A piece of....I'm an enquiring mind.

SCENE 2
----- MOVE TO THE BACK CAR PARK, WHICH IS COMPLETELY CLEAN, AS MELVIN HAS BEEN SWEEPING IT, AND IS STILL IN THE PROCESS OF SWEEPING IT-----

MR DOWNSLOW: Good morning Melvin.

MELVIN: Morning Mr Downslow. [Still sweeping]

MR DOWNSLOW: I see you're taking pride in our wonderful establishment Melvin.

MELVIN: Uh!

MR DOWNSLOW: As I know that is the case Melvin, please allow me to show you something; come on, over here Melvin, come on, come over here, now don't be shy!

----MELVIN STOPS SWEEPING AND FOLLOWS HIS BOSS TO THE FAR CORNER OF THE CAR PARK, NEAR HIS BOSSES PARKED CAR-----

MR DOWNSLOW: You see that Melvin!

MELVIN: What's that Mr Downslow?

MR DOWNSLOW: That, Melvin, that! ( He says pointing at the floor)

MELVIN: What's that Mr Downslow?

-----MR DOWNSLOW FROWNS AND HOLDS HIS MOUTH IN HIS USUAL MANNER-----

MR DOWNSLOW: Loose gravel, Melvin, its loose, the gravel, you see, loose? It's obviously an oversight on your behalf Melvin, but all I can say is, a fine establishment will never become great with major oversights like these, now will it Melvin, you tell me, now will it Melvin? Um?

MELVIN: No Mr Downslow.

MR DOWNSLOW: Good good, and after you've dealt with that, come up to my office, and we'll have another one our little chats about motivation ok Melvin!

MELVIN: Yes Mr Downslow.

MR DOWNSLOW: Excellent, ok that will be all, do carry on Melvin, do carry on. [He says as he pats him on the back, and walks off whistling]

MELVIN: Bloody motivation, ill show where you can shove your bleedin motivation, right up your... [Mutters to himself as he resumes sweeping]

Buh?

I knew this already - Down with the dutty babylon, and skin me teeet', long ting soldier rancid boots!

I found this extremely enjoyable. There is a very intelligent and refreshing feeling to the piece. Obviously a lot of work has been done on it. There is a good comedic relationship building up with Mr Downslow and Melvin - similar to Arkwright and Granville of 'Open All Hours' - except that this promises to be a whole lot funnier! I look forward to the next installment - hopefully, there will be one. But on what you have posted so far - Well done!

Yeah, your sarcasm is SOOOOO funny. Well done.

I fear I'm reading too much into the posted script, because I actually quite liked it.

It didn't make me laugh, or even smile, or smirk, or (what's one lower than smirk?). But the thought that this guy has been sweeping all morning, only to be chastised for there being gravel on the floor which is clearly not his fault might have a certain comic merit.

However, it might not be the basis of a sitcom unless further asphalt-based gags are forthcoming.

SCENE 3

-----AT TILLS, SHOPS BUSIER NOW WITH A FEW CUSTOMERS MILLING ABOUT-----

MR DOWNSLOW: Morning ladies! And how are we doing on this fine Monday morning?

-----BOTH LADIES REPLY, "MORNING MR DOWNSLOW!"-----

ROGER: Morning Mr Downslow!

-----MR DOWNSLOW IGNORES ROGER-----

MR DOWNSLOW: I hope you lovely ladies had a fabulous weekend, and got up to all kinds of wonderfully exciting things!

SUE: I watched telly.

MR DOWNSLOW: Television Sue, that's not exciting, come on, one of you must have done something better than that?

MARJORIE: My Dave had a punch up down the Mogul Rosh.

MR DOWNSLOW: I said exciting, not illegal Marjorie.

ROGER: I flew over to Paris and did a bit of bungee jumping with a couple of old friends of mine.

MR DOWNSLOW: Come on, someone must have done something exciting over the weekend! Talvin! Where's Talvin, Talvin there you are!

-----TALVIN COMES DOWN FROM THE TINNED VEGETABLES AISLE, HOLDING A PRICING GUN-----

TALVIN: Hiya boss!

MR DOWNSLOW: Easy tiger. [Points two fingers like a pistol at Talvin and then laughs.]

-----TALVIN DOESN'T LAUGH, AND MR DOWNSLOW STOPS WITH AN AWKWARD COUGH-----

MR DOWNSLOW: I'm sure you did something exciting over the weekend Talvin, you spritely lad. You always seem to get up to mischief.

TALVIN: Well, not really it were pretty... Oh yeah, I nearly forgot, hey funny you should ask that. Me and a few mates went over to the bridge, you know the one on the other side of town? Anyway, we ended up staying over there for so long and getting so hammered, we all ended up taking turns jumping off of the bloody thing! Crazy man! It were well Mad, crazy!

MR DOWNSLOW: Bridge jumping!!! Now that's what I call exciting. Did you hear that girls?

-----BOTH WOMEN SAY NOTHING BUT LOOK YEARNINGFULLY-----

MR DOWNSLOW: On the other side of town you say?

TALVIN: Yeah near the motorway, you know,

MR DOWNSLOW: Really, I've always liked the sound of jumping off a bridge me, but as of yet I've never got around to actually doing it. One on these days though I'm sure…

ROGER: I did, yesterday, don't you know, in Paris of all places.

-----ROGER'S IGNORED-----

MR DOWNSLOW: I'm always surprised at what you get up to at the weekend Talvin! Full of adventure, full of beans as they say, and there's nothing wrong with being full of beans, now is there girls?

-----BOTH GIRLS REPLY, NO MR DOWNSLOW!-----

TALVIN: Well, I better get back to pricing up these baked bean cans boss, if that's alright with you.

MR DOWNSLOW: Certainly Talvin, certainly, don't let me keep you. [Holds his fingers out like a gun and shoots] Tiger. [Winks]

-----TALVIN JUST ABOUT TO WALK AWAY WITHOUT SMILING-----

MR DOWNSLOW: Er one moment, Talvin, can I have a look at what price you're putting on those beans.

-----TALVIN WALKS BACK AND SHOWS HIM THE STICKERS-----

MR DOWNSLOW: What beans are you actually sticking these tabs on Talvin?

TALVIN: The Golden flamers.

MR DOWNSLOW: Now come on Talvin, you know better then that! You know full well that the Golden flamers are priced at 43p a tin, not 42p. That's the price of the standard house beans.

TALVIN: Oh yeah, Sorry Boss.

MR DOWNSLOW: [tuts and shakes his head]
Let's not start to get slack now Talvin, you're a nice chap an all, but we can't be getting slack. Great establishments, can never stay great for very long, with slackness, now can they Talvin.

TALVIN: No boss, sorry boss.

MR DOWNSLOW: I should think so too. [tuts] Now go on, get back to work. I don't know.

[Turns towards Marjorie and Sue.]

Well ladies, I shall retire gracefully, and if anybody should need me, you know where I can be found! As always, slaving away deep in the depths of my bidet! Au revoir!

-----MR DOWNSLOW WALKS AWAY AND GOES TO HIS OFFICE-----

ROGER: I hate it when Mr Downslow ignores me! I did bungee jumping, and I even did it all the way over in Paris, but do I get called a tiger, no, to him I'm not even a flaming pussy!

SUE: I don't know why you don't speak your mind and tell him! Anyway no time for that now, you've got a customer coming.

-----ROGER TURNS AROUND AND WORKS-----

SUE: So Marjorie, you said your mother's coming around next week?

MARJORIE: Yeah that's right. I'm dreading it actually.

SUE: Why's that?

MARJORIE: well because she always complains about everything I do. And, she don't like Dave not one bit.

SUE: Why doesn't she like Dave?

MARJORIE: She says that he's the kind of man who likes to live on the edge, and, she thinks that he's too rough, you know, common? [Picks out her teeth with her nail]

SUE: Oh don't worry, you'll be fine, all mothers are like that, I mean, I can remember when my mother first met my EX-husband, she didn't like him either.

MARJORIE: What, did he live on the edge too?

SUE: No, he was an insurance broker.

MARJORIE: Oh!

SUE: If anything she thought he was too bloody boring. I can remember her words now as she sat me down on the settee and told me straight. She said "Sue, that man will drag you into boredom quicker than a night in with des Lynham, while he recounted the entire year's football scores!" She also said that if I stayed with him, I'd end up living a life of "watching telly programmes that I didn't like, hand scrubbing old pants, and oiling corns".

MARJORIE: Ooh!

SUE: well I'm actually happy that I listened to her for once; I mean, it worked out for the best in the end, at least now I can watch the programmes that I want to watch.

-----JUST THEN TWO YOUTHS COME IN TO THE SUPERMARKET, AS WELL AS A PENSIONER-----

Quote: Matthew Stott @ March 14 2009, 1:17 AM GMT

Yeah, your sarcasm is SOOOOO funny. Well done.

View original

With respect, Mr Stott, after reading the above second installment, I suggest you take the words "Yeah, your sarcasm is SOOOOO funny. Well done."; place them between two buttered slices of bread and enjoy.

Quote: jonny2 @ March 14 2009, 2:41 PM GMT

With respect, Mr Stott, after reading the above second installment, I suggest you take the words "Yeah, your sarcasm is SOOOOO funny. Well done."; place them between two buttered slices of bread and enjoy.

View original

Well, I was planning on doing that anyway.