Song - I wanna pee while I fly

I've never tried writing topical songs before, but I decided to give it a go a couple of weeks ago and submitted this to Newsrevue and the Treason Show. Neither wanted it, so it might be rubbish, but as I have no experience in song writing I thought I'd put it here to see what you lot think.

I wanna pee while I fly (to the tune of R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly")

I used to try and go when I got on
And the crew would say "just wait it won't be long"
But I just had four pints I must confess
And now I'm sitting here in some distress

If I can hold it, then it's all free, yeah
But I'm nearly leaking; I might have to sneak in

I wanna pee while I fly
I wanna slash while I'm in the sky
I don't see why I should have to pay
When I could go in this seat anyway
If I have one drop more
You'll see me running for that toilet door
So I can pee while I fly
So I can pee while I fly
So I can pee while I fly

And now my bladder seems to weigh a ton.
But a pound's a lot pay to use the John.
It's got so bad I can now barely breath.
I have to find a place to get relief.

If I can hold it, then it's all free, yeah
But I'm nearly leaking; I might have to sneak in

I wanna pee while I fly
I wanna slash while I'm in the sky
I don't see why I should have to pay
I could go in this seat anyway
If I have one drop more
You'll see me running for that toilet door
So I can pee while I fly
So I can pee while I fly
So I can pee while I fly

I didn't make it either. Had a blast writin' it though!

LAVVIES IN THE AIR

Tune: 'Love is in the Air', John Paul Young

Lavvies in the air

Every time you leave the ground.

Lavs of Ryanair

Every shite will cost a pound.

Can I still hold on? I really don't know.

Gotta fight with all my might.

I got no dosh but I really must go

And oh my God, it's a five-hour flight.

Lavvies in the air

For the slither of the pee.

Lavvies charge a fare

For the chunder of the teen.

Can I still hold on? Out it's creeping.

I'm desperate, I need a fag.

I got no dosh, down my leg it's seeping.

Gonna reach out for my mate's sick bag.

(chorus)

Ryanair's new fare

For lavvies in the air

Oh oh oh

Gotta go

Lavvies in the air

For the wiping of the bum.

Lavvie fare's unfair

When you pay for every dump.

I can't hold on, I'm flowing full throttle.

And now there's a number two.

I'll use the tray and my old wine bottle.

What's the difference? It's still airline food.

(repeat chorus)

I thought it was a pretty good effort. Think they had a lot of songs on this topic, as was a request too, and that narrows the odds. Plus more likely to go with the classic big band songs e.g. "Come Fly With Me" (as NR did).

Having said that, I wrote a few snippets of songs for a medley-type thing, one of which had a bit of "I Believe I Can Fly" in - Never had a real chance with this, but was kinda fun:

FLY ME TO THE MOON:

Charging for the loo

So you can wee among the stars

O'Leary will not let you use

Your potty or some jars

In other words, you are screwed

If you've got no cash, and-need a number two

COME FLY WITH ME

Come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away

If you need to poo, use our mile-high loo

Feel free, though you gotta pay

Come fly with me, and have a c**p today

Come fly with us, do a floater in Peru

If you need a hand, our bogs are manned

By our helpful airline crew

Come fly with us, we'll wipe your arse for you

I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

I believe I can fly

Use the toilet up in the sky

I use Ryanair every day

But they always make me pay

Or:

I like to fly Ryanair

They charge me a very small fare

But you still need to bring some cash

Costs a quid to have a slash

And it's bad if you're poor

They won't let you past that toilet door… (TO NEXT SONG)

THE ORVILLE SONG (I WISH I COULD FLY):

I wish I could use

The Ryanair loos

But I can't

(You can)

I can't!

I am just a bird

Who would do a turd

But I can't

(You can)

I can't – Your hand's up me bum.

I really liked the R Kelly song you did.

Imho I think that is one of the worst songs written by man, so maybe NR didn't want it cos they didn't want to sing that dreadful tune.

The lyrics made me laugh out loud, I wish they had picked it up!