MONDAY 23 JULY
It’s 11.59pm and as I slowly sip my cocktail with the waves gently lap at my feet, I can not help thinking – “Why did I move to Tewksbury?”
TUESDAY 24 JULY
This morning I awoke to find a tanker battling its way through the Venetian streets of old Tewksbury, bringing in fresh supplies of water. Hurrah for those tireless volunteers and public sector workers. They deserve more money, I thought whilst brushing my teeth, until I noticed one on top of a water-bowser laughing and pissing in the tank. My love of humanity is waning.
WEDNESDAY 25 JULY
Earlier on this afternoon the rain stopped and the sun shone. I, along with my good neighbourly chums, placed many of our belongings on the dry ground to bask in the sunshine and salvage a few precious items. Later on this afternoon, imagine my dismay as we saw our belongings being quickly loaded into a white van as four gentleman from the Liverpool area helped themselves. Thieving bastards. I don’t know if I want to live anymore.
FRIDAY 27 JULY
Spent all day yesterday gathering materials for my big plan. Tomorrow is the big day!
SATURDAY 28 JULY
This will be my last diary entry. I have left a note under the one remaining tea cup in the second floor bedroom next to my beloved rocking chair, which will explain it all. I hope you can all live with yourselves, because I can’t. Well, I won’t as this is it, the last few moments of my troubled life. What have we become?
As I tie the last knot I’m actually feeling happier than I have done in a long time. Goodbye cruel world, hello…well, I would say heaven but I’ve been an atheist for two years since I saw the Passion of the Christ on DVD. What was Mel Gibson thinking? Come on Mel, you have so much to give. Perhaps Field of Dreams 2? My God! What if Mel does make Field of Dreams 2 and I’m not here to see it. Bugger and damnation!
Right, that’s it, the show’s off. I will have to postpone joining the Scout movement until another emergency arrives. I never did like woggles or khaki anyway. Besides, I don’t know my Tiller’s Hitch from my Halyard Bend so would have failed the exam. Oh happy days!
SUNDAY 29 JULY
Feel a lot better now. Must have been something in the water. Hope no one reads this or i will feel embarrassed.
Mum told me off for being able to see my arse in a dress which was designed to sunbathe in! while she was in a bikini!