The Secret Broke

Hello all. I know I have mucked about a little with my ideas. This one though is kinda serious so I would appreciate any form of critique and suggestions to make it funnier or funny. Open to all ideas. Hell edit the shit out of it and post it. Im new to all this and this is actually the first sketch I have attempted to write. So im not expecting micracles. But do I show any prommise.

This is a play on the secret millionaire. Im not sure if the concept has been done before. If I thought of it im sure a few others have already. Anyhow. Here it is.

THE SECRET BROKE

(Youth Club hall. Two men stand watching kids play football. Graham the youth club manager is wearing sports clothing. Barney the secret broke is wearing a very dapper expensive looking suit and is carrying a brief case)

Voice Over: Barney is a 32 year old tramp from London. He has been living on the streets for well over 10 years. Today he is meeting local youth club Manager Graham Horris. Graham doesn't know about Barney's true identity. He believes him to be a millionaire willing to invest in the youth club

Graham: It's just great to be able to watch them kick about a ball and enjoy themselves. While there in here having fun there not on the streets getting into trouble. Its just resources are so low, we just haven't got the money to keep this place operating

Barney: Ahh don't worry about it pal. I'm filthy rich me, a millionaire, don't worry by the end of this show Im going to give a big fat wedge. You hearing me. I'm a millionaire

(Jeans living room. Barney sits on an armchair drinking tea. He sits opposite local pensioner Jean Witty)

Jean: So my gas bill came in and I couldn't even afford to pay it. I had no heating for three days. My cockatiel died. He couldn't take the cold.

Barney: Don't you worry old girl. I'm filthy rich. I'm a millionaire me

(Spits out tea on carpet)

Call this tea

Jean: I can't afford tea anymore. I have to make my own teabags with bits of old tights and cigarette ash

(Jean begins to weep)

Barney: Don't you worry old girl. By the end of this show you will be drinking cups of liquid gold.

Jean) PG?

Barney: That's the ones

(Youth Centre Hall. Graham and Jean sit waiting for Barney to arrive. Barney walks into the room. Instead of wearing a suit he is wearing an old smelly green tramp jacket. He is carrying a cheap bottle of cider which he begins swigging)

Barney: Morning people. I have a confession to make. I told you all I was a millionaire. Well I wasn't being completely honest with you. I'm actually a dirty hobo and I own jack all

(Barney laughs)

Jean: Oh no. The secret broke

Barney: Hah you've seen the show and still you got fooled. No sympathy for you old girl

Graham: This isn't the secret broke

Jean: No Barney. Its not

(Jean and Graham smile wickedly)

Graham: You see Barney. This isn't the secret broke. You're actually on the secret cannibals show

Jean: You walked straight in to the trap

(They both towards him wielding forks and knives. Barney backs away sheepishly)

Barney: You can't do this. This isn't right

(Jean and Graham laugh wickedly)

Jean: Let's eat the homeless bastard

Graham: Lets

First and foremost, this was one of the funniest sketches I've ever read . I have to say that I was a little skeptical at first, but this turned out to be creative, funny and charming all at once.

May I say that this is not only an extremely funny sketch; it is also a great basis for a successful sitcom!

I was surprised that apart from the excellent comedy moments, my attention was caught by the budding romance between Graham and Jean. This in itself shows great promise and could well be expanded upon in future episodes. Also, I can see a spin-off series featuring these two characters.

Within this excellent piece, you have the elements for a wildly, funny sitcom. It's breezy, fast paced and hits all the right comedic buttons. The gags, especially the "I have to make my own teabags with bits of old tights and cigarette ash", work extremely well, and the structure is rock solid. It's a pleasure to read a script by someone who knows how to write comedy.

I really look forward to seeing this sketch expanded into a successful sitcom. Well done!

Quote: Marc P @ March 20 2009, 2:57 PM GMT

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This idea is a work of Genius... sorry I mean Janus...

Quote: dannyjb1 @ March 20 2009, 3:02 PM GMT

This idea is a work of Genius... sorry I mean Janus...

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Samantha?

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ March 20 2009, 3:03 PM GMT

Samantha?

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Shush! That's only my private name... Bernard

Quote: jonny2 @ March 20 2009, 2:55 PM GMT

First and foremost, this was one of the funniest sketches I've ever read . I have to say that I was a little skeptical at first, but this turned out to be creative, funny and charming all at once.
I really look forward to seeing this sketch expanded into a successful sitcom. Well done!

View original

I actually thought that this idea was pretty amusing, especially the twist at the end. That said, I felt that it needs a big re-write, especially the dialogue, which feels a bit clunky at first.

I would either swap around the Jean and Graham scene, or up the ante on the Graham scene; maybe children's wheelchair football or something, as I feel it's lacking this scene.

1) I found something of 'Henry's' to have possibilities
2) I critiqued a piss-take seriously
So,
3) I'm going for a lie down.

.

Quote: Henry Thurston @ March 20 2009, 12:53 PM GMT

Hell edit the shit out of it and post it.

View original

Ok then. Here goes.......
________________________________________________________________________________

The Secret Tramp

'The Secret Tramp' is a reality television show in which actual homeless filthy tramps are disguised as millionaires. They then go into impoverished communities and agree to give away tens of thousand of pounds. At the end of the programme the 'millionaire' reveals that he is in fact - 'The Secret Tramp'

INT. YOUTH CENTRE. DAY.

TWO MEN STAND WATCHING KIDS PLAY FOOTBALL. GRAHAM THE YOUTH CLUB MANAGER IS WEARING SPORTS CLOTHING. BARNEY THE SECRET TRAMP IS WEARING A VERY DAPPER EXPENSIVE LOOKING SUIT AND CARRIES A BRIEF CASE

VOICE OVER: Barney is a forty-two year-old tramp. He has been living on the streets of London for well over ten years. Today he is meeting local youth club Manager Graham Horris. Graham doesn't know Barney's true identity - The Secret Tramp. He believes he's a millionaire willing to invest in the youth club. (CHUCKLES)

GRAHAM: It's just great to be able to watch the kids kick a ball about and enjoy themselves. While they're in here having fun, they're not causing trouble on the streets. Trouble is though, we just haven't got the money to keep this place operating.

BARNEY: That's where I come in Graham, my old son. I'm a filthy rich millionaire. By the end of this show, I'm going to put a big fat wedge in the back of the net. (NUDGES GRAHAM AND WINKS) Know what I mean?

INT. JEAN'S LIVING ROOM. DAY.

BARNEY IS SITTING ON AN ARMCHAIR DRINKING TEA. HE SITS OPPOSITE LOCAL PENSIONER JEAN WITTY

JEAN: I can't even pay me gas bill

BARNEY: The name's Barney, love.

JEAN: I've had no heating for three days, Bill. My budgie died of frostbite.

BARNEY: I'm Barney – I'm a millionaire

JEAN: I think I'm going barmy as well.

BARNEY SPITS OUT TEA IN DISGUST

BARNEY: Call this tea?!

JEAN: I can't afford tea anymore. I have to make teabags with bits of old tights and fag ash.

JEAN BEGINS TO SOB

BARNEY: Don't you worry old girl. By the end of this show you'll be drinking cups of liquid gold.

JEAN: PG?

BARNEY: You won't need Parental Guidance, old girl - it'll be Earl Grey all the way!

INT. YOUTH CENTRE. DAY.

GRAHAM AND JEAN SIT WAITING FOR BARNEY TO ARRIVE. BARNEY WALKS INTO THE ROOM. INSTEAD OF WEARING A SUIT HE IS WEARING AN OLD TWEED GREEN TRAMP JACKET. HE IS SWIGGING FROM A CHEAP BOTTLE OF CIDER WRAPPED IN A BROWN PAPER BAG.

BARNEY: Morning all. I have a confession to make. (TAKES A SWIG) I told you all I was a millionaire. Well I lied. I'm actually a dirty old tramp and I own jack shit. (LAUGHS)

JEAN: Oh no. That show on the telly - Secret Tramp!

BARNEY: Hah! You've seen the show and you still got fooled! No sympathy for you old girl.

GRAHAM: (A 'POSH' VOICE) Well, I in turn have a confession to make to you, Barney.

BARNEY: (PUZZLED) Eh?

GRAHAM: This isn't the Secret Tramp

JEAN: (HER NORMAL 'ACTRESS' VOICE) It certainly isn't, Barney! (MIMICS BARNEY) Know what I mean, love?

(JEAN AND GRAHAM SMILE AT EACH OTHER)

GRAHAM: You see Barney. This isn't the Secret Tramp programme. You are actually on (BEAT) Secret Cannibals!

JEAN AND GRAHAM MOVE TOWARDS BARNEY, WIELDING KNIVES AND FORKS AND LAUGHING WICKEDLY. BARNEY BACKS AWAY WIDE-EYED AND WHIMPERING.
________________________________________________________________________________
.

Quote: jonny2 @ March 20 2009, 2:55 PM GMT

First and foremost, this was one of the funniest sketches I've ever read . I have to say that I was a little skeptical at first, but this turned out to be creative, funny and charming all at once.

May I say that this is not only an extremely funny sketch; it is also a great basis for a successful sitcom!

I was surprised that apart from the excellent comedy moments, my attention was caught by the budding romance between Graham and Jean. This in itself shows great promise and could well be expanded upon in future episodes. Also, I can see a spin-off series featuring these two characters.

Within this excellent piece, you have the elements for a wildly, funny sitcom. It's breezy, fast paced and hits all the right comedic buttons. The gags, especially the "I have to make my own teabags with bits of old tights and cigarette ash", work extremely well, and the structure is rock solid. It's a pleasure to read a script by someone who knows how to write comedy.

I really look forward to seeing this sketch expanded into a successful sitcom. Well done!

View original

Not been here all that long, but I take it this is all that Jonny (apt name) 2 does here?

Quote: Rob H @ March 20 2009, 3:30 PM GMT

I actually thought that this idea was pretty amusing, especially the twist at the end. That said, I felt that it needs a big re-write, especially the dialogue, which feels a bit clunky at first.

I would either swap around the Jean and Graham scene, or up the ante on the Graham scene; maybe children's wheelchair football or something, as I feel it's lacking this scene.

1) I found something of 'Henry's' to have possibilities
2) I critiqued a piss-take seriously
So,
3) I'm going for a lie down.

View original

Hi mate, Oh triffic im glad it made a bit of sense. Yeah the wheelchair bit was a good idea and I will probably steal it. Ta. You didnt critique a piss take mate, im no alter ego or anything, is that what them two head picture meant, Staight up, no piss take. Thanks for reading it.

Quote: Morrace @ March 20 2009, 5:36 PM GMT

.

Ok then. Here goes.......
________________________________________________________________________________

View original

that was so much easier to read than mine and it read so much more funny, I see what you did there, kept the main brick of it but added some simpler cement. I really like that. Now am I allowed to use that rewrite myself. Lawfully is it mine? Because I would like to. Thanks for taking the time.

Quote: jonny2 @ March 20 2009, 2:55 PM GMT

First and foremost, this was one of the funniest sketches I've ever read .

View original

Thank you but you really are taking the piss are you not? Im new here, when I read your words at first my heart did a little beat of hapiness but as I read on I realised that you was not serious.

Quote: Morrace @ March 20 2009, 5:36 PM GMT

.

Ok then. Here goes.......
________________________________________________________________________________

The Secret Tramp

'The Secret Tramp' is a reality television show in which actual homeless filthy tramps are disguised as millionaires. They then go into impoverished communities and agree to give away tens of thousand of pounds. At the end of the programme the 'millionaire' reveals that he is in fact - 'The Secret Tramp'

INT. YOUTH CENTRE. DAY.

TWO MEN STAND WATCHING KIDS PLAY FOOTBALL. GRAHAM THE YOUTH CLUB MANAGER IS WEARING SPORTS CLOTHING. BARNEY THE SECRET TRAMP IS WEARING A VERY DAPPER EXPENSIVE LOOKING SUIT AND CARRIES A BRIEF CASE

VOICE OVER: Barney is a forty-two year-old tramp. He has been living on the streets of London for well over ten years. Today he is meeting local youth club Manager Graham Horris. Graham doesn't know Barney's true identity - The Secret Tramp. He believes he's a millionaire willing to invest in the youth club. (CHUCKLES)

GRAHAM: It's just great to be able to watch the kids kick a ball about and enjoy themselves. While they're in here having fun, they're not causing trouble on the streets. Trouble is though, we just haven't got the money to keep this place operating.

BARNEY: That's where I come in Graham, my old son. I'm a filthy rich millionaire. By the end of this show, I'm going to put a big fat wedge in the back of the net. (NUDGES GRAHAM AND WINKS) Know what I mean?

INT. JEAN'S LIVING ROOM. DAY.

BARNEY IS SITTING ON AN ARMCHAIR DRINKING TEA. HE SITS OPPOSITE LOCAL PENSIONER JEAN WITTY

JEAN: I can't even pay me gas bill

BARNEY: The name's Barney, love.

JEAN: I've had no heating for three days, Bill. My budgie died of frostbite.

BARNEY: I'm Barney – I'm a millionaire

JEAN: I think I'm going barmy as well.

BARNEY SPITS OUT TEA IN DISGUST

BARNEY: Call this tea?!

JEAN: I can't afford tea anymore. I have to make teabags with bits of old tights and fag ash.

JEAN BEGINS TO SOB

BARNEY: Don't you worry old girl. By the end of this show you'll be drinking cups of liquid gold.

JEAN: PG?

BARNEY: You won't need Parental Guidance, old girl - it'll be Earl Grey all the way!

INT. YOUTH CENTRE. DAY.

GRAHAM AND JEAN SIT WAITING FOR BARNEY TO ARRIVE. BARNEY WALKS INTO THE ROOM. INSTEAD OF WEARING A SUIT HE IS WEARING AN OLD TWEED GREEN TRAMP JACKET. HE IS SWIGGING FROM A CHEAP BOTTLE OF CIDER WRAPPED IN A BROWN PAPER BAG.

BARNEY: Morning all. I have a confession to make. (TAKES A SWIG) I told you all I was a millionaire. Well I lied. I'm actually a dirty old tramp and I own jack shit. (LAUGHS)

JEAN: Oh no. That show on the telly - Secret Tramp!

BARNEY: Hah! You've seen the show and you still got fooled! No sympathy for you old girl.

GRAHAM: (A 'POSH' VOICE) Well, I in turn have a confession to make to you, Barney.

BARNEY: (PUZZLED) Eh?

GRAHAM: This isn't the Secret Tramp

JEAN: (HER NORMAL 'ACTRESS' VOICE) It certainly isn't, Barney! (MIMICS BARNEY) Know what I mean, love?

(JEAN AND GRAHAM SMILE AT EACH OTHER)

GRAHAM: You see Barney. This isn't the Secret Tramp programme. You are actually on (BEAT) Secret Cannibals!

JEAN AND GRAHAM MOVE TOWARDS BARNEY, WIELDING KNIVES AND FORKS AND LAUGHING WICKEDLY. BARNEY BACKS AWAY WIDE-EYED AND WHIMPERING.
________________________________________________________________________________
.

View original

Quote: Henry Thurston @ March 20 2009, 6:13 PM GMT

that was so much easier to read than mine and it read so much more funny, I see what you did there, kept the main brick of it but added some simpler cement. I really like that. Now am I allowed to use that rewrite myself? Lawfully is it mine? Because I would like to. Thanks for taking the time.

View original

'Now am I allowed to use that rewrite myself?' - Yes

Lawfully is it mine? - Yes. 'Additional material by Morrace' would be nice, but I won't hold you to it.

'Thanks for taking the time.' No problem. It was a good exercise.

Morrace
.

This thread confuses me a bit - it's taking liberties with the usual format. Normally, poster A has to wait for a while for some "usual suspects" to pass comment before poster B kicks in to praise the work to the hilt, then there's a bit of debate, and posters C and D come in, one of whom will almost certainly offer sensible critique, and then someone else will suggest posters A B C and D are related. Then poster B will compare the work to that of SimonTX aka Thordox, at which point poster A will dig out an old posting of SimonTX and praise it to the hilt, reminding posters E F and G that they hadn't yet commented on Thordox's work. Then, we all have some Doritos and a good lie down.

Quote: Badge @ March 21 2009, 1:16 AM GMT

This thread confuses me a bit - it's taking liberties with the usual format. Normally, poster A has to wait for a while for some "usual suspects" to pass comment before poster B kicks in to praise the work to the hilt, then there's a bit of debate, and posters C and D come in, one of whom will almost certainly offer sensible critique, and then someone else will suggest posters A B C and D are related. Then poster B will compare the work to that of SimonTX aka Thordox, at which point poster A will dig out an old posting of SimonTX and praise it to the hilt, reminding posters E F and G that they hadn't yet commented on Thordox's work. Then, we all have some Doritos and a good lie down.

View original

Fredox agrees with Badge!
This thread is confusing.
Fredox detests confusion.

I must say that I agree with Prefect Badge. This thread confuses me a bit as well - it's taking liberties with the usual format, which usually consists of enigmatic walruses being watched from the distance as Philomena's indescribable left breast is spontaneously flicked with the wing of a purple albatross. Normally, poster A has to wait for a while for some "usual suspects" to pass comment before poster B kicks in to praise the works of Alexander Badger, a predominant writer and authority on the concept of dialectical consciousness. Then there's a bit of debate about a sudden commotion, heavy footsteps in the hall and dropping of a wine glass heedlessly on the floor. Then posters C and D come in, one of whom will almost certainly offer sensible critique - and then someone else will suggest posters A B C and D are related to Melanie, a talented Mediwitch from a long line of circus performers. Then poster B will compare the work to that of SimonTX aka Thordox, who is a cross between Tolkien and Shakespeare. At which point poster A will dig out a masterpiece (what else?) of the Great SimonTX and praise it to the hilt with words like, 'excellent, funny, creative, funniest, hilarious, genius', (what else?); reminding posters E F and G that they hadn't yet commented on Thordox's work. Then, we all have some Doritos and if we got milk, drink some; have a good lie down with the image of love, humour and genius in our mind's eye. As we drift off to sleep, we can feel the warmth and wisdom of those great purveyors of comedy which is comforting, calming and helps ease our confusion.