Quote: random @ March 30 2009, 9:36 PM BSTIn hope of more feedback, 50 people have downloaded but only 9 have commented.
Thanks again to those that have.
I think 9 bits of feedback on quite a lengthy piece is pretty good going Random. I posted the first 10 pages of my latest script at the beginning of March, got one response almost immediately, but that was it.
Yeah, I know, it's just knowing the fact that it's now been downloaded 56 times and only 9 of the 56 have commented.
But fully understand some probably won't read it even tho they downloaded and some probably get a few pages in and not bother with the rest as it's not their cup of tea.
We live in hope!
Hello,
I quite liked the piece overall and thought the ending was excellent.
On a more critcal note I had these observations, a couple of which have already been mentioned:
1. The spelling and general use of language needs tightening up. Also, the logic of some sentences needs looking at. e.g.
'They're sat about smoking and drinking coffee on mismatched stools and up-turned stacks of trays at the rear of a small delivery office.'
I think everyone knows what you're trying to communicate but it kind of suggests that they're smoking coffee and sat on both a stool and an up-turned tray.
2. The ages. I agree with Ben, most scripts, if they mention the age at all, will put it at the beginning. It's just a format thing.
3. Action. There isn't alot of action going on and what is isn't explained within the scene, e.g. why does Sue check her watch?(In terms of character, plot or atmosphere.)
4. Dialogue. I enjoyed the dialogue in the main but a few things got on my nerves, such as the constant use of 'ain't'. As well as things like 'with ya', 'n'that', "'avin a go'". I can see how these things help to give the characters an individual voice but it got on my nerves after a while.
5. Length of scene. It's ok I guess - I'm no expert - but you're already a good way into the length of the show and not much has happened.
Can I ask a question? What is the premise? the pitch of the show? e.g.
Blackadder the 2 might be. 'A courtier in the reign of queen liz the 1st, facing execution, ruin, desiese and stangely shaped turnips, looks out for number 1.' or whatever.
Hmm, I can see what you were aiming for with the script. Trying to achieve that naturalistic, everyday kind of conversation and it worked to a certain extent, but I thought it was light on the laughs. There were moments were it seemed like it was building up to a gag and probably should have, but then nothing really happened.
For example, the part where they are all telling Deano that they'll go out for a drink with him and saying they'll definitely be there, I thought the pay off was going to be when the other guy got off the phone, he'd say something like "It's my wife's birthday today, do you all fancy coming out tonight?" and they'd all say "Oh yeah definitely", leaving Deano in the lurch.
Plus I found Neville a really dislikable character, maybe that's the way I'm meant to feel? If so, job well done there. (the script I'm currently writing has a character named Neville too, it's a good name!) 
The setting and characters have potential, the plot has been set up fine and I'd say just try not to get too bogged down with making it sound 'real' in expense of gags and funny lines.
Definite potential though.
Quote: jacparov @ April 1 2009, 8:46 PM BSTHello,
I quite liked the piece overall and thought the ending was excellent.
On a more critcal note I had these observations, a couple of which have already been mentioned:
1. The spelling and general use of language needs tightening up. Also, the logic of some sentences needs looking at. e.g.
'They're sat about smoking and drinking coffee on mismatched stools and up-turned stacks of trays at the rear of a small delivery office.'
I think everyone knows what you're trying to communicate but it kind of suggests that they're smoking coffee and sat on both a stool and an up-turned tray.
2. The ages. I agree with Ben, most scripts, if they mention the age at all, will put it at the beginning. It's just a format thing.
3. Action. There isn't alot of action going on and what is isn't explained within the scene, e.g. why does Sue check her watch?(In terms of character, plot or atmosphere.)
4. Dialogue. I enjoyed the dialogue in the main but a few things got on my nerves, such as the constant use of 'ain't'. As well as things like 'with ya', 'n'that', "'avin a go'". I can see how these things help to give the characters an individual voice but it got on my nerves after a while.
5. Length of scene. It's ok I guess - I'm no expert - but you're already a good way into the length of the show and not much has happened.
Can I ask a question? What is the premise? the pitch of the show? e.g.
Blackadder the 2 might be. 'A courtier in the reign of queen liz the 1st, facing execution, ruin, desiese and stangely shaped turnips, looks out for number 1.' or whatever.
Cheers, many thanks for the read and comments
1. Spelling, yes, I'll put my hands up (and have done) to the odd one, or two... three maybe.
You seem to genuinely believe people would read that as 'it kind of suggests that they're smoking coffee and sat on both a stool and an up-turned tray', lol, I trust you are having a laugh 
2. Understand and it will be sorted, thank you.
3. Granted and has been mentioned by another via email. I'm still unsure if I should amend this or not as I did wish to create a slice of time in a postie's work day where they are not rushing about. They have done everything prior to this and are simply waiting for the nod to go out on delivery.
Re: Sue checking her watch... She clocks and observes (a bit of a busy body some might say) she's aware of the fact that Kim (Steve's wife) calls about that time of the morning... every morning.
4. Simply how people speak, not everyone says 'with you', 'and that' or 'having a go', they say 'with ya', 'n'that', 'avin a go.
5. Episode storyline is set and we've learned a little more about the characters and hopefully chuckled along the way. I must add I'm not into ramming home plot, plot, plot!
Love story 
Thanks once again, appreciated.
Quote: Martin H @ April 1 2009, 9:07 PM BSTHmm, I can see what you were aiming for with the script. Trying to achieve that naturalistic, everyday kind of conversation and it worked to a certain extent, but I thought it was light on the laughs. There were moments were it seemed like it was building up to a gag and probably should have, but then nothing really happened.
For example, the part where they are all telling Deano that they'll go out for a drink with him and saying they'll definitely be there, I thought the pay off was going to be when the other guy got off the phone, he'd say something like "It's my wife's birthday today, do you all fancy coming out tonight?" and they'd all say "Oh yeah definitely", leaving Deano in the lurch.
Plus I found Neville a really dislikable character, maybe that's the way I'm meant to feel? If so, job well done there. (the script I'm currently writing has a character named Neville too, it's a good name!)
The setting and characters have potential, the plot has been set up fine and I'd say just try not to get too bogged down with making it sound 'real' in expense of gags and funny lines.
Definite potential though.
Big thanks also for the read and comments
A little disgruntled you found it light on laughs.
Regarding the setup and laugh you suggested... didn't wish to be too obvious (I don't wish to create something that when you see the setup you know where it's obviously going) understand where you're coming from tho.
Neville... I'd hope you would think you should dislike him but don't. (think the age of his wife doesn't help... shall be changing)
Thanks very for your thoughts
Quote: random @ April 1 2009, 10:23 PM BSTCheers, many thanks for the read and comments
1. Spelling, yes, I'll put my hands up (and have done) to the odd one, or two... three maybe.
You seem to genuinely believe people would read that as 'it kind of suggests that they're smoking coffee and sat on both a stool and an up-turned tray', lol, I trust you are having a laugh
2. Understand and it will be sorted, thank you.
3. Granted and has been mentioned by another via email. I'm still unsure if I should amend this or not as I did wish to create a slice of time in a postie's work day where they are not rushing about. They have done everything prior to this and are simply waiting for the nod to go out on delivery.
Re: Sue checking her watch... She clocks and observes (a bit of a busy body some might say) she's aware of the fact that Kim (Steve's wife) calls about that time of the morning... every morning.
4. Simply how people speak, not everyone says 'with you', 'and that' or 'having a go', they say 'with ya', 'n'that', 'avin a go.
5. Episode storyline is set and we've learned a little more about the characters and hopefully chuckled along the way. I must add I'm not into ramming home plot, plot, plot!
Fair enough, it is difficult to judge fairly on just a few pages.
I was only half joking about the sentence construction thing. If I was a script reader (God forbid) who had to sift through hundreds of scripts every month I would probably read that sentence at the top of your piece and think: This writer doesn't understand sentence construction. And stop reading right there. To be fair I am a bit of a knobhead though
In terms of action I didn't mean anything big or dramatic, for example it mentions a no smoking sign with graffiti on it. Instead you could have a character writing on it in the scene if it was in character. With the watch thing, that's great, I'd missed it but over an episode or series these little things build up.
With the dialogue,that's interesting and you're right of course, but I'd always thought that was part of the actors job to interpret the speech.
What is the storyline? Deano getting sacked? Not sacked? How does that effect the other characters greatly?
Sorry if I come across as a pedantic arse! It's all said in good faith. Best of luck J.
Yeah I don't think you should write in slang, not all the time anyway, the odd word when it is necessary and stuff like 'gonna' or 'dunno' are fairly common and okay. But writing full sentences in slang could put a potential script reader off, the accent would be something that actor would add.
Many thanks once again, still learning, so every bit of feedback welcomed.
Still a little undecided regarding the action but may alter accordingly.
Would you cut this scene down?
Shall make a conscious effort not to overdue slang.
Thanks again
Hey Random.
Here are my thoughts, as promised!
- I think the ironic gay stuff has been before by Gervais. And then he has Les Dennis which made it funny. Though the 'brother' bit was quite subtle, if not laugh out loud funny.
- 'Teddy bears' picnic was quite good.
Then you've got a bit long passage with no jokes in it, which meant I was losing interest. It was just exposition.
It kind of just drifted off by the end and I didn't really know where it was going.
I also didn't get a strong feel for who was who. At lot of the lines felt interchangeable.
Quote: Seefacts @ April 7 2009, 8:38 PM BSTHey Random.
Here are my thoughts, as promised!
- I think the ironic gay stuff has been before by Gervais. And then he has Les Dennis which made it funny. Though the 'brother' bit was quite subtle, if not laugh out loud funny.
- 'Teddy bears' picnic was quite good.
Then you've got a bit long passage with no jokes in it, which meant I was losing interest. It was just exposition.
It kind of just drifted off by the end and I didn't really know where it was going.
I also didn't get a strong feel for who was who. At lot of the lines felt interchangeable.
Cheers, appreciated
Thanks for your thoughs.
I see that word again... exposition!