Fruity Plums
A stall at an east-end market place. The OWNER of the stall is checking over his stock at the start of the day. A CUSTOMER comes up to the stall and starts to inspect the wares The OWNER ignores him.
OWNER
Pomegranate! Lychee! Nutmeg!
CUSTOMER
Nutmeg? That's not a fruit, surely!
OWNER
Ah! You noticed. Well done sir. Well, I'm diversifying.
CUST
Diversifying?
OWN
That's correct, good sir.
CUST
Never mind that. About these plums…
OWN
Yes?
CUST
Can you vouch for their fruitiness?
OWN
I can certainly vouch for their pluminess, in that they are indeed plums.
CUST
Well, they don't look very fruity to me…
OWN
Pardon me sir, are you impugning the fruitiness of these plums? These plums that I painstakingly grew from seed, pruning, watering and reciting from the collected works of Berthold Brecht, in order to ensure maximum fruitiness and sensation of taste?
CUST
Really?
OWN
No. I bought them from the wholesalers. But I can absolutely assure you that the principle is sound, and I would be just as defensive if I had grown them myself.
CUST
What?
OWN
Sir, one cannot go around impugning the fruitiness of strangers' fruit. I mean you wouldn't go up to a German butcher and call the meatiness of his schnitzel into question now, would you?
CUST
Excuse me?
OWN
Worst for it, the German butchers (produces a sign saying 'Metzgereigeschaftshandler' and holds it long enough for the audience to read). I've lost count of the number of lives irreparably damaged at World Butcher's conferences due to disparaged sausages.
CUST
You're a fruit and veg stall, aren't you?
OWN
I'm not, but this stall does purvey a variety of fruits et legumes. And as I previously mentioned, I am diversifying.
CUST
Oh yes, you said.
OWN
Yes. Today fruit and veg, tomorrow meat, Thursday, well, who can say sir? Second hand videos? Dodgy SIM cards three for a fiver! You see sir, that's the trouble with the modern market place these days – too many stalls, not enough stallholders. All the young people are into this online trading these days. I wanted to get into that myself, but there was no way I could fit Camden Town on a laptop. I tried, oh believe me I tried.
CUST
Look, I've been here nearly three minutes, and we've barely touched on these plums. I've listened to you tell me of psychotic Metzgereigeschaftshandlers (to audience) that's German for owner of a butcher's shop, in case you were wondering (to OWNER) and the pressures facing the modern stall-holder in terms of time management and diversification. And all this time, these plums have remained in their un-fruity state. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if after my tedious rant here that they have lost any fruitiness they may have had to start with.
OWN
Ah, now we come to the very nub of the matter, the crux if you will, the nexus, they very pith…
CUST
Look, can I give one a squeeze? To ascertain it's fruitiness or lack thereof?
OWN
If you must. Squeeze hearty.
The CUSTOMER picks a plum and squeezes and a pathetic dribble of water comes out. The CUSTOMER looks unimpressed.
OWN
That's really more of a juiciness issue.
© Balfour and Robertson
