TAKE A GANDER

Alright, the finished product of my sitcom is up on the net. You can all take a read if you like. Just click on the link at the bottom of the page. It may ask you for a username and a password.

Username: thewhitestripe3
Password: LukeM

Tell me what you think!

Thanks,
Luke

LAW DISORDER
An off-beat comedy that follows Chase Williams, a young man from a small town whose prospects - and life - go spiraling down the drain when he begins interning in advertising for awell-known New York City law firm. With a boss suspected of insurance fraud, two screw-up undercover FBI agents planning to indict him, and a desperate documentary company attempting to get a good story no matter what it takes, Chase is learning that it's up to him to pull this company together! That is, if he can stay out of trouble himself.

http://pc.celtx.com/user/project/2lSdGICIeS5C

Haven't read yet, but just wanted to say your characters name is shockingly like my characters name from my sitcom who is called Chas Williams

Will read this later.

Whoa! Just a strange occurence, or did I steal it?

We'll never know....

Anyone take a look? Have any comments?

I've read to the end of Act 1. I quite like it, it reminds me a little of The Office (US) in places and also Scrubs and Arrested Development. I got a big laugh from the "This is just like high school" bit and then the flashback including the exact same guy, thought that was very funny. I also liked Chase missing his stop and having to go around the revolving door again, although I think it was spoilt with him falling over and then knocking the woman down and dropping his papers, it seemed a bit slapstick...I thought it was funny enough just him having to go around the revolving door again.

Mr Pershing reminded me a little of Brent/Scott from The Office(s) so you may want to tweek him a little so he becomes his own character. It was just his whole "work can be fun" attitude that reminded me of them.

Everyone forgetting Chases name was pretty funny too but like some other stuff became a little excessive and overused which for me took something away from the original joke.

Chase seems a like a good character though, you definitely get the feel of a small-town guy in the big city. And although Jess hasn't said much yet she seems like she will have a good relationship with Chase. I liked the "big apple" stuff, "I didn't think anyone our age still called it that".

Overall though it definitely has potential, it's also formatted perfectly so is easy to read and it flows nicely, you definitely know how to write. I think just less exaggaration on certain gags, a couple of tweaks to the Pershing character and maybe a few more gags added to the dialouge in places, as you are very good with visual gags and the flashbacks are always funny but sometimes the dialouge between the characters is not always as witty and snappy as it could be.

Good work though and I'll get round to reading Act Two later on.

Oh and also did you get the Private Message I sent you?

Thanks for the read, Martin! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I really appreciate the pointers. I completely understand what you mean about the slapstick stuff. I guess that's one problem I've always had with writing. Slapstick is my favorite kind of comedy, so I've always thrown it in. Some like it, some don't. I suppose I really just wanted to get across that Chase is a clumsy guy and not used to so many people and such a quick-paced life.

As for Pershing being Brent/Scott, I always feared he would be compared. That's why I made him older, less of a prick, and more crazy and wild. Plus, there's a secret identity of his that completely changes his character in episode two. However, I do feel that I want to tweak him a bit more. Thanks for pointing that out more.

I think the dialouge between the new characters in Act Two will make you a bit happier with me. It's much more "witty" and "snappy" with less slapstick stuff. I guess we'll see how you like it!

Thanks again.

And yes, I did get your message. I will definitely take a look today on one of my breaks.

All the best,
Luke

If anyone else is interested in reading, please do! I'm trying to get all the feedback I can!!

Yeah come on guys don't sleep on this.

Here's a more direct link - http://pc.celtx.com/project/2lSdGICIeS5C

I'll try and read it now.

I'll read it soon, Luke and get back to you.

Looks like you've done a lot of work coming up with other plots. I've done a similar amount of plotting myself. Don't know if you've weaved them all together scene by scene yet but talk about painstaking!

I didn't take to it.

As Martin pointed out there's too much slapstick. It's as though you know there's not been a joke or going to be one soon so you have him doing something silly. Visual stuff doesn't work on the page but I can see the revolving door working as long as it's kept to a minimum.

I really don't like people being introduced all the time either. It drags the dialogue down and is deadly dull. "They ad-lib hello's" is a good way of speeding that up for the reader. I'd also get rid of them getting the name wrong all the time which has been done to death and smacks of an amateur. Unless you can provide a fresh slant on it.

I'm afraid I didn't find any of the dialogue witty. I thought it meandered along. Nobody had anything interesting to say that grabbed me. It needs to really fizz off the page. The directions slow it down too. The best scripts have directions when they need it. You don't need to give that picture you've got in your head all the time. Don't tell the cameraman how to use the camera.

Reading off the monitor I find a little difficult so maybe that's me, but aside from the blurb, I couldn't really tell what was going on.

Like you are though, I am a big fan of Arrested Development and their scripts are hard to read too. The flashbacks I'd keep as you can see from AD how well they work.

Really sorry I can't be more encouraging, but I don't watch Sopranos or anything like that so maybe it was never meant for me anyway.

One big plus I would say to you though, Luke, is that I see it had 5700 words. I've seen top sitcoms with as low as 3000 words up to 4000, maybe 4500. So there's lots you can cut off there which will automatically make it a sharper piece.

Thank you very much, David! I really do appreciate you taking the time to write all of that out.

No worries about being more encouraging. Any response is a good response. Maybe it wasn't meant for you, maybe it's just not funny! Either way, I will definitely focus a bit more on the dialog, seeing that both you and Martin made the same comments about it.

Thank you again!