My latest project

Hey guys

I have decided to post up here my second attempt at sitcom.

It's called "Do Not Touch" (Probably not the best thing for a script to have on it's title page). It's set in a museum. I've gone for a more family-orientated style this time, so no naughty bits I'm afraid. It's more silly humour. I've put a bit more thought into this one than my last attempt. This one has a story and everything! Here's the first 10 pages.

Any and all comments are greatly appreciated.

http://jebsly27.110mb.com/donottouch.pdf

Cheers

There is grrat characterisation but I think some off the dialogue is a little unrealistic, a bit CBBC.

As I said, the characterisation is good but they almost seem comic book like with the headbanging with no music and pulling their hair out!

I don't think the formatting is right but that might be because you haven't finished it.

There's some full stops missing from the dialogue.

Cheers for the replies.

The whole comic book thing is exactly what I want with Crock. He's unbelievably stupid and everyone else has to deal with him.

I've never really bothered with full stops at the end of dialogue. Is it important?

Cheers

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ March 29 2009, 5:46 PM BST

I've never really bothered with full stops at the end of dialogue. Is it important?

Cheers

View original

If it's the end of the sentence I think so.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ March 29 2009, 5:50 PM BST

If it's the end of the sentence I think so.

View original

Tell that to Ronnie Biggs!

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ March 29 2009, 5:46 PM BST

Cheers for the replies.

The whole comic book thing is exactly what I want with Crock. He's unbelievably stupid and everyone else has to deal with him.

I've never really bothered with full stops at the end of dialogue. Is it important?

Cheers

View original

Well he comes across stlike that but worried it might be a little over the top. People wouldn't relate to it very well, again I think it would be good for childrens TV.
My parents are aliens or chuckle brother style.

You don't want a "when the whistle blows" on your hands!

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ March 29 2009, 5:46 PM BST

I've never really bothered with full stops at the end of dialogue. Is it important?

View original

Yes, missing full stops have led to international incidents.

Help your reader at every opportunity. A full stop indicates a definite and intended end, not a printer error, a missing page, or an unfinished line missed by the author.

As far as I'm aware: the only place a missing period is usually acceptable is in bullet points, and then only on the last sentence of each bullet point (if the bullet contains several sentences).

Missing a period is usually a cause for concern.

Quote: Marc P @ March 29 2009, 6:02 PM BST

Tell that to Ronnie Biggs!

View original

Hey, he had some fun on the run....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXkLn-Ap9hQ

Hey Chris,

I agree with Tom with regards to the characterisation but not about Crock sounding a bit comic booky. I guess it comes down to how you picture the characters in your head (as just going on script) I imagined Crock to be more of a Nick Harper from My Family.

I thought all 3 characters were genuine and unique.

As much as I sympathised with Nige, seeing him any other way other than getting ignored and walked all over just wouldn't be the same, that's what made me love him.

I got the impression Tim knew how to play Nige and firmly believed he was cleverer than Nige. It was as if he also thought Nige wasn't REALLY his boss and was more humouring his bossy efforts than anything else to give Nige his much needed feeling of significance.

Thanks for sharing,

Cheers
Craig

Thanks for the comments.

I'd best get to work putting in those full stops then by the looks of things.

Craig: You've pretty much summarised my character notes there which can only be a good thing.

Cheers all

I have updated it with the added full stops to avoid more controversy.

Wouldn't mind a few more opinions on it as well.

Cheers

Hi Chris,

I agree with previous posts that suggest it's CBBC material. Aim it at kids. The setting, story and dialogue is easy for them to understand.

Embrace the opportunities for visual stuff, particularly when moving the statue - the tail-lift on the delivery truck, the forklift, the trolley - all can get out of control and be developed as slapstick "near-misses".

Think Laurel & Hardy and The Chuckle Brothers when you re-write.

Cheers for the reply.

Well as I said in the original post of this thread, I am going for a more family-orientated audience with this. If you think it's CBBC then I may have played it too much towards the kids.

My ideal would be a pre-watershed program that the whole family can watch and enjoys, with something in there for everyone.

Cheers