Stand up routine for a gig at Cambrige uni

This is going to be my first stand up gig, some time next week, so let me know what you think of this. Any and all criticism is greatly appreciated. Please be very very harsh on it. Thanks.

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Hey guys, I'm Andy, I'll be your entertainment for the next 5 minutes. I use the word 'entertainment' loosely. hopefully you'll all like it, although they say you can't please everyone. My sister certainly puts that theory to the test.

It's great to be back in Cambridge - this is actually the second time I've been here. The first time was for my interview at the university, and I haven't been back since, so you can guess how well that went.

But anyway, it is great to be here. Let's first thank the organisers of this show, Corry - without her there wouldn't be one, so let's give her a big round of applause.

[applause]

Well, I say without them...they're not the ones standing up on stage, palms sweaty, racking their brains for some jokes, having travelled hundreds of miles for this 'opportunity', but whatever.

And when I say travel, I mean TRAVEL. I actually go to uni in Leeds, and my family lives in Warwickshire, so this is a little out of the way. You're probably thinking to yourselves, Andy, if you go to uni in Leeds, and you live in Warwickshire, why didn't you do the heat in Sheffield, or Manchester, or Coventry, or even Glamorgan? All of those places would have been much easier for you than coming all the way to Cambridge, surely?

Good question. [turn to show organisers] Corry? Organisers? Any idea why I've had to travel 300 miles round trip to be here? No? Then I take back the applause we gave you. Thanks anyway.

I worked out that I've travelled about 300 miles, just to be on stage for 5 minutes. That works out as one second per mile travelled. I'd much rather have done the heat in Coventry with the same ratio of time to distance. 7 miles from my parents house, it is. I'd just get on stage, Hi, I'm Andy Lynch, doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains, pull yourself together man, pause for laughs, thank you very much, good night!

It's probably a good thing I didn't do it in Coventry though, it's not a city that's exactly world-renowned for its intellectual capability. In English class we were talking about oxymorons, and my mate came up with a fantastic one - "Coventry University". The place is educational and cultural abyss, where knowledge, spelling and grammar go to die, trampled on by cheap adidas trainers before being tossed aside like a split condom and a positive pregnancy test. Someone I know said to me on A-level results day, "Oh, I got into Coventry Uni!" Wow, what did you do, open the door?

Anyway, comedy. You always get a little nervous before you go on stage. I remember the first time I did it, I was so nervous. More nervous than my cambridge interview, which I didn't get into, even more nervous than the first time I talked to a really hot girl, who I also didn't get into.

I mean I love being on stage, I love telling jokes, I love making people laugh, but whenever I tell someone I'm doing comedy, their response is always the same. "Oh my god, I've got this great joke you can tell, it'll kill." These people are liars. My girlfriend said to me, "Oh, I've got this great joke you can tell!".....go on then.

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
"...What?"
"Lickalotapuss!"
"[sigh]......[mime backhanded slap]"

Luckily she's not here tonight. She's not a fan of going out in public with a black eye.

My Dad was the same. I said to him "Oh, I'm coming home for the weekend, so I can travel to Cambridge to do this comedy show."
"Oh, I know a great joke you can tell...."
"....fine...."
"You know those signs that say Bill Posters will be prosecuted?"
"Yeah...."
"I always thought Bill Posters was innocent! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
".............."

Everyone always has something to say, when I tell people that I'm getting on stage in front of a bunch of strangers. My girlfriend said to me, "aren't you nervous, trying to make complete strangers laugh?"

It wouldn't be a whole crowd of complete strangers if you would COME TO ONE OF MY FUCKING SHOWS, YOU UNSUPPORTIVE CUNT.

My housemate said the same thing, he said, "aren't you nervous? what if it's just like the opening scene from 8 mile?"

"what do you mean?"

[Rap this bit with wigga arm movements] "his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti, he's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he heeps on forgetting what he wrote down."

"What?"

It's not his fault he's a moron. Thanks to his east london upbringing he finds it hard to communicate ideas without rapping. I've literally seen him try to hit on girls by rapping Dizzee Rascal.

[rap this bit as well - with actions of him approaching a girl] "What's up darling, I've been keepin my eyes on your movement, I can't see no room for improvement, when you're all over there on your jack jones, you need to let me get behind your back bone."

[pause]

[mime girl backhand slapping him]

I keep telling him it's all about confidence, and you just need to be sure of yourself, even a little arrogant, and you'll be fine. I'm often accused of being arrogant - one time we were drunk, and for some reason we started talking about religion. Now I'm an atheist, and I'm convinced that my point of view is right. I'm convinced there's no god, but some of my friends aren't. They kept saying "How can you be so sure of yourself? You're so arrogant. How can you be so sure you're right?"

"I am right."

"You're so arrogant."

Then she came out with a great comment, she told me I was "an atheist with a God complex", and I think she's right. But I blame my parents for that - they always did tell me to believe in myself.

[cue thunderous applause followed by standing ovation and possibility of an encore]

Apologies - this is very quick and not very well considered criticism. I've dotted my thoughts throughout. Feel free to disagree, it's just my opinion...

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Hey guys, I'm Andy, I'll be your entertainment for the next 5 minutes. I use the word 'entertainment' loosely. hopefully you'll all like it, although they say you can't please everyone. My sister certainly puts that theory to the test.

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As an opening joke, this needs to be more obvious. An added "cos she's a slag" or something, I don't know. It's just a bit subtle at the mo.
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It's great to be back in Cambridge - this is actually the second time I've been here. The first time was for my interview at the university, and I haven't been back since, so you can guess how well that went.

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This is padding - needs a joke.
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But anyway, it is great to be here. Let's first thank the organisers of this show, Corry - without her there wouldn't be one, so let's give her a big round of applause.

[applause]

Well, I say without them...they're not the ones standing up on stage, palms sweaty, racking their brains for some jokes, having travelled hundreds of miles for this 'opportunity', but whatever.

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Again, padding. Needs jokes or ditching entirely.
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And when I say travel, I mean TRAVEL. I actually go to uni in Leeds, and my family lives in Warwickshire, so this is a little out of the way. You're probably thinking to yourselves, Andy, if you go to uni in Leeds, and you live in Warwickshire, why didn't you do the heat in Sheffield, or Manchester, or Coventry, or even Glamorgan? All of those places would have been much easier for you than coming all the way to Cambridge, surely?

Good question. [turn to show organisers] Corry? Organisers? Any idea why I've had to travel 300 miles round trip to be here? No? Then I take back the applause we gave you. Thanks anyway.

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Padding padding padding.
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I worked out that I've travelled about 300 miles, just to be on stage for 5 minutes. That works out as one second per mile travelled. I'd much rather have done the heat in Coventry with the same ratio of time to distance. 7 miles from my parents house, it is. I'd just get on stage, Hi, I'm Andy Lynch, doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains, pull yourself together man, pause for laughs, thank you very much, good night!

It's probably a good thing I didn't do it in Coventry though, it's not a city that's exactly world-renowned for its intellectual capability. In English class we were talking about oxymorons, and my mate came up with a fantastic one - "Coventry University". The place is educational and cultural abyss, where knowledge, spelling and grammar go to die, trampled on by cheap adidas trainers before being tossed aside like a split condom and a positive pregnancy test. Someone I know said to me on A-level results day, "Oh, I got into Coventry Uni!" Wow, what did you do, open the door?

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Good joke! But this paragraph could be shortened to about 3 sentences. Get to the good jokes quickly.
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Anyway, comedy. You always get a little nervous before you go on stage. I remember the first time I did it, I was so nervous. More nervous than my cambridge interview, which I didn't get into, even more nervous than the first time I talked to a really hot girl, who I also didn't get into.

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Good joke!
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I mean I love being on stage, I love telling jokes, I love making people laugh, but whenever I tell someone I'm doing comedy, their response is always the same. "Oh my god, I've got this great joke you can tell, it'll kill." These people are liars. My girlfriend said to me, "Oh, I've got this great joke you can tell!".....go on then.

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
"...What?"
"Lickalotapuss!"
"[sigh]......[mime backhanded slap]"

Luckily she's not here tonight. She's not a fan of going out in public with a black eye.

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Ironic spousal abuse... could go either way...
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My Dad was the same. I said to him "Oh, I'm coming home for the weekend, so I can travel to Cambridge to do this comedy show."
"Oh, I know a great joke you can tell...."
"....fine...."
"You know those signs that say Bill Posters will be prosecuted?"
"Yeah...."
"I always thought Bill Posters was innocent! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
".............."

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However, if you mime slapping your Dad, too, you could have a running gag and it makes it less about hitting the girlies.
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Everyone always has something to say, when I tell people that I'm getting on stage in front of a bunch of strangers. My girlfriend said to me, "aren't you nervous, trying to make complete strangers laugh?"

It wouldn't be a whole crowd of complete strangers if you would COME TO ONE OF MY FUCKING SHOWS, YOU UNSUPPORTIVE CUNT.

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But you just said she couldn't come out cos of the black eye. Keep some consistency, and watch the misogyny...
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My housemate said the same thing, he said, "aren't you nervous? what if it's just like the opening scene from 8 mile?"

"what do you mean?"

[Rap this bit with wigga arm movements] "his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti, he's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he heeps on forgetting what he wrote down."

"What?"

It's not his fault he's a moron. Thanks to his east london upbringing he finds it hard to communicate ideas without rapping. I've literally seen him try to hit on girls by rapping Dizzee Rascal.

[rap this bit as well - with actions of him approaching a girl] "What's up darling, I've been keepin my eyes on your movement, I can't see no room for improvement, when you're all over there on your jack jones, you need to let me get behind your back bone."

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you've quoted two songs extensively, with no jokes. Padding! Add gags!
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[pause]

[mime girl backhand slapping him]

I keep telling him it's all about confidence, and you just need to be sure of yourself, even a little arrogant, and you'll be fine. I'm often accused of being arrogant - one time we were drunk, and for some reason we started talking about religion. Now I'm an atheist, and I'm convinced that my point of view is right. I'm convinced there's no god, but some of my friends aren't. They kept saying "How can you be so sure of yourself? You're so arrogant. How can you be so sure you're right?"

"I am right."

"You're so arrogant."

Then she came out with a great comment, she told me I was "an atheist with a God complex", and I think she's right. But I blame my parents for that - they always did tell me to believe in myself.

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Quite a good joke!
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[cue thunderous applause followed by standing ovation and possibility of an encore]

In short, some of this is quite good. Identify the actual gags, get to them as quickly as possible, and write more. Easy!

Hi,

Didn't have time to read the whole thing but generally, cut all the stuff about how far you travelled, thanking people, how you feel. They don't care. just do the funny stuff. Good material. Go slowly. I think you have way more than 5 mins there, just take out the waffle and leave the funny.

regards

John http://standupcomedy.podomatic.com/

I think James has done a bang-up job of supplying detailed comments. Note how often he used the word 'padding'. The jokes are widely spaced, and there's too much idle chat.

It's very brave to start with an 'I am a bit shit' reference, you really need a killer line to follow it up. I'm not convinced you have it there. If you're going for an educational theme you could make a comment about being great to be in the best University town in the world, then say something like 'sorry, that was the start of my Oxford gig' which would lead into the nervy stuff or interview.

I'd drop the whole organiser thing as the payoff is weak and it soaks up time.

There is a mysoginist feel to a lot of this as James noted (although he could probably spell it). This will do you no favours in my view unless it gets turned back on you in some way.

I like the unsupportive line, but lose the 'c**t'. As James said, it also doesn't work with the black eye idea.

Good luck, but I think you need to put some serious work in.

I have to agree with James Harris a lot of padding here and no real jokes you seem to have something going but don't give it a punchline.

It needs work but could be pretty funny.

Quote: andrewlynch88 @ March 3 2009, 6:18 PM GMT

This is going to be my first stand up gig, some time next week, so let me know what you think of this. Any and all criticism is greatly appreciated. Please be very very harsh on it. Thanks.

I mean I love being on stage, I love telling jokes, I love making people laugh, but whenever I tell someone I'm doing comedy, their response is always the same. "Oh my god, I've got this great joke you can tell, it'll kill." These people are liars. My girlfriend said to me, "Oh, I've got this great joke you can tell!".....go on then.

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
"...What?"
"Lickalotapuss!"
"[sigh]......[mime backhanded slap]"

View original

I overheard one of my Year 11 students (fifth years, in old money) tell this to the rest of his class today. It was obviously the funniest thing they'd ever heard, so judging by them, this could well be the funniest part of the whole thing.

Not that I thought that! There were some bits I did find amusing, but I'd echo the comments above about the amount of padding. Have you timed yourself performing it? Because it seems to me to be more than five minutes, and a lot of it is that padding. There are some good jokes here, albeit none of them astoundingly original, but they're hidden amongst an awful lot of superfluous material. Time yourself doing it, or better yet perform it in front of someone who's not heard it before. Before the gig, obviously!

###It's great to be back in Cambridge - this is actually the second time I've been here. The first time was for my interview at the university, and I haven't been back since, so you can guess how well that went.###

You don't need.....'so you can see how well that went'.

also put......'for my interview for entry to the university' instead of just 'my interview at the university'

I haven't been on here for a while.

Anyway - James has done an amazing job of going through your routine.

I think the importance of always having a joke close at hand can't be over emphasised. Imagine the first bit doesn't get more than a chuckle and you're stood there thinking - God I need to make them laugh. If you have 30 more seconds of padding to get through it will feel like an eternity.

I know Bill Hicks might have been able to stand there and ponder what he was going to say for a minute, or go five mins without a joke, but you only have five mins and need to hit them with your best stuff first. Get them laughing early and then the crowd is with you and the laughter continues - but a slow start is almost impossible to recover from.

I don't think the stuff based on the organiser works at all - you chose to accept the gig, so you can hardly blame her for the travel, or the nerves. Something about how it seemed like a good idea at the time when you accepted might be better, though still not exactly ground breaking.

The stuff on girlfriend with black eye etc might work if you are very confident and imposing on stage. But if it's delivered half-heartedly or with any sense of dread over potential reaction it will bomb badly.

As James said, there are a few decent gags in there, but you need to cut away every word that isn't essential. It feels a bit like you have written it to take up 5 minutes, rather than writing joke after joke after joke until you have 5 minutes of great material. Try thinking of one-liners - it's a skill that should help get some fairly sharp little gags.

Finally - I'm not sure about the theme. It seems to be mostly on the nerves of doing stand-up for the first time, but that is very old hat. Why not change it to use the travel stuff you have got (shortened) and make travel the theme. But, even for five mins, you need more than one theme. travel should lead into something, which should lead into something else, which maybe leads back round to travel to wrap-up an impressive five minutes.

I know the replies probably aren't as positive as you were hoping for, but it's much better to get this now while you can still produce a really good routine. Nothing worse than being stood on stage with 4 mins to go having lost all confidence in your material (I imagine!)

EDIT: You could add in some topical stuff about University Challenge. 'I'm delighted to be at one of Britain's two great universities and the only one who doesn't cheat on quiz shows.

In fact, as Cambridge lost to Corpus Cristie in the semis you could claim you are joint winners by default. Default - a word all you guys will have to get used to when you take your well-paid jobs in the City.'

Agree with James H re the padding, look at a pro like Corden, he never uses padding.

Most of the gags are worth at least a giggle, so that's positive. There aren't enough of them, so that's negative.

Heed the advice already given. Good luck with the gig.

Geoff.

Thanks guys, really appreciate the comments. Right on the money as always. Thanks.

Update: I've rewritten parts of it, cut parts out, and stolen a joke that someone gave me on this thread (thanks). Let me know if you think it's any better, still shit, needs a lot more work etc. Thanks again.

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Hey guys, I'm Andy, and it's a real honour for me to be here, doing comedy for you guys. If you go to Cambridge Uni, give yourself a cheer. Congratulations, your university is ranked number one in the country, your alumni features people like Isaac Newton, Francis Bacon and Henry Cavendish, AND, you don't have to cheat to win University Challenge. The Oxford guy got disqualified for not being a student. I can't believe him. Smart enough to actually get into Oxford but not smart enough to notice that he'd actually graduated and got a job.

It's a real shame as well, because they were from Corpus Christi, and it's such a nice name for a college, and wasted on a bunch of idiots and a girl who needs to get out more. I actually applied to Cambridge Uni, I did an open application, and got put into Homerton College, which was disappointing, for more than one reason. Homerton doesn't sound regal, like King's College, or spiritual, like Christ's or Trinity. The best thing Homerton College has going for it is that it shares part of its name with a Simpsons character.

But anyway, it is great to be here. It's just a bit of a trek for me. I worked out that I've travelled about 300 miles, round trip, to be on stage for 5 minutes. That works out as one second per mile travelled. I'd much rather keep the same ration and do the gig in Coventry. 7 miles from my parents house. I'd just get on stage, Hi, I'm Andy Lynch, doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains, pull yourself together man, pause for laughs, thank you very much, good night!

It's probably a good thing I didn't do it in Coventry though, it's not a city that's exactly world-renowned for its intellectual capability. In English class we were talking about oxymorons, and my mate came up with a fantastic one - "Coventry University". The place is an educational and cultural abyss, where knowledge, spelling and grammar go to die, trampled on by cheap adidas trainers before being tossed aside like a split condom and a positive pregnancy test. Someone I know said to me on A-level results day, "Oh, I got into Coventry Uni!" Wow, what did you do, open the door? I'm not being elitist, I'm just better than them.

No, to be fair I don't mind where I do comedy. I love being on stage, I love telling jokes, I love making people laugh. The only problem is that whenever I tell someone I'm doing comedy, their response is always the same. "Oh my god, I've got this great joke you can tell, it's really funny!" These people are LIARS [need lots of emphasis here]. My girlfriend said to me, "Oh, I head this great joke you should tell!".....go on then.

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
"...What?"
"Lickalotapuss!"
"[sigh]......"
[If lots of laughs – maybe she should be up here instead of me]

My Dad was the same. I said to him "Oh, I'm coming home for the weekend, so I can travel to Cambridge to do this comedy show."
"Oh, I know a great joke you can tell...."
"....fine...."
"You know those signs that say Bill Posters will be prosecuted?"
"Yeah...."
"I always thought Bill Posters was innocent! Eh? Eh? Eh?"
".............."

Everyone always has something to say, when I tell people that I'm getting on stage in front of a bunch of strangers. My girlfriend said to me, "aren't you nervous, trying to make complete strangers laugh?"

It wouldn't be a whole crowd of complete strangers if you would COME TO ONE OF MY FUCKING SHOWS.

People always say "isn't it nerve-wracking? Won't you be nervous?" Admittedly, the first time I did it I was nervous. More nervous than my Cambridge interview, which I didn't get into, even more nervous than the first time I talked to a really hot girl, who I also didn't get into.

When I first did stand up, my housemate said "what if it's just like the opening scene from 8 mile?"

"What do you mean?"

[Rap this bit with wigga arm movements] You know, "his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti, he's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down."

He did have a point, but still I don't think there's any need to communicate your ideas through the medium of rap. It's not his fault admittedly, it's just a product of his east London upbringing. He's convinced he's a gangsta because he went to one of the roughest private schools in his area. When he talks to girls his opening lines are usually DIzzee Rascal lyrics, like "wassup darlin'?" Nothing, why? "I been keepin my eyes on your movements, I can't see no room for improvements". At this point the girls usually back away slowly or pepper spray him and run away.

I keep telling him it's all about confidence, and you just need to be sure of yourself, even a little arrogant, and you'll be fine. I'm often accused of being arrogant - one time we were drunk, and for some reason we started talking about religion. Now I'm an atheist, and I'm convinced that my point of view is right. I'm convinced there's no god, but some of my friends aren't. They kept saying "How can you be so sure of yourself? You're so arrogant. How can you be so sure you're right?"

"I am right."

"You're so arrogant."

Then she came out with a great comment, she told me I was "an atheist with a God complex", and I think she's right. But I blame my parents for that - they always did tell me to believe in myself.

This is a vast improvement - much tighter, well done!

Some suggestions:

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Congratulations, your university is ranked number one in the country, your alumni features people like Isaac Newton, Francis Bacon and Henry Cavendish,

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comedy basic, the rule of three: is there a crappy person who's been to Cambridge that you can put instead of Henry Cavendish?
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It's a real shame as well, because they were from Corpus Christi
...
with a Simpsons character.

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This bit is quite long winded, with a fairly weak gag to justify it. Can you think of a better one?
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But anyway, it is great to be here
...
pull yourself together man, pause for laughs, thank you very much, good night!

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I don't get the logic of you doing a shorter gag because you've spent less time travelling to the gig. Yes, I am being VERY picky...
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It's probably a good thing I didn't do it in Coventry though
...
"Oh, I got into Coventry Uni!" Wow, what did you do, open the door? I'm not being elitist, I'm just better than them.

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Nice bit, this, with two good gags at the end. Would changing it to "did you work out how to open the door?" make it clearer?
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No, to be fair I don't mind where I do comedy
...
"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
"...What?"
"Lickalotapuss!"
"[sigh]......"
[If lots of laughs – maybe she should be up here instead of me]

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This is so much nicer without the slapping. Good stuff, and good that you've thought of an aside if the joke goes down well. Can you think of one for if it doesn't?
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My Dad was the same. I said to him "Oh, I'm coming home for the weekend, so I can travel to Cambridge to do this comedy show."
"Oh, I know a great joke you can tell...."
"....fine...."
"You know those signs that say Bill Posters will be prosecuted?"
"Yeah...."
"I always thought Bill Posters was innocent! Eh? Eh? Eh?"
".............."

*************
You've got two old jokes in your routine at this point. Can you add to this bit to justify it more?
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Everyone always has something to say, when I tell people that I'm getting on stage in front of a bunch of strangers. My girlfriend said to me, "aren't you nervous, trying to make complete strangers laugh?"

It wouldn't be a whole crowd of complete strangers if you would COME TO ONE OF MY FUCKING SHOWS.

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Again, now that you're not slapping your girlfriend, you are the victim and it's much funnier.
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People always say
...
who I also didn't get into.

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Good stuff
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The rap stuff feels a little "paddy" still, no real jokes in that bit for me.

And the God stuff is nice. The "believing in yourself" gag is good, but is it good enough to end your set with?

The two most important parts of your set are the beginning (the audience are willing you to be funny, which is why you need a good joke at the beginning and you need to get to it as quickly as you can) and the end, cos that's the final impression you'll leave on them. End on as big a gag as you can.

I should point out that I've been quite picky with this, and it's all just my opinion. Doing stand up is hard, and the first gig is hardest of all. Let us know how it goes.

Most of all, enjoy it, learn from it, and then do it again!

nick griffin went to cambridge- you can add him

The dinosaur joke was the best thing in it. But I'm not convinced you have a girlfriend. You might just come across as a little bitter that you didn't get in the college you wanted to, so you're having a go at people from coventry! Oh well, just my opinion, good luck with it.