The Used Car Salesman

OK, and because I like the sound of Lee's 'The Comedy Competition Sketch Show', and because the only way you can be part of it is by posting a sketch, here's one.

A USED CAR LOT SITUATED ON A MAIN ROAD. ‘GLORIA STITS AUTOS’ THE SALESMAN – PATRONISING AND SMARMY – IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A POSSIBLE SALE. THE FEMALE CUSTOMER - ORDINARY AND UNASSUMING - IS CLEARLY UNIMPRESSED AND IS NOT HAPPY WITH THE ATTITUDE SHE IS BEING SUBJECTED TO. THEY ARE STANDING BESIDE A VOLVO ESTATE CAR.

SALESMAN
Well madam, this is a very smooth runner, only had two owners, got less than 50k on the clock and comes with six months left on the MOT. (PATS THE ROOF) I think this vehicle will give you exactly what you want at a price you can afford.

WOMAN
(FIRMLY) No. This isn’t what I spoke to you about. I’m not interested.

SALESMAN
I can’t think why. I mean just look at what you’re getting for the money. Air conditioning, heated seats and even a cd radio! It’s a perfect spec and I really fail to see what the problem is.

WOMAN
The problem is that this is an estate car, which is exactly what I didn’t want.

SALESMAN
Ah, but did I mention there’s a full service history?

WOMAN
(FRUSTRATEDLY) But I told you I wanted a smaller car, a run-around – not an estate!

SALESMAN
I hear what you’re saying but…. (OPENING THE PASSENGER DOOR) As you can see, the driving and passenger areas are quite compact.

WOMAN
But it’s still an estate!

SALESMAN
Well, I rather like to think of it as a stretch mini.

WOMAN
(INCENSED) I want a small car! I don’t want an estate!

SALESMAN
And let’s not forget the power assisted steering.

WOMAN
Why aren’t you listening to a word I’m saying?

SALESMAN
Is the colour not to your liking?

WOMAN
(EXASPERATED) My God! What is it with you people?

THE SALESMAN APPEARS SURPISED.

WOMAN
I wanted something like a Fiesta or a Mini and all you’ve been doing for the last half hour is wasting my time trying to fob me off with something I don’t want and I’ve had enough. Goodbye!

SHE ANGRILY TURNS AND LEAVES.

WOMAN
(FIRMLY UNDER HER BREATH) Bloody estate agents!

Very good. I didn't see that coming (although I probably should!)

That was good. But if you want to be apart of "the project" you have to enter into the competitions and win preferably.

Oh yes. I've got to close the other one's voting tonight haven't I.

didn't work for me personally, maybe use some of the estate agent cliches when describing the car perhaps...

Nice one mate. Totally unexpected.

The first time I read it I didn't get it, but I put that down more to my inherent stupidity that any fault with the sketch. I liked it, although I agree with Pilot that perhaps you could use a few Estate Agent stereotypical phrases in the sketch to prepare the audience for the punchline without giving it away.

Cheers guys for all your comments.

Quote: Leevil @ July 27, 2007, 8:48 PM

That was good. But if you want to be apart of "the project" you have to enter into the competitions and win preferably.

View original

Absolutely. No short cuts to the top on this forum and shame on me for trying to crowbar something in on the sly.

Quote: Baumski @ July 28, 2007, 12:27 PM

Absolutely. No short cuts to the top on this forum and shame on me for trying to crowbar something in on the sly.

View original

Well David is the boss now and I hear he's crooked, but that could just be the way he walks?

Hi Baumski

I thought that this was dragging a bit until the punchline and then sudenly all became clear. Nice one!

Quote: dfgumby @ July 28, 2007, 11:18 AM

I agree with Pilot that perhaps you could use a few Estate Agent stereotypical phrases in the sketch to prepare the audience for the punchline without giving it away.

View original

I've been thinking about this point and I suppose if I was taking the writing in that direction then that's what I would have done but I wasn't. All it's about is a very gentle use of words. Still appreciate the comments though.

‘GLORIA STITS AUTOS’
Bugger me - Benny Hill lives! Good to see you posting work tho'.

Well, y'know, attention to detail and that sort of thing. Cheers Fred.