After reading Lee's splendid original sketch I had an idea (not sure how good it was)
I've wrote another sketch (as a runner) working from Lee's original, make of it what you will. Asked Lee if he minded me posting it, which he doesn't, so...
It's obviously not in the same league, but... I'm learning.
EXT. OLD PEOPLES HOME. DAY.
TITLES: "BRIAN BLESSED'S QUIET CORNERS OF GREAT BRITAIN"
MUSIC: SERENE, FOLKY GUITAR THEME TUNE
CAMERA DOES A QUICK PAN OF THE EXTERIOR OF THE BUILDING, COMING TO REST ON THE MANICALLY-GRINNING, ENORMOUSLY-BEARDED BRIAN BLESSED. HE'S STOOD OUTSIDE THE MAIN DOUBLE DOORS.
BRIAN: (VERY LOUDLY)
Ha ha ha! Hello my darlings, and welcome once again to Brian Blessed's Quiet Corners Of Great Britain! Today we're in a quaint little elderly palace... yes, yes, yes, beautiful isn't it? - Not, ha ha ha! Just look at it... (GESTURES THE BUILDING) but I guess we've got to keep them somewhere. Ha, ha, ha!
HE CLUMSILY TRIES TO OPEN THE MAIN DOORS WHICH ARE SECURITY LOCKED.
BRIAN: (CHUNTERING TO HIMSELF)
F**king doors... don't they know I'm coming.
CUT TO:
2. INT. ELDERLY HOME. DAY ROOM. DAY.
THE ELDERLY ARE SAT IN VARIOUS AREAS OF THE DAY ROOM. A SMALL GROUP ARE SAT AROUND A COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF A LARGE TV WHICH IS MUTED. ALL IS CALM.
THE DOOR VIOLENTLY BURSTS OPEN AND BRIAN STRUTS IN. SOME OF THE ELDERLY LOOK STARTLED, MOST ARE OBLIVIOUS.
BRIAN:
Hello my darlings! Ha ha ha!
HE BUSTLES AROUND CHEERILY SAYING "HELLO" TO THE ELDERLY AS HE PASSES. HE REACHES THE SMALL GROUP WHO ARE SAT AT THE TV. HE STANDS THERE GRINNING.
BRIAN:
Hello to you all. Ha ha ha! I'm here...
THEY DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AS THE ARE EITHER ASLEEP OR FIXATED ON THE TV.
BRIAN LOOKS BEFUDDLED BY THEIR RESPONSE. HE CREEPS FORWARD AND BANGS HIS FIST HARD ON THE COFFEE TABLE. WE SEE HE'S HIT IT A LITTLE TOO HARD AS HE SHAKES HIS OWN HAND AFTER. IT STARTLES SOME OF THE ELDERLY FOLK.
BRIAN: (TO AN ELDERLY WOMAN)
It's me... didn't you know I was coming? Look at me... (STROKES HIS OWN BEARD. LICKS FINGER AND STROKES HIS EYEBROWS THEN RAISES THEM)
ELDERLY WOMAN: (TO BRIAN. CONFUSED. SHAKES HEAD)
No... Oh, are you? (SQUINTING) is it time for my pad change deary?
BRIAN:
Oh for god's sake... I knew this one was a bad idea, I knew it, knew it, knew it.
ELDERLY WOMAN: (PUTS ON GLASSES THEN REALISES)
Oh, silly me (LAUGHS) are you that man off the telly? Oo, I am sorry love, I can't see a thing without my...
BRIAN: (BUTTING IN)
Yes, yes, yes I am he. Ha ha ha! (POINTING TO HIMSELF) That's me. (BEATS HIS OWN CHEST)
ELDERLY WOMAN: (EXCITED. NUDGING ELDERLY MAN NEXT TO HER)
It's him, it's him, it's that man off the telly, he's here...
THE ELDERLY MAN IS STILL ASLEEP UNAWARE.
BRIAN:
Ha ha ha! Deaf old bugger. He's not dead is he? Ha ha ha! Is he?
BRIAN GIVES THE ELDERLY MAN AN ALL MIGHTY SHOVE WHICH ALMOST KNOCKS HIM OUT OF HIS CHAIR. HE WAKES WITH MORE THAN A STARTLE.
BRIAN:
Ha ha ha! He's alive. (HAS AN IDEA. TO ELDERLY WOMAN. HOPEFUL) His names not Gordon by any chance is it?
ELDERLY WOMAN:
No.
BRIAN: (DISAPPOINTED)
Oh... (OPTIMISTICALLY) Jordon... maybe?
ELDERLY WOMAN SHAKES HEAD.
ELDERLY MAN:
What's... what... happened? Who is this?
ELDERLY WOMAN: (TALKING AT A SLOW PACE TO THE ELDERLY MAN SO HE UNDERSTANDS)
It's him, (LOOKS TO BRIAN AND ROLLS EYES THEN SHAKES HEAD) you know... I said didn't I, that nice man off the telly... Giant Haystacks.
BRIAN:
Ha ha ha - uh! (REALISES. SNAPPY) What? Giant Haystacks! (GLANCES AT CAMERA IN DISBELIEF) I'm Brian the sensational Blessed darling, look at me.
ELDERLY MAN: (LOOKING BRIAN UP AND DOWN)
You're not the real Giant Haystacks... he's dead.
BRIAN: (CLENCHING BOTH FISTS)
Grrr. Give me strength... I'm Brian Blessed, everyone knows me, Flash Gordon... Star Wars... The Black Adder... what about Z Cars or...
ELDERLY WOMAN: (TALKING OVER HIM)
Dead, Giant Haystacks, well I never... no... who is this then? (REPEATING AGAIN SLOWING HER SPEECH DOWN) who is this then?
BRIAN'S TUGGING ON OWN BEARD IN FRUSTRATION.
ELDERLY WOMAN:
Your not Big Daddy are you? (LOOKING AT HIM CONFUSED) you've got a beard.
BRIAN:
That's it, I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be here, I knew it was a mistake. Look at them, idle buggers. Here's me, age seventy one, climbed mountains, John o Groats to Lands End...
AN ELDERLY MAN WALKS PAST BRIAN.
BRIAN: (DESPERATION)
I'm Brian Blessed... look.
BRIAN THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND THE ELDERLY MAN AND HUGS HIM, LIFTING HIM OFF HIS FEET.
BRIAN:
Big Brian Bear Hug time! Hug me man, hug me! Raaa!
AS BRIAN RELEASES HIS GRIP THE ELDERLY MAN COLLAPSES IN A HEAP.
BRIAN:
Ha ha haaaa! (SERIOUS) Does he always do that? (REALISES)
WE SEE BRIAN'S HAND REACH TO THE CAMERA LENS HE DIRECTS THE CAMERA AWAY TO A BLANK WALL. WE HERE HIS FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY AND A DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE.
ELDERLY WOMAN: (O.O.V.)
I told you it was Giant Haystacks.
END SKETCH
Any feedback welcome
Sometimes a parody's just not needed. Bloomin' 'eck