Hello. Hi well that's its now. I had a dream last night. It told me that the future was for me to be a stand up comedian. So that's it, that's what im going to be. Ok. Fair enough yes. I told my girlfriend. She said that very witless thing witless people say. "But you're not funny" Well anyhow. I live in Glasgow. Im not Scottish. Im a londoner. a common one. Im willing to travel anywhere and work for free (For now). Please could you help me in anyways you can. The stand up In Glasgow open mic is booked untill August. Thats not good enough Im afraid. By August I would have had a new idea which probably won't involve comedy. This time last year my dream was to sell road maps in Amsterdam. My dreams keep changing. I got to hit them while there hot. Please Help.
Here is a quick bit I just took out of one of my sets for you to critique.
Why can't you just walk down the road anymore with out being accosted by the scum.
(Eastern European Accent) Bis Issue. Big Issue. You buy. nice sunny day. you buy
What is it with the influx of eastern Europeans and headscarves with the big issue. Id love to sit on a big issue job interview
(interviewer) Hello take a seat. Now do you you own a headscarf?
(Eastern European Accent) Yes
(interviewer) And are you an ugly c**t? ....... No need to anwser that the jobs yours
Ten years ago you knew where you stood with big issue sellers. All middle aged men. All drunk and all stinking of piss
(Irish Accent) Would you like to buy my big issue now?
You could just f**king ignore them. But nowadays you got to contend with the eastern european hag witchcraft tactics.
(Eastern European Accent) What do you mean you not want buy my big issue on nice sunny day. I curse you and all family for 700 generations.
I mean ive been homeless myself but I tell you what I didnt do. I didnt stand on the street harassing pedestrians with my shitty wares. I did what all good honest homeless people should. I broke into your homes.
Scum. And worse than the big issue sellers are the junkie beggars. One come up to me the other days and he said "Have you got a pound for a cup of tea?" I said "Yes, but im not much of a tea drinker, I will probably buy coffee with it, but ta anyhow". F**king scum. Another one come up and said "I havnt eaten for a week". I said "I will pledge you another three weeks sponsorship money". F**king scum.
But worse than those beggars are the charity workers. You know the gormless teenagaers who try and stop you on the street and sign you up to some direct debit for an eternal plight. I had one girl come up to me the other day.
She was so excited. She was like a dog who had been locked up in a cupboard for a year and someone had just opened the door and she was sooooooooo happppppppy tooooo beeeee heeeeeeere
(Charity Worker) HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Can I ask you one quick question?
"Yes. you just did" I say "Now f**k off" I carry on walking. Cheeky bitch starts walking alongside me throwing photos infront of my face of starving children with flys all over them. What is it about starving children and flys. Surely you would think flys would preffer fat children. I stop and she shows me another picture of a small boy no older than seven.
(Charity Worker) Little Liam here has aids
I say "I have no symptahy for drug addicts who refuse to wear condoms"
I carry on walking.
But worse than the charity workers are the chavs. I can't even go to the off licence anymore without one of them asking me to buy them booze. It happend the other day. I was just about to walk in the shop and this kid no older than 10 put a fiver in my hand and said "10 lambert and butler a bottle of frosty jacks otherwise I will glass your mum"
Now my mum lives in another country and im sure he aint ever met her but he sounds pretty convincing so I decide to get him the goods. I come out of the shop, give him his stuff. He holds out his hand again "Ten pound change otherwise I tell the police you touch my willy"
I run up the road away from the boy like an old nonce.
Talking about chavs I was in the park one day, and there were these three chavs all throwing rocks at the ducks. Now im a bit of an animal lover so I stand up and shout. "Why are you throwing rocks at the ducks?" One stands up and gets right in my face and he shouts back "Because the swans dead"
F**king scum
Anyhow Ive been Henry Thurston and you have been alright.