Brian Blessed's Quiet Corners Of Great Britain

1. EXT. VILLAGE CHURCH. DAY.

TITLES: "BRIAN BLESSED'S QUIET CORNERS OF GREAT BRITAIN"

MUSIC: SERENE, FOLKY GUITAR THEME TUNE

CAMERA DOES A QUICK PAN OF THIS IDYLLIC VILLAGE SCENE, COMING TO REST ON A MANICALLY-GRINNING, ENORMOUSLY-BEARDED BRIAN BLESSED.

BRIAN:
(VERY LOUDLY) Ha ha ha! Hello my darlings, and welcome to Brian Blessed's Quiet Corners Of Great Britain! Today we're in the sleepy hamlet of Hushington-On-The-Wold, where we'll be visiting one of Britain's oldest churches, St Bartholomew's. Wonderful! Ha ha ha!

CUT TO:

2. INT. CHURCH. DAY.

A SMALL FUNERAL IS IN PROCESS. THE VICAR IS AT THE PULPIT, GIVING A EULOGY.QUIET ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.

VICAR:
O Lord, you who art the father of mercies, look with compassion we pray upon all gathered here now as we mourn the passing of...

THE DOOR VIOLENTLY BURSTS OPEN AND BRIAN STEPS IN. THE ORGAN MUSIC CRUNCHES TO A HALT.

BRIAN:
Hello my darlings! Ha ha ha!

HE BUSTLES IN AND QUICKLY MAKES HIS WAY UP THE AISLE, CHEERILY SAYING "HELLO" TO THE MOURNERS AS HE GOES. HE REACHES THE VICAR AND STANDS THERE GRINNING AT HIM.

VICAR:
Erm...can I help?

BRIAN:
Brian Blessed at your service. (HE REALISES HIS JOKE) Oh! At your service! Get it? I'm quite literally "at your service"! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha haaa!

QUICK SHOT OF THE MOURNERS LOOKING AT EACH OTHER IN BEWILDERMENT.

VICAR:
I'm sorry...why are you here?

BRIAN:
Why I'm here to look at your church of course darling! (LOOKS AROUND) Yes, it's a church alright! Wonderful! Ha ha ha!

VICAR:
Look, I'm sorry - I'm going to have to ask you to leave, this is a private funeral service.

BRIAN:
Leave? Why on Earth would you want me to leave darling? I'm Brian Blessed! Here, I'll prove it. Let me give you a bear hug!

VICAR:
No, I'm fine, thank you...

BRIAN:
Tummyrot! Everyone loves a Big Brian Bear Hug! Come on you miserable, wonderful bastard! Hug me!

BRIAN THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND THE VICAR AND HUGS HIM, LIFTING HIM OFF HIS FEET.

BRIAN:
Ha ha ha! Wonderful, wonderful huggytime!

A MOURNER BEGINS TO CRY. BRIAN DROPS THE VICAR AND TURNS TO THE PEWS.

BRIAN:
Well whatever's the matter with you people? I've never seen such a lot of Gloomy Gordons! Can't you see I'm Brian Blessed? I've climbed mountains, you know! Look!

HE CLAMBERS ON TOP OF THE COFFIN AND DOES A LITTLE JIG.

BRIAN:
Look Ma, I'm on top of the world! Ha ha ha!

HE GRABS A NEARBY GOBLET OF COMMUNION WINE, DOWNS IT IN ONE, AND THROWS IT TO ONE SIDE. HE JUMPS DOWN OFF THE COFFIN AND RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT IN ONE PIECE, REVEALING A HUGE HAIRY CHEST. HE ADOPTS A WRESTLER'S POSE.

BRIAN:
Right, who's for a wrestle?

THE MOURNERS STARE OPEN-MOUTHED IN SILENCE.

BRIAN:
No? Oh well! (TURNS TO CAMERA) You've been watching Brian Blessed's Quiet Corners Of Great Britain. Join us next week when I pay a visit to Westminster Reference Library where we'll be looking at...books...and shit. Ha ha haaaa!

END SKETCH

I really liked this, and can really visualise it. Very funny, although the 'and shit' bit at the end seemed a bit incongruous.

Very funny. The title alone made me laugh like a baboon. This line also made me laugh a lot:

"Here, I'll prove it. Let me give you a bear hug!"

I think this line is the funniest one to end on:

BRIAN:
Right, who's for a wrestle?

Or maybe you could insert it into the end like this:

BRIAN:
No? Oh well! (TURNS TO CAMERA) You've been watching Brian Blessed's Quiet Corners Of Great Britain. Join us next week when I pay a visit to Westminster Reference Library where we'll be looking at...books...and shit. Ha ha haaaa! (BEAT) Right, who's for a wrestle?

Quote: Rob H @ March 6 2009, 2:10 PM GMT

I really liked this, and can really visualise it. Very funny, although the 'and shit' bit at the end seemed a bit incongruous.

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Agreed. Only one thought - rather than jumping down off the coffin, why not stay atop, then have the lid give way with a crunch after his closing link to camera?

Quote: Ben @ March 6 2009, 2:21 PM GMT

The title alone made me laugh

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Ditto.

Quote: Aaron @ March 6 2009, 2:26 PM GMT

Agreed. Only one thought - rather than jumping down off the coffin, why not stay atop, then have the lid give way with a crunch after his closing link to camera?

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That's a good point, Aaron. Perhaps it's time you resurrected your writing career?

Taking Ben's thoughts:

BRIAN:
Look Ma, I'm on top of the world! Ha ha ha!

HE GRABS A NEARBY GOBLET OF COMMUNION WINE, DOWNS IT IN ONE, AND THROWS IT TO ONE SIDE. HE RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT IN ONE PIECE, REVEALING A HUGE HAIRY CHEST.

THE MOURNERS STARE OPEN-MOUTHED IN SILENCE. BRIAN TURNS TO CAMERA.

BRIAN:
You've been watching Brian Blessed's Quiet Corners Of Great Britain. Join us next week when I pay a visit to Westminster Reference Library where we'll be looking at...books... (BEAT) Ha ha haaaa!

HE GIVES A MANIC GRIN BEFORE THE COFFIN LID GIVES WAY WITH A CRUNCH. HE ADOPTS A WRESTLER'S POSE.

BRIAN:
Right, who's for a wrestle?

END SKETCH

Wow! Aaron and I just collaborated!

Quote: Ben @ March 6 2009, 2:32 PM GMT

That's a good point, Aaron. Perhaps it's time you resurrected your writing career?

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GIVES BIG BRIAN BLESSED-ESQUE LAUGH

Perhaps one day.

Nice one, Henman. Written for this guy by any chance?

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=46018441

Agree that the "shit" is unnecessary. Ending on wrestling as Aaron suggests works just fine.

*takes razorblade to own skin*

Quote: David Bussell @ March 6 2009, 3:14 PM GMT

Nice one, Henman. Written for this guy by any chance?

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=46018441

Agree that the "shit" is unnecessary. Ending on wrestling as Aaron suggests works just fine.

*takes razorblade to own skin*

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Oh Dave he's bloody wonderful! Who is he?

Another good one. Do like the idea of the wood cracking, and agree the "...and shit" felt a little off tone - though when I hear it in the voice could change my mind

Quote: Lee Henman @ March 6 2009, 3:19 PM GMT

Oh Dave he's bloody wonderful! Who is he?

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I'll PM you.

Quote: Rob0 @ March 6 2009, 3:39 PM GMT

Another good one. Do like the idea of the wood cracking, and agree the "...and shit" felt a little off tone - though when I hear it in the voice could change my mind

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Yeah - I have actually heard Blessed say "and shit" in an interview and it really made me laugh. But perhaps for the purposes of this sketch I'll get rid.

Also the coffin collapsing was in the original idea but I took it out for ease-of-filming purposes. You'd have to have a coffin prop constructed with a false lid etc...although I suppose it could be acheived with a close-up of Brian falling and a wood splintering sound effect. Also I just wonder whether it's a tad slapsticky?

I dunno. I'll have a think.

Quote: Lee Henman @ March 6 2009, 3:49 PM GMT

Also I just wonder whether it's a tad slapsticky?

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Nowt wrong with a bit of slapsticky.