Stand Up Routine (Scum)

Hello. Hi well that's its now. I had a dream last night. It told me that the future was for me to be a stand up comedian. So that's it, that's what im going to be. Ok. Fair enough yes. I told my girlfriend. She said that very witless thing witless people say. "But you're not funny" Well anyhow. I live in Glasgow. Im not Scottish. Im a londoner. a common one. Im willing to travel anywhere and work for free (For now). Please could you help me in anyways you can. The stand up In Glasgow open mic is booked untill August. Thats not good enough Im afraid. By August I would have had a new idea which probably won't involve comedy. This time last year my dream was to sell road maps in Amsterdam. My dreams keep changing. I got to hit them while there hot. Please Help.

Here is a quick bit I just took out of one of my sets for you to critique.

Why can't you just walk down the road anymore with out being accosted by the scum.

(Eastern European Accent) Bis Issue. Big Issue. You buy. nice sunny day. you buy

What is it with the influx of eastern Europeans and headscarves with the big issue. Id love to sit on a big issue job interview

(interviewer) Hello take a seat. Now do you you own a headscarf?

(Eastern European Accent) Yes

(interviewer) And are you an ugly c**t? ....... No need to anwser that the jobs yours

Ten years ago you knew where you stood with big issue sellers. All middle aged men. All drunk and all stinking of piss

(Irish Accent) Would you like to buy my big issue now?

You could just f**king ignore them. But nowadays you got to contend with the eastern european hag witchcraft tactics.

(Eastern European Accent) What do you mean you not want buy my big issue on nice sunny day. I curse you and all family for 700 generations.

I mean ive been homeless myself but I tell you what I didnt do. I didnt stand on the street harassing pedestrians with my shitty wares. I did what all good honest homeless people should. I broke into your homes.

Scum. And worse than the big issue sellers are the junkie beggars. One come up to me the other days and he said "Have you got a pound for a cup of tea?" I said "Yes, but im not much of a tea drinker, I will probably buy coffee with it, but ta anyhow". F**king scum. Another one come up and said "I havnt eaten for a week". I said "I will pledge you another three weeks sponsorship money". F**king scum.

But worse than those beggars are the charity workers. You know the gormless teenagaers who try and stop you on the street and sign you up to some direct debit for an eternal plight. I had one girl come up to me the other day.
She was so excited. She was like a dog who had been locked up in a cupboard for a year and someone had just opened the door and she was sooooooooo happppppppy tooooo beeeee heeeeeeere

(Charity Worker) HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Can I ask you one quick question?

"Yes. you just did" I say "Now f**k off" I carry on walking. Cheeky bitch starts walking alongside me throwing photos infront of my face of starving children with flys all over them. What is it about starving children and flys. Surely you would think flys would preffer fat children. I stop and she shows me another picture of a small boy no older than seven.

(Charity Worker) Little Liam here has aids

I say "I have no symptahy for drug addicts who refuse to wear condoms"

I carry on walking.

But worse than the charity workers are the chavs. I can't even go to the off licence anymore without one of them asking me to buy them booze. It happend the other day. I was just about to walk in the shop and this kid no older than 10 put a fiver in my hand and said "10 lambert and butler a bottle of frosty jacks otherwise I will glass your mum"

Now my mum lives in another country and im sure he aint ever met her but he sounds pretty convincing so I decide to get him the goods. I come out of the shop, give him his stuff. He holds out his hand again "Ten pound change otherwise I tell the police you touch my willy"

I run up the road away from the boy like an old nonce.

Talking about chavs I was in the park one day, and there were these three chavs all throwing rocks at the ducks. Now im a bit of an animal lover so I stand up and shout. "Why are you throwing rocks at the ducks?" One stands up and gets right in my face and he shouts back "Because the swans dead"

F**king scum

Anyhow Ive been Henry Thurston and you have been alright.

Wonderful stuff!!! No need to sell road maps anymore.

Quote: bigfella @ March 23 2009, 1:23 PM GMT

Wonderful stuff!!! No need to sell road maps anymore.

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aw thanks mate, thanks. I didnt like selling the road maps to be honest. I thought Id work a few hours a day and then spend the rest of my time smoking skunk with my earnings. It didnt work out like that. As most dreams don't I suppose.

Well... I'd quite like to see you do this, but only cause I think it'd be a bit of a car crash. Too much hate, not enough jokes.

You can't be Jerry Sadowitz right from the off. People are gonna take what you say at face value - I've seen new acts try stuff like this a few times and it always ends badly.

Having said that, I quite liked the swan line.

What's the rest of the set like? I think that would help us put things in context - better able to get a handle on this. As it stands, it's funny in parts, but my nazi grandad having a rant in others. How does the set twist and turn?
(I'd never have the balls to try stand-up - respect to you)

Any old sad twat half pissed can spew this crap. Hatred upon hatred. It was prejudice, racist, classist and any other "ist" you can think of, but without with being the most funni-est. I scratch my head and say "so...have you got any mates?"

Quote: James Harris @ March 23 2009, 3:58 PM GMT

Well... I'd quite like to see you do this, but only cause I think it'd be a bit of a car crash. Too much hate, not enough jokes.

You can't be Jerry Sadowitz right from the off. People are gonna take what you say at face value - I've seen new acts try stuff like this a few times and it always ends badly.

Having said that, I quite liked the swan line.

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yeah im understanding what you saying, but its more a peformance piece, yep there is to much hate, defiently, im going to tone that down a bit

Quote: Rhubarb @ March 23 2009, 4:16 PM GMT

What's the rest of the set like? I think that would help us put things in context - better able to get a handle on this. As it stands, it's funny in parts, but my nazi grandad having a rant in others. How does the set twist and turn?
(I'd never have the balls to try stand-up - respect to you)

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well I won't put the rest of it here because its in my head and I havnt got the time at the moment to put it all down, but to be honest it is a lot more hate, yeah maybe, hmm im thinking how to be funny and not hateful

Quote: LIME5000 @ March 23 2009, 5:47 PM GMT

Any old sad twat half pissed can spew this crap. Hatred upon hatred. It was prejudice, racist, classist and any other "ist" you can think of, but without with being the most funni-est. I scratch my head and say "so...have you got any mates?"

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they say 'you are the people you mix with'. I guess that makes me no one.

i understand what you are saying, but let me just defend a little, all those ists it is, I don't want people to laugh at the ists, more my ignorance, its a performance piece and a character im working on

i put it here for a bit of critique, you know critique that I will read and use to help me further myself. I don't really think you insulting me is really much help.

Henry,

Perhaps you have a point about Lime's reaction, but I suspect it mirrors what many felt and how an audience is likely to react.

Admittedly, we can't see it as performance piece written down, but if you want to pursue this I'd suggest you need to undermine the character you are portraying and make some of the jokes at his expense. Think about Al Murray as the pub landlord or Fawlty (showing us how stupid or bigoted the character is rather than just allowing them to spew their vitriol). It is clearly set up so that we are laughing at them and their attitudes and not with them. This is unclear in your piece leading to the strongish reactions.

Oh yeah, I liked the swan line too.

Quote: Ponderer @ March 23 2009, 6:09 PM GMT

Henry,

Perhaps you have a point about Lime's reaction, but I suspect it mirrors what many felt and how an audience is likely to react.

Admittedly, we can't see it as performance piece written down, but if you want to pursue this I'd suggest you need to undermine the character you are portraying and make some of the jokes at his expense. Think about Al Murray as the pub landlord or Fawlty (showing us how stupid or bigoted the character is rather than just allowing them to spew their vitriol). It is clearly set up so that we are laughing at them and their attitudes and not with them. This is unclear in your piece leading to the strongish reactions.

Oh yeah, I liked the swan line too.

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yep Ponderer good points, good points, laugh at myself more hmmmm, im strugling with the self deprication gags, you mean if I did this on stage? id bomb? I don't want people not to like me. Its a tough one. You see the caharcter has a super ego, super ego and this self deprication just won't sit with him. I want to make it clear that he is a joke and not telling jokes but I can't do it with him making jokes at his own expense, it just won't wash with him, he would have to become something else, im not sure what though.

He doesn't have to be self-deprecating. He can be proud of his opinions and of himself, but there has to be some sense that YOU know he's an arse. Give him crazier opinions, add lines that are clues to the audience that this man is a moron. At the moment this bigoted tit is the winner in every joke. Make him more of a loser.

I'm not sure exactly how you'd do it, but I think it'd be necessary if you wanted people to enjoy the act.

Quote: Henry Thurston @ March 23 2009, 6:15 PM GMT

yep Ponderer good points, good points, laugh at myself more hmmmm, im strugling with the self deprication gags, you mean if I did this on stage? id bomb? I don't want people not to like me. Its a tough one. You see the caharcter has a super ego, super ego and this self deprication just won't sit with him. I want to make it clear that he is a joke and not telling jokes but I can't do it with him making jokes at his own expense, it just won't wash with him, he would have to become something else, im not sure what though.

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I don't think it has to be as direct as that. Neither of the characters I mention are self-depricating, they have outlandish prejudices which would not be shared by the NF as well as those that might. Perhaps a surreal rant about something that makes him sound bizzarre rather than just nasty would help. Dunno what off-hand but a la Fawlty on his guests.

I remember Harry Enfield killing off his Loadsamoney character as it got a strong following among the people he was trying to laugh at, this is the risk you run if you make them too close to the real thing.

If I'd known James was going to put it better before I put my post up I'd have been more succinct. So, yeah, what he said.

On reading this piece I assumed it was an ironic rant - taken out of context from your broader set. But is it stand-up or performance? A world of difference. Unless the audience is clear what you're about - they will either laugh, or throw bottles at you. We've all been to stand-up gigs that resemble a bear pit more than a place to enjoy yourself. It needs to be obvious to us what we're dealing with.
I wish you luck developing your ideas – but please, we need context. It will be interesting to see where you go with this.

Tough to pull off - like others, I can see it in my mind and the crowd aren't loving it...

But, maybe you can make it work. I'm reminded of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVF0FJ8Z5K8

its all too real....it's very close to actual opinions many people will have and , with few laughs, you're just left with a rant. if you're doing that sort of act it's easier to pick a group that it's obvious you'd have to be joking about because no one could really be that nasty (paul calf - students, gervais - everyone) Your "act" reads like the Daily Mail!

.
It's raw, it's real, it's venomous and it's funny. It would bomb at The Guardian Annual Dinner but so f**kin' what?

Quote: Henry Thurston @ March 23 2009, 5:59 PM GMT

yep there is to much hate, definitely, I'm going to tone that down a bit

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He's a hateful character! I love him! Don't take the edge off. I can even see shades of The Pub Landlord, Alf Garnet and Bill Hicks in him.

Mind you, these few lines are plain hateful without the funny - i.e.
________________________________________________________________________________

(interviewer) Hello take a seat. Now do you you own a headscarf?

(Eastern European Accent) Yes

(interviewer) And are you an ugly c**t? ....... No need to answer that the jobs yours

I would clean it up to this > > >

(interviewer) Hello take a seat. Now do you you own a headscarf?

(Eastern European Accent) Yes I have very ----

(interviewer) And a fake passport?

(Eastern European Accent) Yes I also ----

(interviewer) Good! The jobs yours.
________________________________________________________________________________

Having said all that - the character will stand or fall on your performance. You'll have to use all the stage area with plenty of manic pacing around. Shall we say a lovable moronic Fascist?

Which reminds me - gotta go - the wife's coming back from the shops.
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