British Comedy Guide

Crime Scene sketch

Another radio sketch...

INT. CRIME SCENE

PC SANDERS:
Can I help you, sir?

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
Detective Inspector Dawson, CID; what are we looking at here?

PC SANDERS:
Good evening, Inspector; sorry to drag you out in the middle of the night.

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
Let's just get to business, shall we?

PC SANDERS:
Of course, sir - sorry, sir. The victim is a… Caucasian female, twenty six years old, no previous. You might want to take a minute before you go in there, sir – it's not a pretty picture.

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
Just show me where the…(HORRIFIED) My God, what happened to her?

PC SANDERS:
They're writing it up as a broken heart.

F/X: A WOMAN SOBS.

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
The serial monogamist! Not again, damn it! How many times does this have to happen before we catch this scumbag?!

PC SANDERS:
I don't know, sir, somehow he's always a step ahead of us.

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
It makes my skin crawl. Wait a second, what's this?

PC SANDERS:
What's what, sir?

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
This… in the victim's hand! A piece of paper with a number! This could be the breakthrough we're looking for - how did you not find this?

PC SANDERS:
I'm sorry, sir - it's just this case, it's got me so rattled I'm not thinking straight.

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
Is this…my God... this is a phone number!

PC SANDERS:
You mean he finally slipped up and left us a clue?

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
What are you asking me for? Call it, man! Call the damned number!

F/X: DIALLING AND DEAD TONE.

PC SANDERS:
It's a digit short, sir.

INSPECTOR DAWSON:
That sick bastard!

F/X: THE SOBBING WOMAN HOWLS IN ANGUISH.

It took me a little while to work this out. Which on reflection is stupid points to me. I like the parody, didn't like the fact it made me feel bad for all the times I've done this myself. Or would have, if any woman had ever asked for my phone number.

Just a typo to point out:

PC SANDERS:
They're writing is up a broken heart.

Quote: Rob H @ March 24 2009, 4:38 PM GMT

It took me a little while to work this out. Which on reflection is stupid points to me. I like the parody, didn't like the fact it made me feel bad for all the times I've done this myself. Or would have, if any woman had ever asked for my phone number.

Just a typo to point out:

They don't have to ask, you just write it on them when they pass out drunk.

Thanks for taking the time, Rob.

No problem, sorry I couldn't offer anything more constructive than 'I like it'. I am trying to learn how to write sketches through technologically induced osmosis, but sooner or later I'm going to have to write something to let it get torn apart and learn that way.

As ever punchy dialogue, suited to this kind of detective yarn.

This is another fine piece of work. All I can offer is a point of police procedure; they'd probably trace it rather than call it...but of course that would be difficult to show by sound FX so I'll just shut up.

Very nice. Just a thought, but I wonder if it might play better if the police officers were women?

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Quote: Rob0 @ March 24 2009, 4:52 PM GMT

As ever punchy dialogue, suited to this kind of detective yarn.

Cheers, chum.

Quote: Ponderer @ March 24 2009, 4:55 PM GMT

This is another fine piece of work. All I can offer is a point of police procedure; they'd probably trace it rather than call it...but of course that would be difficult to show by sound FX so I'll just shut up.

Procedure wise I've committed a wealth of felonies with this one. The business of tracing doesn't really bother me - if they sound desperate enough, having them rap out the number on the spot won't be a problem in my mind.

Quote: Timbo @ March 25 2009, 12:03 AM GMT

Very nice. Just a thought, but I wonder if it might play better if the police officers were women?

Good thought. That's the second time this has happened to me on here now - where someone suggests a simple gender reversal to improve the sketch. Must get out of the habit of writing instinctively for men...

Quote: Badge @ March 25 2009, 12:45 AM GMT

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You awful, awful man.

A really good idea.
I enjoyed this one.

Thanks, Funshine!

A good one.

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