An offer they can't refuse

This was one of the sketches I sent in to 7 on 7. Not sure how formatting carries over - may need to edit it. Didn't have long to do this as it was a last minute idea. Any thoughts?

AN OFFER THEY CAN'T REFUSE

JONNOo you think they'll cough up?

ROGERunno, but they're really scared so I reckon we'll get something.

JONNOo we just send it? And they send us the money? It'll definitely work this time?

ROGER:Well I can't guarantee it, can I? but those Nigerians just pitched it all wrong. That was all.

JONNOK, then. So do we say "Dear Labour party members"?

ROGERYep. Then: "Following recent business transactions with Mr Straw's constituents we would like to make you an offer."

JONNOh, I like that. Very businesslike. Professional.

ROGER:Then put "We can arrange for Gordon Brown to be detained for up to 4 months at a mystery location without his wallet, passport or phone. This could coincide with the British general election."

JONNOK. Then just our bank account details?

ROGER:Yup. Then we just sign off.

JONNO:And there won't be any come back or anything when it doesn't happen, will there?

ROGER:Well they're paying for a kidnap aren't they? They can't exactly nip down to the local police station and demand justice because it hasn't happened. Don't be so jumpy.

JONNOK… and press 'send'… Done. So, what now?

ROGER:Now we wait for the money to roll in. And in the meantime let's start re-drafting that email. You can start; "Dear Conservative Party Members"

JONNO:Right…

ROGER:Then change that bit… yeah. Then say; "A small donation from yourself can prevent Gordon Brown being kidnapped for the duration of the election period…"

It is fine as far as the punchline; unfortunately that comes half way through the sketch...

Well done for being brave enough to post; my 7 0n 7 efforts will never see the light of day...

I think it's a bit wordy to be honest. I'd start with the 'Dear Labour Party Members...' bit and I'd have the letter being read out rather than 'put this' and 'then put that', as though they're quality controlling.

I quite like the ending and the twist, but I think it needs more funnies along the way.

Dan