MOCKING) Ooh check out Kev 'ere, regular Andy arse-hole! (THE TABLE LAUGH) So yer poncy queer-arse, where did this cultcha' crawl start?
KEV: St James Park.
BIG PHIL: So where 'd you finish like?
KEV: Uh, St James's Park. We never left. Just ate pie…
TREV: That's nothing, me nan used ter live on the same estate as him like…
BIG PHIL: Well accordin' to yer nan Trev, she also did the Macarena with Peter Ustinov and in her off-time was Marilyn Monroe's stunt double, so…
MORE LAUGHTER AROUND THE TABLE.
RON: I once saw Alan in Safeway's!
KEV: Well I once pushed a trolley for his niece!
BIG PHIL: I did his niece…
TREV: I am his niece!
CUE LAUGHTER & MORE OUT-LANDISH ALAN SHEAER BOASTS.
RON: Shearer used to drive my kids to work…
KEV: Alan was my character witness in my AA completion examination…
BIG PHIL: His sister is my wife…
TREV: Your sister is my wife and Alan was me best man…
THE CONVERSATION IS NOW TURNING INTO A HEATED ARGUMENT AS THE FOUR BEGIN TO STAND UP FROM THEIR STOOLS.
RON: Alan used to look at me first every time he scored a goal….
KEV: That's nothing, for good luck he would touch me before a match…
TREV: (Standing on his stool) I went on a date with him like and he paid for me meal and the taxi back to me mam's…
RON: I'm the twinkle in his mam's eye…
KEV: I've had my winkle in his mam's eye…
TREV: I once met his gaze across an ice-cream parlour in Kent…
AT THIS EVERYONE TURNS TO TREV, SHOCKED. A PINT GLASS IS DROPPED
BIG PHIL: Get outta 'ere yer fag-faced southern lover!....
JUST THEN KEVIN KEEGAN WALKS IN WITH A QUIZZICAL LOOK.
KEVIN KEEGAN: Uh, did someone call?
END OF SKETCH.
