Another sketch David Mitchell will never see

In for a penny, in for a pound. Here's one I submitted about the Greek robbers who escaped from prison twice in 3 months - in a helicopter.

GUARD: Welcome to Athens prison. The most secure prison in the world. For you the crime is over. Escape is impossible.

PRISONER:They have not built the prison that can hold me.

GUARD: You reckon without our state of the art security systems. We have sniffer dogs which can detect the merest hint of metal in a cake.

F/X:A GROWLING DOG AND THE CLATTER OF A PLATE HITTING THE FLOOR

GUARD: That giant baklava your mother brought in seems to have aroused his suspicion. Eat Stavros, eat! <BEAT> Ah-ha! Just as I suspected a giant file.

F/X:A DOG SCOFFING FOOD NOISILY FOLLOWED BY A CLANG AND A YELP

PRISONER:Curse you Stavros! Baklava is a pastry not a cake, I was sure you would be fooled.

GUARD: No sweetmeat or sugary comestible containing escape paraphernalia gets past Stavros! <BEAT> And tunnelling is impossible, all our cutlery is made of a special metal which melts if it comes into contact with soil.

PRISONERamn!

GUARD: Our vaulting horse contains no hiding place, and the open trucks of hay which unaccountably enter and leave the prison on a regular basis are so precisely weighed that if a driver gets in after stepping in one of Stavros' poos it would trip an alarm.

PRISONER: I'm not surprised. They stink.

GUARD: It's not his fault. It's the cake. It plays havoc with his metabolism. <BEAT> Now, do you have any questions before I slam shut the door of your cell and leave you to brood on the impossibility of escape?

PRISONER:Just one. I suppose you have an impregnable storage place for the prison's supply of aviation fuel?

GUARD: Of course, do you think we are amateurs? It is stored on this very floor, protected by a flimsy lock and our oldest and least competent guard.

PRISONER: Well, you seem to have thought of everything. Damn you!

GUARD: Indeed. Prepare yourself for a long and hopeless stay.

F/XOUND OF SOMEONE BUMPING THEIR HEAD ON SOMETHING METALLIC.

GUARD: Ow! Do you have to have this thing in here?

PRISONER: Sorry officer, it's my life-size helicopter nightlight, I can' sleep without it.

GUARD: It's a health and safety hazard, see that it's gone by morning

PRISONER: No problem.

Very well written and funny - especially last exchange, but the helicopter nightlight is too silly to stay and I love silly jokes. Also why is there no place to hide in the vaulting horse?

Lose the <beats> as well, they're annoying.

This might be just how I've imagined it read but it seemed a bit clunky in the pacing, but it made me laugh.

Yeah, no beats in comedy I think, let the director and the actor decide how to deliver it.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ March 8 2009, 12:08 AM GMT

Very well written and funny - especially last exchange, but the helicopter nightlight is too silly to stay and I love silly jokes. Also why is there no place to hide in the vaulting horse?

Lose the <beats> as well, they're annoying.

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Thanks Godot. The helicopter nightlight thing was what (I hoped) made it topical(ish). I can see it was a bit of a jump, but couldn't see a better way of shoe-horning the helicopter ref in.

Quote: escalinci @ March 8 2009, 12:46 AM GMT

This might be just how I've imagined it read but it seemed a bit clunky in the pacing, but it made me laugh.

Yeah, no beats in comedy I think, let the director and the actor decide how to deliver it.

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Thanks Escallini. Like, it appears, many people on the forum I left this comp rather late so I didn't get chance to re-visit as I normally would so it does probably lack a bit of polish.

The beat comment will be really useful if I ever submit any of my stuff to anyone. I have a massive tendancy to over-write stage directions; I have managed to reduce this to a degree recently, but the beats seem to have slipped through the net. I can see how patronising this could sound to professionals as well as being generally irritating. Thanks again guys.

I'm a (very) new writer, I find it helps to read it out before rewriting it. I submitted mine 15 mins before the deadline, but I had rewritten it once, and shown it to a friend. Mine only started to make me laugh after that, it was like the jokes were hidden in my silly exposition and wordy explanations. Maybe that's obvious. I'll post mine Monday.

I usually try to put mine aside for a day or two and come back to them to try to get some distance which I find helps me to spot the weaknesses (overwriting is generally my crime too) but really screwed up the timescales on this submission so had to make do with about 10 minutes.

The GUARDs lines feel way too long and it's all a bit talking-heads rather than anything actually happening in the sketch. I'd have thought in a sketch about them escaping, you'd do the actual escaping!

The bits with the stuff happening with F/X around the dog brought a bit of life to it though.

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ March 9 2009, 3:06 PM GMT

The GUARDs lines feel way too long and it's all a bit talking-heads rather than anything actually happening in the sketch. I'd have thought in a sketch about them escaping, you'd do the actual escaping!

The bits with the stuff happening with F/X around the dog brought a bit of life to it though.

Dan

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Hi Dan,

I see what you mean about the guards lines. I was going for the 'for you the war is over' vibe where the nazi explain how escape-proof the camp is at the start of the great escape type movie. I guess I remembered that as being quite wordy.

Not sure I get the bit about needing to show the escape though.

I just meant something needs to happen and the obvious thing to happen could be the escape itself (or a part thereof)! Not necessarily that, but *something*!

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ March 9 2009, 11:14 PM GMT

I just meant something needs to happen and the obvious thing to happen could be the escape itself (or a part thereof)! Not necessarily that, but *something*!

Dan

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Ah, OK. thanks for the clarification.