2 7on7 sketches (Not even rejected, just ignored)

hello
first posting, but thought that I'd like to get some 'healthy' opinion on a couple of things I submitted (though the formatting has gone wrong on pasting into Googlemail).
Anyway, fire at will....
thanks,
Issy.

1. Pensions Scandal:
F/X:INTERCOM BUZZER

WOMAN P.A.:Chancellor? Sorry for the delay, I've now got Sir Fred Goodwin, former head of Royal Bank of Scotland on the line for you.

F/X: PHONE IS PICKED UP

CHANCELLOR DARLING:Ah, Sir Fred, you little chiseller. How about some of that pension back then?

SIR FRED ON OTHER END OF PHONE THROUGHOUT) No.

CHANCELLOR DARLINGir Fred. Your bank lost twenty-four billion Pounds while you were in charge. We need the money back.

SIR FRED:No.

CHANCELLOR DARLING:Not convinced, huh? Then you leave me only one course of action. Sir Fred Goodwin - please can we have the money back? We really need it.

SIR FRED:No.

CHANCELLOR DARLINGretty please?

SIR FRED:No.

CHANCELLOR DARLING:You want to play rough-house do you? Sir Fred Goodwin, if you don't give us some of your pension back right now, we're gonna come round your house and, erm, throw stones through your windows.

SIR FRED:No.

CHANCELLOR DARLINGf course, on a pension of £650,000 a year, you can afford a new set of windows.

SIR FRED:Yes.

CHANCELLOR DARLINGir Fred, the Labour party has made it very clear that we won't let bankers walk away with huge pensions when things have gone wrong under their control….that's our job.

F/XOUND OF PHONE BEING PUT DOWN.

CHANCELLOR DARLING: Bugger!

(OFF) Sorry Gordon! We're gonna have to find the money for your £124,000 pension from somewhere else!

END

2. HOLLYWOOD, WEEK AFTER OSCARS.

F/X:ROOM FULL OF GUYS TALKING, INTERRUPTED BY INTERCOM BUZZER

STUDIO P.A.:Mister Silbermanovitzokopfovichovichovich?

STUDIO BOSS::I told you before honey, call me Marty. My time's expensive.

STUDIO P.A.:Marty, I got Pierce holding on Line nine hundred and seven- b, wants to know if he should keep going with the singing lessons, I got Brad holding on line one, wants to know if being so delightfully, wonderfully, joyously happy is stopping him winning an Oscar and does he have to come down here fire your sorry ass to get a winning film idea out of you, and oh and I got Meryl holding hostages in the elevator?

STUDIO BOSS:It's N-O to Pierce, "Grandmamma Mia!" is in turnaround. Cut the cable on Meryl, that's my own personal elevator. Tell Brad I promise I'll call him back in an hour with a winning idea. And where's my goddamn lunch Miss Angelino?

(PAUSE)
STUDIO BOSS: (CLOSE) please?

Okay you guys, we got 364 days to put Brad up on the podium. Who's got the big idea?

STUDIO EXEC#1:I got it. It's a sitter: We make "Slumdog Millionaire… The Sequel."

STUDIO BOSS:Like it. In fact, I had the same idea just before you, but was letting you speak first. What we gonna call it?

STUDIO EXEC#2oh, just top of my head, but what about, "Slumdog Millionaire -Part 2"

STUDIO BOSSumb idea. Gotta think bigger.

STUDIO EXEC#1::Listen up, check it: "Slumdog…Billionaire: Ten Times the Torture."

STUDIO EXEC#2r maybe we could go even bigger?: "Slumdog Trillionaire: The Bank Bailout Package"

STUDIO BOSS/ EXEC #1/2:No/It'll never work/Not a chance.

STUDIO BOSS:What am I paying you guys for? You gotta think outside the coffin.

STUDIO EXEC#1::Is Quentin shooting sequels yet? We could do Reservoir Slumdogs.

STUDIO BOSS:No, no, no. No more dogs.

STUDIO EXEC#2lumcatz? With music by Andrew Lloyd Webber?

STUDIO BOSS:Younger, gotta grab the 16-18 demographics.

STUDIO EXEC#1:Relaxo. Call the Kodak, reserve me my seat. I got it. We take it 'Adult': "Bumdog Millionaire".

STUDIO BOSS:It's in production already. In a coupla places, actually. Come on, it's a sequel…We made the sequel for Alien better than the original. So we do-

STUDIO EXEC#2::We do "Slumdog Millionaires"?

STUDIO BOSS:No, after that.

STUDIO EXEC #1::"Slumdog Millionaire – Three", with the three up in the air a little bit, like a cubed sign?

STUDIO BOSS:After that…

STUDIO EXEC#2:Alien Vs Predator?

STUDIO BOSS::That's it! Brilliant. He picks up the envelope, opens it, a pause, "And the winner is…dum, de, dum, dum, dum!: "Slumdog Millionaire Vs…Oliver!"

STUDIO EXEC#1:With music by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

STUDIO BOSS:I am a freaking genius. Miss Angelino! Get me Brad on the line!

END
:

Hi Issy

First one's good, but I'd drop the whole windows line and responses to shorten it up. Final punchline is okay but I'm sure there's a better spin along the same lines (Gordon just being jealous of the banker's amount might be a better way to go perhaps).

Second one, I'm not sure about. It does seem like just a couple of people throwing ideas about and some of the ideas are better than this particular sketch. ie. if you did spoof movie trailers for Grandmamma Mia (brill idea!) and Slumdog Trillionnaire (based in Zimbabwe). I think recurring sketches (three) based on Slumdog Millionaire with the last one being Slumdog Millionaire v. Oliver would be a nice potential set of sketches for somewhere.

Hope this is useful

Dan

thanks Dan
that's good thoughts and sounds like it would improve things a lot.
I

I love the slumdog sketch...brilliant

I largely agree with what swerytd said. The first sketch needs a bit of a trim and the punchline is a bit obvious so a slightly different angle would be good. I'd keep that line "it's our job" but put it right near the start of the sketch, probably to replace the 'chiseller' line.

The second one is full of weak puns. Nothing wrong with puns, mind, but I think they need to be really strong ones to work on radio - so that the audience laughs instead of groaning. Swerytd's idea of taking your film ideas and running with them is a very good one - particularly setting the Slumdog sequel in Zimbabwe although I'd probably go a bit further and call it Slumdog Bazillionaire.

thank you, really great feedback. Something you wrote just made me laugh, thanks for that.
I.

Quote: Afinkawan @ March 11 2009, 5:02 PM GMT

Slumdog Bazillionaire.

View original

Dan

Liked the second one better - what about LOLcat Millionaire - I can has money? to bring in kids ?