Based on an American comedian's 'You know you're a redneck when...', I have attempted to put together a truly British list to indentify the scum.
Let me know how accurate my guide is and (God forbid) if it pertains to you in any way.
You know you are scum if -
1. You have more then 1 tattoo - extra scum points if your tattoos are homemade, mispelt and appear on your face, breast or neck.
2. You borrow your child's bike to go to the off license - extra scum points if you are already drunk whilst riding the bike or if your child is riding tandem.
3. You throw your litter out of the car window - extra scum points if you do this in McDonald's car park after going through the Drive Thru. Maximum scum points if you are parked next to the bin at the McDonald's car park and still throw your litter out the window.
4. Your 3 month old daughter has her ears pierced - extra scum points if you then add additional jewellery or dress her in a 'Porn Star' t-shirt.
5. You have an ASBO - extra scum points if you have a Super ASBO, a curfew and are electronically tagged. Maximum scum points if you then break the Super ASBO and get caught selling drugs in the town centre.
6. When your criminally violent son has been tragically murdered in a knife fight, you utter the phrase 'Well, he was no angel, but he was a good boy'. Extra scum points if you start a foundation or campaign off the back of his death.
7. Your best shirt is a football jersey. Extra scum points if you wear it on holiday in a foreign country. Maximum scums points if you wear it to a formal occassion like a funeral or wedding.
8. You want to be famous despite having no talent. Extra scum points if you appear on any reality show. Maximum scum points if you marry another scumbag from the same reality show and sell your wedding to the glossy magazines.
9. You freely urinate wherever and whenever the mood takes you. Extra scum points if you urinate outside during the day and your sober. Maximum scum points if you urinate in a corner of the garden during a barbeque.
10. Your house has wheels. Extra scum points if your 'travelling' home hasn't left the same spot for 30 years. Maximum scum points if you are asked to move 300 yards up the road to make way for the Olympics, are given loads of money and offered a new home - and you still complain about it.
